Thanks for asking Saffie, This weekend has been such an up and down that I'm back to the place where I don't know how long emotionally and physically I can take anything. Friday night my wife invited me to her apartment to hang out. She opened up about the OM and said she had called him 3 times on his cellphone before he answered and then he was snotty. She called back and told him to "F" off and told me she wants to start looking for another job and says she is not going to bother with him. She was saying things that made me believe she is considering coming home. Like asking if I think she can get out of her lease, wondering if we could have a joint bank account again without redoing the acct, etc. But the downside to all this good news is when Saturday morning rolled around yesterday, she was back to not talking and acting depressed. I also noticed she had a bunch of pictures turned upside down next to her computer. I know they were pictures of the OM. I didn't say anything that I noticed them but that shows me she is having doubts about supposedly breaking it off with him. She still has feelings for him because she said they can't just go away overnight. So does ANYONE believe she wants to break it off or was it just a momentary lapse because she missed home. It's here birthday today and my son and I made a beautiful gift basket for her. It's really beautiful. When I called her this morning to wish her a happy birthday, she was very short on the phone and wouldn't really talk. She told my son she was visting today and when I asked her what time she was coming, she seemed agitated and would only say later. I was NOT calling to beg, or pursue. Just a simple Happy Birthday and to see what time she was coming so we would know. I'm back to crying hysterically this morning wondering what I did wrong and if she is going back with OM after she claims she wasn't. And remember SHE IS THE ONE who brought up not wanting to deal with him.
She is soooo very confused. Really, all you can do is step back and let her be confused and lost. We always want to try and fix things for them, to 'hurry' this painful process along. But really, we'll muddle it up even more. I am sorry she didn't receive your 'Happy Birthday' call well. My H is so unpredictable when it comes to day to day stuff. Try to take care of yourself, let her come to you. Polite, loving, detached....
I am so sorry for your pain. Crying is fine, it can actually help you get stronger.
It sounds like the affair is running it's course. Let them be angry at each other -- anger destroys love. She if discovering that life with him won't be so wonderful. I think she is considering breaking it off, but she's not there Yet. If you're there for her, and supportive, she'll remember that. Support her emotionally when OM is not.
Hang in there, I think things may be going your way. Unfortunately, it takes so long to get there, and the road is long and rocky.
Major setback right now. My wife was suppose to come over to visit with us but she called to talk to my son for a minute or two and hung up. I called her back to see if everything was ok and she said said she wanted to be by herself today and to not bother her. She sounded extremely upset. I told her our son had a gift for her today and she said she'd have to get it tommorow. I am A MESS. I don't know how she went from acting OK yesterday to being mean and upset sounding today and not wanting to see us today after she told our son she'd be over today. I really do wish sometimes that I wouldn't wake up in the morning. Ready to give up on life.
Make the day the best you can for your son, gather yourself up and do this for your child. Tonight, after he is asleep, you can tackle what's going on. You have to be the responsible parent now. Put it away for now. You need to help your son get over the disappointment of not seeing his mom today. That's the list of things to do.
I am so sorry. Do you need immediate help? Like some sort of hotline? I know there is a crisis thread on here somewhere with important numbers. I am worried about the things you typed.
Lool at lwb's crisis thread. It sounds like your W's R with OM is running it's course. She is going to hurt. Don't get drawn into it. You need to be in a position to be strong for her when she needs to turn to you. You will be no good to her if you are also a wreck at that time. You have my phone numbers. I am ill in bed at the moment but my phone is by my bed. Call me
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You really need to pull away and quit expecting things out of her. If you don't detach and get a life of your own, and more strength and independence, you won't be the strong, attractive, self-assured guy anyone would want to come home to. This type of behavior and dependence is not attractive nor healthy.
I think it's awesome that you are her friend and you are supportive when she needs that. But you need to back out of her life when she doesn't need you, QUIT PURSUING and sometimes be BUSY!!! Go out, have fun with the guys, flirt a little... or just go to the darn bookstore and let her think you are out with guy friends having some fun.
And don't give her specifics of what you are doing. If she asks you can say, "I was out with friends." If she asks about OW, say you only talk with them and "don't plan to date anyone seriously. I would never do that unless I were divorced..." and then leave it at that.
Don't do things specifically to try and make her jealous... you need to do these things for you. Stop trying to analize her, or working towards convincing her to come back. You be nice, and a friend because you are a great guy, you have a history with her, and you truly are her friend (without expecting anything back!). If she's too blind to see you are the best thing in her life that's HER LOSS!!!
Quit agonizing. Make plans, go out, DO things!!! Don't wait for her calls. Don't wait for cuddles or professions of love. GET A LIFE!!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
