Ouch! The truth...Now what?

[theotherhalf]

i still believe that i need to leave the door open to my husband. So that he feels, and knows that it is okay for him to come home. BUT! How do I do that but yet protect my heart?

I am really torn as to what to do now. I don't know if I can stop being there for him. I don't know that if he calls me Friday to come in that I won't. Although from what everyone says I need to be not so unavailable.

About whether or not to tell him? It has been almost a month since H and I have dicussed D. I have not brought it up since and neither has H. I haven't simply because I don't want to hear his answers and I don't believe anythng he says at this point. So by bring this new found info up, here are my fears:

1) Bringing up OW at all may just push him harder to her

2) Telling him my boundaries could lead to discussion of D again. May bring it to mind enough for him to go file

3) Could lead to argument that I don't know if I can refrain from

4) I cannot reveal my source of info so am in fear of questions

I really don't know how to handle this new found info.
On one hand, finding the info doesn't change the fact that it has looked like in the last couple of weeks that H may be coming out of the fog and turning back our way. I don't really know what has transpired between them since the 27th. So maybe I should just wait for awhile again and continue to be as I am.

[imLIN]

TOH...I can really feel you pain...I have been there...so many times I found "evidence"...I was bad at keeping my mouth shut...I was no better at being unavailable because I saw so little of him that when he did show up I wanted to be with him...

I didn't have to deal with cake-eating though as H would have nothing to do with my physically...no matter if I wanted it or not...

I think maybe to protect yourself you should refrain from being intimate...but still share his company...if he asks why just tell him you want to keep things uncomplicated until he knows what he is doing...but don't go into anything else...

I believed as you did that my H would never ever ever have an affair...that he would never lie to me about something so critical to a R/M...but like you I found out the truth..

The point here is you don't know what they are talking about...I do know that I called the OW...I didn't know at the time that they had been intimate...I just knew she lived in another state so I felt "safe"...how foolish I was...H told me later that my calling her made her feel guilty for what was happening...it didn't totally stop the A in it's tracks but it dampened it and eventually she moved on...I don't know what to say here because only you know your H...

The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much
empathy the unfaithful partner shows for the pain they have caused when the betrayed
spouse gets emotional and starts "acting crazy."

My H showed NO EMPATHY what so ever...he was cold, unfeeling...uncomforting...the pain stabbed me deep and yes...I did act so crazy at times that he wondered if I would hurt him or myself...but still remained stone cold to me...yet...we have survived!...he has been home now for a year and a half and while we have had ups and downs we have continually moved forward...

TOH...please take care of yourself...I know that numb pain...you just don't know which way is up or down...so be careful doing things like cutting, driving, anything where an accident could be damaging...I had a car accident and so have others during this stressful time...actually I had two...I also exploded hard boiled eggs all over the kitchen...so many things that I had never done before...so be careful!!!!

Lin

[imLIN]

Curious...how do you KNOW that they are talking???

[LL44]

imLIN, If I may hijack a bit, I am so thankful to hear your H had no initial remorse, empathy, etc. This is my H and it terrifies me that we won't survive this because of that. Thank you.

[theotherhalf]

...H told me later that my calling her made her feel guilty for what was happening...it didn't totally stop the A in it's tracks but it dampened it and eventually she moved on...I don't know what to say here because only you know your H...

I too have called OW more than a couple times. She is an evil B***h! She demands that she is doing nothing wrong. Won't let me get too many words in as she is too busy screaming foul names to me and telling me how bad I am.

I think that those times I did call her did nothing but push him to her and then he'd come back at me in her defense.

As to how I KNOW they are still talking.

I do not want to tell ANYONE in fear that he will find out and then I won't have that insight. So please I do not want to say. I will say though that it IS 100% CONCRETE proof.

[theotherhalf]

lwb I too have read this and it was like a kick in the gut.

My H absolutely has no iota of remorse. Really acts like he has and is doing nothing wrong. That he is okay, that we'll be fine. Get over it.

But I see differently in his eyes so he can tell all whatever he wants.

Just glad I am not in his place right now.

[imLIN]

Your situation is different in that you know OW...H's OW was a total stranger to me...but after I found out the truth the vile words came at me from her...I think it is their guilt and they are trying to justify their actions as well...

You are probably right to back off and wait...I know my H defended OW even after he was home..."she was the perfect woman" "she was submissive and supportive" "there isn't anything she wouldn't have done to support me"....and more

Take care...and I had my ways of KNOWING too...some H still doesn't know...and I don't think I will ever tell...but if you ever need to talk more privately I can supply a safe email...but for now...take care of you...Lin

[theotherhalf]

thanks lin

[nephartiti]

(((HUGS)))

[nephartiti]

If you need to protectyour source, you can not really confront him. As hard as it is, you may just have to sit tight for now. I would set boundaries for yourself so that you feel comfortable. He is being selfish and not thinking about you. Therefore you must take care of you.

Take care.