Why do these things happen X - A new beginning

[789]

Actually being back in the same residence and attempting to rebuild is in many ways a lot harder than I ever had it being separated.

I would love some more insight on this? What makes you say this? I am not disagreeing. I am just very curious as to what your are experiencing.

The hardest part in reality is seeing and feeling her emotions daily now, while living apart even though I was DB'ing I actually only got glimpses of this, if that makes since. Now living together I feel all her emotions. While we were apart after I hung up the phone or drove away, I could be pissed, worried, upset etc etc, now living together I can't, I have to just keep some of those emotions in check. while apart if she said something, it was just another part of what I thought would lead to our divorce, being here and if she says something I have to learn how to deal with it completely different. In other words I can't hang up the phone like in the past and say #$%#%^&^ out loud to myself, she is now in the same room so I actually just have to let it slide and wait for the better part of the roller coaster ride. Also along those same lines I no longer have time between discussions to think of the correct way to respond, now I have to respond immediately without rocking the boat.

Hope that makes some kind of since.

[789]

lol, I am still trying to figure out how I messed up signing up here and ending up with this as my name !

[nephartiti]

I no longer have time between discussions to think of the correct way to respond, now I have to respond immediately without rocking the boat.

I had the longest visit since the separation yesterday and got a good taste of this. It was very hard.

However, I think we are still entitled to say that we need to think about what our partner is saying. If they ask a question or need a response, we can say, "I know this is important to you. I am thankful that you are being open with me. I would like to think about what you are saying. Can we talk about this again at ______ time?" Not always easy in a heated moment, I know. Also, SOTS suggested the water bottle technique. Carry a bottle of water and every time a response is required, take a swig to buy some time. I have also heard of pre-discussion agreements where ground rules are set up. Basically, either person is allowed to say "uncle" when they begin to feel cornered and need a breather. Let's face it. We are more likely to say things we don't mean and damage our R's when we feel too pressured.

By the way, I failed to use any of the above techniques yesterday. I was in a tailspin because the separation rules changed on me and I couldn't just hang up the phone. Hind sight's always 20/20 right?

[nephartiti]

I was just looking at your pics. You have a beautiful family, 789.
Are you in Cali (Knott's and beach pics)? MK and I are throwing around ideas for a west coast meet up. What do you think?

[789]

Yep, I am here in California, but live up north in the Sacramento area, my family lives down in the San Diego area.
The idea sounds good to me.

[nephartiti]

I'm in LA county. MK is in grape country, lucky girl. We have to round up some more DBers.

[789]

A state as big as this has to have a few more that just us three.
I am up to go just about anywhere in the state, just not halfway between here and LA, can't stand Fresno

[mkultra]

A state as big as this has to have a few more that just us three.
I am up to go just about anywhere in the state, just not halfway between here and LA, can't stand Fresno

LOL, my H's OW is from Fresno so I figured there must be a lot of wayward awful punk kids running around trying to break up marriages!!! Sorry to anyone from that area!!! When I saw my H peeking at her Myspace OW's friends from Fresno looked like a scary motley crew of crazily dressed anorexic kids with dyed black hair and skinny jeans and tattoos everywhere. But I guess that is all over Cali?

[nephartiti]

Yeah, we have a lot of those kids running around out here. We still have the gang bangers with shaved heads too. What a mix, I tell you, and they all think they are so unique! Oh to be young! (Not that we are old by any means!)

[Nugget]

I have family in OC and San Diego. I visit them almost monthly. I would down for a DB meet up.