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Hi imLIN,

I am stunned...and at a loss for words. I find it amazing that anyone who has suffered all this abuse can function at all. I hope his parents were punished for what was done.

Yes, anyone would need intensive therapy to deal with this type of abuse. I'm so sorry for this.

Mickey

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MY BIL likes to call it H's Sugar High ! - ow is H's SUGAR HIGH, and soon he will need more and more and the rush will be over quicker and quicker...

So, the role of OP in MLC - a RUSH, a THRILL, An ADDICTION.


Love Cinders xxx

"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus

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Mickey...

Unfortunately I didn't know the extent of the abuse...his mother wasn't involved directly...she was young and trusted the wrong relatives to watch her kids when she left an abusive H...these relatives took her kids...tried to adopt them all but could only get H's half brother because his father couldn't get custody of him...father was an alcoholic and sexual abuser (H's younger sister suffered the abuse of many males in the family and H was witness to this...they were both very young!)...
When all this happened I still didn't know...it was only when he got really drunk that he disclosed things that happened...I talked with SIL about it and she didn't recall everything as she was so very young...but she believes it to be true...
I wish I could say that all the people that harmed these 3 siblings were in jail...but unfortunately they weren't...father is dead...but other relatives are still around and who knows what they are doing...BIL still sees them as he was raised with them and they are his "family"...
All of the siblings have been reunited with their mom, whom I found 13 years ago...she is a wonderful woman and has taken in her oldest son...he is a mess...been in prison, drug problems, and bad alcoholic...but who can blame him...SIL went through a drug addiction period and then rehab'd without a relapse...she is a wonderful person and is doing well...H...he didn't have his colapse until much later in life...and it was hard and fast...

I can't even imagine the suffering that these siblings endured...which is in part where a lot of my compassion comes from...I don't relieve him of responsibility in his actions but I can certainly understand how messed up he was inside and have a heart big enough to know that we all make mistakes...some bigger then others...and some because of things that have warped our own thinking...I know he has suffered...and still is at times...but you would never know by looking at him...he is the life of the party and a very likable guy...funny too...it breaks my heart to know what really happened to him as a child...I knew some...but not what I do now...and there is probably more that I don't know...but I don't pry...it is his HELL and I don't want to fan those flames...

Thank you Mickey for your words of compassion...Lin


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My H's OW...

I really fear that there is a "real" relationship with H and OW.

They were together for 2 night stand 15 years ago, when H's father passed away. Then it was over.

They have worked together everyday since that time. Sometimes pretty closely as H was production manager and OW is quality control.

We only talked of her on rare occasions. Once in awhile I would ask how they are to each other and he would say they are friends that's all.

Last summer we discussed the issue a little. H swore to me that it would never happen again. That I had nothing to worry about. I asked him to promise me that if he ever thought of straying again that he would at least respect me enough to tell me ahead of the act. To at least save me face this time. He promised and said don't have to worry about it.

Not sure when, how, or why they got together this time. I did not find out till it was already going on. H still denies any of it. Says they are just friends. That she has done nothing wrong. That it is all him.

Well they are more than friends. Heard this in conversations on phone. You don't tell OP that you miss them, that you love them, that you will lick their a** if they are just friends. Drunk or not it is more than friends.

My H hates to talk on phone. He is now calling her 2-4 times every day. They are now on differents shifts at work so they call each other at work. Something that H does not believe in. They talk for sometimes 45 minutes. My H does not talk face to face, let alone on the phone.

Any future plans that H may spill out are things that I can direct back to her. Like if his work closes he may move North. She visits Minnesota. Someone told me they heard he's thinking of moving to Des Moines, her mother lives in Akeny and she goes there alot of weekends.

So my sitch may just be one that the band-aid will stay. I'll never understand the attraction as she is about everything H is against in women. H never has let anyone control him in anyway and now it seems this woman is doing just that. And he is completely willing, and with that he is throwing away ALL that is important to him and that he is about.

I will never understand....


