Ouch! The truth...Now what?

[theotherhalf]

Just found out 100% that H is still talking to OW every single day. Anywhere from 10 to 45 min. He's even calling her from his work and she calls him at work. That is something H has never done only for important things

Now what? Lately I and some family members really thought H may have gotten rid of the OW. That maybe, just maybe he was coming around. What a damb fool I've been.

Never Ever Ever could I image this man being a cake eater. Really did not believe that he had it in him to be the kind of guy that does this. This man could not put that kind of hurt on me and his kids and be able to live withhimself. Never Ever, would my H ever let a woman control his very life.

Wow!!

I am so totally in complete shock. I am so hurt. So sick.

Here I have been sleeping with this man on a weekly basis and all along now I believe he is with her at least 2 times a week.

Now what?

The only thing I know for sure is that there will be no more "visits" to his house. No more going anywhere when he invites me. Not until if or when this thing with her is over. I will not let him do this to me and my girls any longer.

I have loved this man and still do with every fiber of my being. I have made my life the last 23 years all about him and his family. I DO NOT deserve to be treated so disrespectly, coldly, cruely. And I will not let it happen any longer.

Will I file for divorce? Not today. Tomarro who knows. I still do not want a divorce. And I continue to stand that I will not make it easy for him. Definately for him to be with her. I still believe in MY vows. So I will wait still...

Question is,
Do I tell H of my decision or do I just stop answering my phone and talking to him when he is here. If he asks why, what do I say?

[LL44]

Never Ever Ever could I image this man being a cake eater. Really did not believe that he had it in him to be the kind of guy that does this. This man could not put that kind of hurt on me and his kids and be able to live withhimself. Never Ever, would my H ever let a woman control his very life.

Oh my gosh, I totally know what you mean. I have denied this past summer soooo many things H has done, thinking "No way, no way could he be doing this? He has too many morals to be cake eating". I have had the same shock as you, many times over. The day after H confessed things to me, he took our kids and met OW and her kids to go swimming. That night, I put a strict boundary and said "See her if you are going to, I can't stop that, but I will get legal on your ass if you take our kids around her ever again". They talked on the phone for over a month longer, and pathetically tried to hide it. Oh and don't worry, I have never felt so used. Last week, H and I were intimate, and not two minutes after we were, he called OW. She doesn't answer his calls anymore, which actually makes it more pathetic. But still, I was in shock.

The only thing I know for sure is that there will be no more "visits" to his house. No more going anywhere when he invites me. Not until if or when this thing with her is over. I will not let him do this to me and my girls any longer.

You are planning on going a bit dark, which is great. But I think the DB key is to remain polite, but detached. I really don't know the answer whether you should tell him or not, I am thinking not, just answer with vague "I've been busy" answers, I suppose. I could have written your post, I am just so sorry!!

[theotherhalf]

thanks lwb,

this morning I am so numb. I can't even cry. I feel so used, so hopeless, so hurt

i really don't know if there is anything left, what's the point hanging on if he has made up his mind

some say i should somehow let OW that he is still sleeping with me, don't know if it would be wise or not. Agree that she probably doesn't know, but maybe she does. afraid that it'll just anger him and push him harder towards her.

[LL44]

I think getting involved with telling OW would push him away at this moment.

this morning I am so numb. I can't even cry. I feel so used, so hopeless, so hurt

I am so sorry!!! Its awful. Sometimes the shock keeps us from feeling anything. After H confessed, it took me 4 days, and then I finally cried. HARD. Before that, I was a robot going through motions, not eating or sleeping. Please take care of yourself.

[JoieDeVivre]

Hi,
I'm in the same boat as you and LWB (H still in contact with OW). Does H know that you now know he is still seeing OW? If it were me I would let him know. That happened to me, I found out H was intimate with OW after d-day and I called him out on it. Told him if he wanted to do that and be intimate with me, he could leave. I would not stand for that disrespect.

I'm with LWB about if you should tell him you're going dark. I'm not sure. On one hand, it would help set boundaries. Perhaps letting him know that you're no longer going to let him have his cake and eat it, too would knock a bit of reality into his fantasy world. Going dark gives them a taste of what D would be like. And gives you a chance to distance yourself from the exhausting emotions.

My H is still here but I think about this a lot.

[mkultra]

I am so sorry for the confirmation. It is not a normal relationship. None of these affairs are normal but they are all kind of the same in a way. I think many of us could have written your confirmation. I also never saw my H use his cell phone like that. No one I know moves in with someone new in a week? Who does that except someone in an affair that is mired in secrecy and mistrust?

Dr. Ellen says to tell H that you love him but that you cannot share him. She says the spouse can help the WS to get over their addiction, but I do not get that impression from DR. I think DR suggests letting the affair die on its own so the WS does not relapse.

You are dealing with someone who may have an addiction to the feeling H gets from the affair, not even the actual person, just that reflection of how they feel in the affair. That is certainly the case with my H!

SMART MARRIAGES
Infidelity -
Expert Advice from Shirley Glass, PhD from her keynote speech
at the Smart Marriages conference.

- Affairs are less about love and more about boundaries. Affairs can happen in good marriages.

- The major attraction in an affair is NOT the love partner but the positive mirroring of the self --
"the way I look when I see myself in the other person's eyes."

- The conventional wisdom is that the person having an affair isn't "getting enough" at home.
The truth is, the person isn't giving enough.

- Most affair relationships are far more equitable than the marriages they violate.

- One of the greatest threats to marriage today is the child-centered family.

- When women have affairs, it is much more often a result of a long-term marital dissatisfaction --
and the marriages are much harder to repair.

- People often try to justify an affair by rewriting the marital history. They'll say, "I never really loved you."

- Most people think that talking about the affair with the spouse will only create more upset,
but that is actually the way to rebuild intimacy.

- The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much
empathy the unfaithful partner shows for the pain they have caused when the betrayed
spouse gets emotional and starts "acting crazy."

[mkultra]

I promise it does get better but it will be very trying on your nerves and you have to be very patient. Your H sounds very confused. Affairs seem like an easier escape but many WS realize the grass is not greener and eventually want to come back home. Maybe that is why H is being so wishy washy with you. Again, I am so sorry but don't take all the responsibility or beat yourself up for loving this guy. He is still your H!

[Amy]

sorry duplicates

[Amy]

I have no great advice other to say I am walking in shoes similar to your shoes and I know your pain. I will keep your family in my prayers. I know that somehow all of us will get through this it is just right now I don't know how.

[Amy]

my comp went crazy. sorry dups.