Well my H definitely had a crisis of all crisis's... He suffered at the hands of abusive adults as a small child...when I say suffered I really mean he was abused...emotionally, sexually, and physically...he always seemed to have dealt with it ok and went through life without much problem...
UNTIL!!!...things started not working out the way he wanted...he lost his career job...became self employed and it wasn't working...we lost everything...then I think in an attempt to make himself feel like he was worth something (I worked and supported him but he says I didn't...that is where we don't agree but don't argue anymore about it)...he found an OW, 14 years younger, with small children, in an abusive (according to her) relationship and became involved online with her...then he did the unthinkable to everyone who knew him...he left his family, friends, faith and went to her...
Before all was said and done...the A didn't last...lots of reasons why but mostly I always knew she was wrong for him...she smoked, had screaming small kids(our 2 oldest were adults and we had a 9 year old son...all at home but not screamers)...also she had been married 2 or 3 times and always to men of a different race...so her children didn't look like her and definitely would not have looked like H even though she said she wanted him to raise them as his own...anyway...enough about OW
H really hit rock bottom...started drinking more...became reclusive to the point that he didn't even call his son or see him for months at a time...he lived on credit whish is why he will now have to file bankruptcy...he lost 2 cars to repo...he lost most of his belongings to roommates because he couldn't pay rent after all his credit was in default...he lost his business investments because he couldn't support his side of the deals...he hit rock bottom...
It was at the bottom that he held his hand out to me and allowed me to help...he got medical help for his physical problems...he emotional help for his past...he got help for his alcoholism...and he got help for depression...he was a total and complete mess when he came home...but I saw my old H when I looked in his eyes (at times)...and I had faith that he would return...
My H became someone he would have never associated with...he became someone he didn't even want his kids around...he such self loathing for everything he did...and much of stemmed from his childhood...this still concerns me because the doctors were very quick to believe he has handled those issues...I am not so sure...
His OW...she was needy...but supportive...she was younger...and submissive...her catch phrase that stuck with him is "You always make the right decissions"....she even acknowledged to him after he came home that she always knew he would return to me...she has a new man in her life so I hope to never hear from her again...she didn't seem all to interested in keeping contact with H from what I read in an email she sent almost a year ago...basically she said she would be there if he needed her but that she was happy and didn't want to mess up yet another relationship of her own...her children were happy and she had a home that she always wanted...I think that she thought she was getting something more with H...I also think that she thought he would move to her...she mentioned about her new man that he was local...a point that I think she wanted to stress to H...
Do I think she was a bad person...not in that she meant to cause me pain...but I don't think she could be the perfect woman that H made her out to be because she did sleep with a man she knew was married...she did so even after finding out that I was in shock over all that was happening...that things between us had not seemed bad...it was everything else that was falling apart...H said she did feel guilt about me and that dampened things between them...I don't know...she has been through a lot of men and fathers of her children to be blameless in those failings...the writing was on the wall as far as I was concerned...she was used to make H feel like a man...to feel needed....to feel wanted...to feel something that he thought was lacking with us...I think he found out it wasn't me...and that his misery was something in him and he needed to deal with it...or he would never be happy...
Whew...a lot came out here...this is an interesting subject...bottom line I think the OP is a bandaid of sorts...and a drug of choice...sought out to make the MLC feel good...sometimes the bandaid sticks...sometimes it falls off...
