Laughing - was your h always crazy, or did this emerge with MLC? Some people posting here realise that their h's were always abusive, whereas for others [like me] their h flipped - tendencies toward ugly behaviour, that exist in all of us, became very pronounced.
In any case I do find Ephesians 6 v12-18 to be helpful. There is spiritual wickedness in the heavenly places, and on earth, and we have tofight against it, and to fight injustice and lies wherever we see them. This is a real battle on every level, and one day you will win, and be vindicated. In the meantime I will continue to pray for you.
I am just speechless that this was allowed to happen....
And as a small side note, why are you responsible for buying parts for S's car? I can't believe that this is even considered when determining who would get custody...I must be missing something.....
Is an appeal an option?
My heart absolutely breaks for you when I think of your situation.... My thoughts and prayers are with you.....
Please try and take care of yourself as you will need your strength. I noticed the time of your posting - I don't know where you are located, but if you are an east coast gal, you were up very, very late!
Laughing, I'm not surprised to hear that your son isn't speaking to you. Your xh is reliving his life through his son's eyes, therefore, he's manipulating your son's thoughts the same what that he was feeling when he was that age.
Now about the car parts, what the heck does that have to do w/a custody hearing? You are to provide a warm and loving home, food, clothing, shelter, medical and dental care. I've never heard of automobile parts being included in the mix.
All I can advise you to do is collect your data and sit patiently and quietly. The truth always drops in our laps when we do this. Sometimes we have to sit a bit and then go to battle and I think that if you sit a bit, the timing will be better. Your xh is waiting for you to strike now. Let him drop his guard for a bit. Let your son get a really good taste of what life is like living w/him. Yep, no really good home cooking, mom won't be there to listen and bail him out of his troubles and yes, his friends are in your town, not where he's living. Right now, it's a new adventure for your son, but I can promise you this, all of the promises of new things, new life and yes, his father being there for him will begin to grow dim as the days, months pass. Your son will become homesick and want to return home. But, it's not going to be for a while.
Laughing, you are a fantastic mother who would do everything that you can for your children, but this time, your youngest will need to learn on his own. I know that this isn't the way yuo wanted everything to go, but this is being done for a reason and you aren't being allowed to drive the bus. Keep your focus on the future, for I do think that everything will come to light by mid/late winter.
Take care of yourself and I hope your daughter is doing well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The car parts became an issue because according to Dick, I favored D over S, so much so, that I purchased her a car, even though she is only 14 and is ineligible to drive, but refused to purchase parts for S's vehicle, which at this time is not running.
The truth, I purchased new tires which I told Dick about, and asked him to repay me for them. He had promised S that he would buy him new tires, a fender, and a few other parts in order to have the car he gave him appear nicer. I also purchased all the parts (cap, rotor, wires, plugs, filter(s)) to get it to run, however, wanted S to install these parts under supervision, so that he could learn how. S put the parts in, but we found water in the fuel, so the car still wouldn't run.... then he was told by Dick to wait and HE would work on it when he came to visit. I told S all we needed was to put some Heet into it, and it would be fine, there was no reason to wait..... but he did.
The car that was "purchased" for D was actually a trade for a farm vehicle that didn't run. It wasn't exactly purchased for D, but more as a secondary vehicle, so that we might have at least one vehicle running.
So, Dick decided to use this against me to "prove" that I favor one child over the other. In reality, Dick is the one who favors one child over the other, and yes, so did his parents.
Dick also keeps saying S is 16 now, he really won't be 16 until the end of November, but Dick just celebrated his birthday in September. It just may be that he is reliving something from his teens.
Both D and I are doing okay... D decorated for Halloween today, but now, we both are just sitting back and relaxing. By the way, D can drive, she does have an IP, which allows her to drive to and from school too..... but for some reason, Dick didn't seem to remember D has accomplished this. S was able to drive at 14, why would Dick think that it would be different for D? There are a few things that I do differently for each child, because they ARE individuals.... but the important things remain constant.
Have a wonderful Sunday!
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
If Dick is filling S's head with his own feelings about his Mother, when he was a teen, I can tell you that he felt very controlled, picked on, and felt he couldn't do anything right or able to please anyone, or was good enough.
S had changed in the past few weeks, but I assumed it was do to the fact his father was coming in. Both kids would become so anxious, as you probably recall during the years of my posting, they would pick fights, and often argue with me.
I'm not the only one that found S has changed, he even stopped hanging with his usual friends, and choose to hang with a new kid that came to town from California. I've received reports from his friends about S also.... which have come to me, piece by piece, and I've spent the weekend trying to put them together to make some sense. It seems S hasn't only become angry with me, but has become hurtful to others too. He started lying, defiant, pushing at limits set, i.e., curfews, and doing his chores, like taking the trash out.
I had a chance yesterday to spend time in S's room. I'm one of those parents who believes the kid's room is their own space, one which they have complete control over, which I respect, and only enter when invited.... which is usually anytime. Since S is away for now, I decided to tidy up, put on fresh sheets and blankets and gather and wash the things he left behind.
He left most of his clothes, but took his playstation and ipod. I offered him the suitcases, but he chose trash bags to move his "stuff" in. I sat in his room a while, looked around, and realized he hasn't been in a good state for a while. S did play Dick and I against each other, but I chose to try and stop it. Of course Dick was happy to play along with S. As I'm also sure Dick has pressured him, told him that if he starts this process, there would be no turning back, after a night S had said he wanted out.
