Now I've done it.... again #4?

[nephartiti]

Still no word from H. Guess he's back in the tunnel. I hate what my head starts thinking while I am alone. I was just thinking how unbelievable it is that he still claims there is no OW. I don't think she knows about the gifts either. That is why he left the old PC here. He doesn't want to explain it. Maybe he just didn't want it to get stolen out of the van (what he said). I don't know why I go to these places in my head. It just drives me crazy. I am thinking that him and OW are having so much fun that he has blown off S2's msg and that he was planning on coming back here yesterday or today. Maybe OW is just being a controlling witch Maybe he is pouring over Ken's poettry that is now in his back up drive. Who the hell knows. Why am I driving myself crazy? Ok, stopping now. I just have to give him space and time. CalmBlueOcean

I'm going to work on the house today. I'm pulling out H's drill and installing a wine glass rack. I have been wanting one of those for ages. I finally bought one Wish me luck figuring out that thing. Power tools, unless culinary, are not my forte.

[789]

The hardest part of being separated I had was always wondering and letting my mind go wild about what she was/might be doing. You have to stop that, it is a mood killer.
Now that we are talking a bit more every day I have found that my mind was really good at making things up about her, now I am thinking that I should become an author and write some books with how well my mind can take over from reality.

[LL44]

hi neph, I am glad you popped in, since you were locked. Our H's retreat quite a bit after some breakthroughs. It sucks. Like 789, our minds can be our enemies, can't they?

You can tackle that wine rack, I know it.

[789]

I'm going to work on the house today. I'm pulling out H's drill and installing a wine glass rack. I have been wanting one of those for ages. I finally bought one Wish me luck figuring out that thing. Power tools, unless culinary, are not my forte.

Just make sure you install the rack prior to opening the bottles and sampling

[Amy]

My mind is what kills me. I tell myself I will go dark and not call him for a few days and then things get quiet here I have taken care of our 5 kids they have asked a million questions about him and I start thinking about what he is doing, where he is, and does he think about us. The things I imagine are horrible.

Right now he is in the hospital and I know that they aren't together but I freak when my kids try to call the general line and it is busy because I sit and think he must be on the phone with her. It stinks. 30 patients in the psych ward and 2 phones and I am dumb enough to let my mind imagine he is on with her.

I have tried to start journaling today and it helps. By the time I have written it all down I look at it and realize I have a great imagination.

Hang in there. I wish I had some great advice but I have to tell you I have learned my mind is my own enemy.

[nephartiti]

I know my imagination runs wild. LOL, 789, about writing that novel. I think you should totally do it!

Amy, I know what you mean. My H was in jail for 5 days after we had a big blowout and he hit me. When I went to see him, I kept thinking, "What if she's here?" He was only allowed one visit per day, and I dreaded hearing that someone had been there already. It was rediculous, really.

One time I took his mail to his work. I was convinced I saw him carrying his lunch box. I even came here and posted how she was making him lunch and how easily I was replaced. Turns out, S9 has had H's lunchbox at his dad's this whole time!

Yes, I have to stop.

Yes, lwb, I expected H to step back a bit. I'm just having trouble dealing with it now that it's actually happening. Go figure. It's easier said than done!

Now for that rack! Rack before tasting. Got it!

[mkultra]

We think this way because we have been betrayed and lied to. Deceit is worse than the affair. We can be transparent becuase we are GAl while the live underground. It is like guessing what a vampire is up to all day and night. I loved that image on Oprah, where the LBS finally knew she had to forgive her WS for having an affair with her BFF. She thought it was some torrid affair but it was stupid and pathetic and over and he spent weekend mornings in a MacDonald's parking lot alone in his car. Folks, that is how we should picture them the next time we try to glamorize their lives. They are eating their integrity with a side of emptiness in a fast food parking lot.

[nephartiti]

Good point, MK. All I have to do is take a good look at my H. He looks like crap. He really does. It is really sad. It truly is.

Nothing really to report. I ended up going to my mom's for dinner. I feel blessed because both my parents are supporting me no matter what I decide. My father has been staying with me these last few weeks and has been here a few times when H was here. He has seen me go through a lot and could easily have turned on my H, but he has treated him with dignity and respect. Safe path home I am very grateful for this.

I have not heard from H. I am guessing I may here from him tomorrow while OW is in class. It's sad that he can't even call his kids when he is with her. That will get old fast. Funny how her space still seems like a better option than here at this point. It will be worth it if he gets to a point where he is completely done, without a doubt. Hopefully then we will have a smaler chance of relapse.

There is this fear in the back of my mind that the things he said on Friday were just to passify me because I brought up the issue. I am holding on to the recent actions on his part to make contact and the fact that, in the past, he responded with disdain and hate. I am hoping he was sincere. I believe he was, but I just don't know for sure. Of course, he could easily turn back again. Time will tell all.

"Time
thought I'd made friends with time
thought we'd be flying
maybe not this time...

...And I wonder if he's ok
If you see him say 'Hi'"

[LooseThread]

Ooh..,.I love this MK.

Think of him eating fast food by himself, late at night instead when he could be home eating my yummy cooking and being my husband!

Speaking of the wine rack Neph. I hope you used the power tools BEFORE you started drinking! I would be hard pressed to decide which to do first.

I did a heap of weeding yesterday adn i felt great for getting out and doing it. my d helped for about half an hour before she got bored and wanted to go watch MORE of bluddy Disney channel. I also got out a power tool that I didn't know how to operate. The electric hedge trimmer and went to town on the bush that was obscuring the footpath to the house. Poor thing doesn't have any leaves left now! I felt awful to start with when I realised it would be not as neat when h does it, but I comforted myself with the following quote from my GROW support group.

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly - for a start, and while you are improving"

so.....the hedge/bush might look like carp this time around, but I've done it for the first time. Next time it will look better adn not so dead!

[mkultra]

Power tools rule!! Especially if that was Hubby's old job and if he is off doing other things. I have reclaimed the garage and a lot of the tools. My S2 says, "Why are you using Daddy's tools?" I answer, "These are Mommy's tools, too!"

Neph. You are very lucky to have your Folks. The older generation can teach us so much if we just had the patience to listen to them. They have probably seen a lot in their lifetime when it comes to Rs. Can you imagine what you could tell yourself on your own wedding day if you had the chance? We would probably just forego it and do what we wanted or what feels right at the time anywho!!!!

Oh, we have grown so much. Too bad we cannot experiment on our H's and educate them a little about what we know now. But it is like telling a crack addict how bad it is to start using. Too late. Just hav eto deal with it one day at a time now.