M41
H42
D17
Adopted N14
M22 T24
"Bomb" 4/07
Sep 8/07
Admitted OW 11/07(only to me)
OW back 12/4/07
PA on off thru 7/08
says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08
D final 7/09
Moving on and up!!
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Quote:
I can't even imagine the suffering that these siblings endured...which is in part where a lot of my compassion comes from...I don't relieve him of responsibility in his actions but I can certainly understand how messed up he was inside and have a heart big enough to know that we all make mistakes...some bigger then others...and some because of things that have warped our own thinking...I know he has suffered...and still is at times...but you would never know by looking at him...he is the life of the party and a very likable guy...funny too...it breaks my heart to know what really happened to him as a child...I knew some...but not what I do now...and there is probably more that I don't know...but I don't pry...it is his HELL and I don't want to fan those flames...


My H I believe was sexually abused as a child. He comes from a family of 8. Mother and Father had alcohol issues and physical abusive to each other. The oldest boy is only half brother to rest. It has been told by the siblings that this brother sexually abused all siblings but 2 other than my H. My H has never admitted to anything happening to him. But he has real issues that he will not talk about.

There have been a couple times over the years that H kind of lost his marbles in a drunken rage. In that rage he has blamed OB for ruining his life, his families life, etc... He has stated how much he hates OB, how it's not fair that he goes on in life without any remorse or payment for what he has done.

The last rage was in the beginning of this crisis. He poured out to his younger brother one night on the phone (Drunk). Once again it was, "OB has ruined my life, my kids life, his kids lives, my wife's life, " etc. That he needs to pay, that he needs to die.

I have believed for a long long time that my H deep anger comes from the abuse. I also have believed that this doesn't just come from guilt that he didn't stop it, or from seeing things happen, I believe that the events also happened to him.

I don't know if he'll ever admit to any of it. I do know that if he don't, it will eat at him the rest of his days.


M41
H42
D17
Adopted N14
M22 T24
"Bomb" 4/07
Sep 8/07
Admitted OW 11/07(only to me)
OW back 12/4/07
PA on off thru 7/08
says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08
D final 7/09
Moving on and up!!
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This is exactly what I am trying to explore - that our WAS are dealing with things that they didn't deal with, and this can involve having a different sort of relationship with a different sort of woman, to sort out these issues . . . . and yes, there is the risk that they get stuck there, because the OW provides an asnwer that keeps them going

Just speculation on my part though . . .

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TOH...
I know it seems so hopeless...I really know because at one point after I knew of OW H actually told me they were discussing marriage!!!...that is a kick in the gut...
Nothing is in stone...nothing has been decided...there very well could be a physical affair going on...but the truth is that you can't say at this point that it will last...H is in MLC...it takes time...and yes, it is so very painful...but it isn't over yet...and if your lucky it own't be over

Take care....Your not alone...you just feel lonely and so deeply hurt...we understand....Lin


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I do have a question. Why is it they seem to think they really do love OP and tell the OP that they do love them?

If they are not capable of loving their own children as they should(for example)
How can they love the OP?

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TOH...it sounds like your H is doing what mine did...the drinking...the rages...it eventually brings them down...I can tell you that at times...when H wasn't drunk and mean...just drunk and emotional I could get him to talk...actually when it all came to a head for him was when I was concerned for his health and called the ambulance to pick him up....he spilled his guts to the ER nurses and doctors...that is where his help began...like your H...mine was extremely proud on the outside but so very broken on the inside...

I really do know how you feel...like I said before I have felt a lot of similarities in our situations...the good thing is H probably chose you because he could trust you when he couldn't trust himself...he knew you were strong....when he couldn't be...my H admitted he didn't marry me for love...he married me for my family stability...something to think about!

Lin


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Mickey and ALmost Hopeful - I agree about not generalizing about OP, but it is the role[s] that they play in the MLC that interest me. My h is certainly the denial type. In fact s2 commented on just that recently. H cannot understand why any of us are 'upset' by his actions, and the demise of our long and happy marriage, and the break-up of the family. He really can't, it isn't bullsh*t. My sons find this extraordinary, and convinced them that there is something seriously wrong with him.

What I am really trying to think about is whether and in what ways the OP supplies the 'missing pieces' for our WAS MLC. They go for a range of types, and some of the r's last and some don't, but I wondered what the MLCer was looking for in choosing that particular person, or whether anybody would have done .. .

I am pleased that this hasn't turned into a bash the OP thread. i think it shows a lot of self restraint on our parts!!

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