I think I might have felt his saddness, for his room was anything but organized, cluttered, which I'm sure that is close to the way he felt. I know I saw him sleeping in a tight fetal position a few nights, and knew he was going through something, but through with a bit of time, a bit of talking and understanding, we'd make it through.
I wish my attorney had argued to give S until the end of the semester to work out his true feelings. We just moved and it was an emotional move, for we lost the only place we knew as home, for up until we moved to the farm 9 years ago, we hadn't planted any roots and moved nearly every year and a half.
S was having his best year ever playing football. All his years of hard work was paying off, he was getting play time during varsity games and scoring nearly every time he was on the field. I know he was proud of what he was doing. I also know the principal was riding his butt, had given him a detention for leaving his book bag by his locker in the hall. It wouldn't fit in his locker, and often many of the students leave stuff right outside their locker without the threat of detention, but since the principal chooses a few children to pick on, usually those without a high income, it seemed she may have had S on her radar.
Without his friends, without football and the exercise, activity, commoradory, and attention, he receives with it, no one out there, except for Dick, I've been worried S will sink even deeper. 15/16 are very hard ages for boys... it's when trouble can start, and the wrong roads can be chosen.
It maybe that Dick suffered from depression during these years, as he is now, and why he has chosen S to be his confidant. Of course S has always wanted his Father's attention and approval, as I'm sure Dick did also at this age. I know Dick's three sisters have had bouts of depression, as I'm almost sure my former Father in law also has been since his wife's passing, yet the family has claimed he has Alzheimer's. The symptoms are the same, so it would be hard to tell, especially by someone like me who has no medical degree.
Time will tell, as I pray for S's early return.
As for the information I've gathered.... by all means yes, there is a time and a place for it, as I am sitting with it until the time arrives.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
My heart breaks for your S. He must be feeling so confused and probably alone right now. I cannot believe a father would do this to his son. I know that with all the love you have shown your children it will all work out in the end. Your s will need your safe place to come home to. I can't wait until justice is done in your case. I keep praying. I know it will happen.
Laughing - Just a guess here, but do you think maybe S's acting up was because he felt guilty about plans to go live with his Dad? You know how WASs start picking fights when THEY feel guilty.
I also wondered if maybe your S didn't go with his dad out of some misguided attempt to save dad or shelter you and your D from him (as in, if I go with him maybe he'll let up on mom?). It does seem odd that he would want to leave football, although your guess that he could be experiencing depression might be right.
Either way - for now, just be cheerful and positive with him. If he won't take your calls, then email him. Validate - tell him you love him and you understand how important it is to teenage boys to be with their dad sometimes.
Since S has left, I have texted him my nightly "good night" phrase, which is "Good night, I love you, have sweet dreams." which is something I say every night to both the children, along with "I love you ..... ALWAYS" which I say when either one of us walks out the door to school, work, or where ever. S hasn't been one to respond in kind, however, D often repeats back the sentiments. It's not unusual for her to say just "Always" when in public or just out of the blue, which is her abreviated way of saying "I love you."
S texted me today, while he was waiting for the school counselor. I found out later that this was the first time he was alone or without his father. A little bit ago, I texted S to ask him how his first day of school went. He replied he wouldn't start until tomorrow..... a little bit later he called me, and again, I found he was alone, his father not going to be home for a while, and he told me about school and the plans/rules his father has made so far.
Dick signed him into the school, then sent him off by himself. He was left to speak to the counselor alone, while they choose the classes for him. In the new school, they have an even/odd schedule, one day they go to class 1,3,5,7 and the next day, they go to 2,4,6, and 8. The new school is set on a vast campus, with over 1600 students 9th to 12th grade, while our school is one building with just over 200 students, pre-K to 12th grade.
Dick hands S $20.00 every time he has less than $10.00 in his pocket and as long as he keeps his grades up, Dick said he'll keep handing him money. S told me his only chore is to keep his room clean, that he now has a computer in his room, and he thinks he is going to like his new school schedule, and driving his Dad's (newer) truck.
He sounded content, although when I mentioned to him that his friends have all said they miss him and hope he is coming back soon, S quickly said he had to go..... oops, my mistake, I won't be mentioning stuff like that in the near future. I was very happy to hear his voice.... and as long as he sounds well, I will be okay with this new situation.
Thanks for all you input.... we will see how the next couple of weeks/months unfold.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
L, you've given your S a good foundation. He can work with it and probably do just fine. Although you may think a bit early to be jumping out of the "nest" at 16,I wasn't much different in age than he "moving" from a small school to one about the size he's now attending. Granted it was a bit of "culture shock" at the time, but I grew up fast and adapted and with the solid foundation S has, no doubt he'll do similar. So let it go as a "growth" time or "life lesson" episode for him and try not to fret. He will figure it out on his own as long as you remain supportive (which you've been). Do not let your thought about him being away interfer in any manner with your relationship with your D. Allow youself some additional time with D, without smothering her, because of the absence of your S. Trickey balance but you'll do just fine. As the years roll along we are eventually given the "20 - 20 hindsight" to look at the past and see how neatly the future has been packaged for us. That includes the given free will of others to do as they may along the way, including MLCers, and yet there comes the time when we realize we have been looked upon with a kind heart from elsewhere after all. May you experience that soon. If not, be patient/
