I don't know if I have mentioned my whole sitch I think just parts of it. I have been married for 13 years to my husband. It has been rocky for like the last ten years it seems. Not all rocky LOL but parts of it. First off he is or has a low sex drive it seems. For me it is hard to deal with because men are just stereo typed so different. They are supposed to be the horn dogs. Well, in the midst of this since his sex drive declined I noticed him like 4 years ago writing e-mails to this girl he use to date. He was trying to meet her as she lives in a different state. Nothing ever happened between them as in the meeting never took place. But boy did it hurt and sure broke my trust. Then like 5 months ago he seemed to be so damn angry all the time. He now on top of having a lower sex drive was having ED problems. He did get checked out by a doc that told him tests were normal. Also that it was normal for a guys sex drive to fall off. He is only 42. Well, he seemed to be on the computer a lot also. I just had that bad feeling I got last time. I installed a key logger and found out he registered on an adult dating site. Some girls had e-mailed him. He was e-mailing this one girl back that lived like 20 minutes from us. He had sent pictures of himself. Told where he worked and the general area that he lived in. He also got a very provacitive picture from the girl and wrote how he would like to bury his face in a certain private area. He was in the stages of trying to meet her. I was crushed. I mean I lost it. I cried and was so hurt. He sat there and kept trying to hold me and kept telling me to look in his eyes. Because he told me he was only fiddling around. It didn't mean anything. He said do know how much I respect you. Your working and going back to school to even better our finances. I am so proud of you. I would never jepordize what we have. He told me loved me. Well, then the very next day the night before Mothers Day he seemed short with me all day. He took the kid's shopping and there was an e-mail from this girl in his private e-mail account. That day after professing all that to me he went to the public library and created a new yahoo account and e-mailed her. He said his wife had found out about their writings and he didn't hav a good marriage. But that he could't get her picture out of his head. He said write me back with your phone number and I will contact you. Then I will give you my number. Well, he was out shopping with the kid's when I came across this. I almost vomited reading this. After the kid's were in bed man did we have a fight. I confronted him and he was floored. See this girl had sent the e-mail to his old account when she was responding. Or else I would have never known. She had copied and pasted his letter and was responding. He ended up where he was angry that night. He told me he was sick of me checking to see what he was doing and that is why he did it to see if he could get away with it. After much screaming we calmly talked. He admitted that he felt like crap about himself. He said I don't know what's wrong with me. He cried and seemed genuinely messed up in the head big time. Well, since I have just lost my trust in him. I did find a number in his wallet with a number that said his friend's number like this Jack's *67 234-5656 Of course not that exact number for privacy.lol But I confronted him and said oh did jack get his number changed. Why the *67. He admitted it was this girl's number and he didn't want me to get mad. Only a friend from work that use to work there. She is married and has kid's. I only seen a couple calls on there on his phone. I think twice in this 5 months. He said he was calling her to plan a surprise for me. Well, 5 months later there has been no surprise. So I have lost my trust in him. I have this bad feeling he is cheating. I keep looking but haven't found anything. Like multiple calls on his cell. Missing money from accounts. Keylogger on the computer and nothing. But this bad feeling is still there. Why a man who has a low sex drive would cheat is beyond me. I think it makes it hurt even more. I have fought and fought for this marriage. I have made huge changes in myself for the better. Now I am at an all time low because I lost this trust and I feel so lonely. I just feel so vulnerable right now. I get hit on quite a bit. Lately I have felt well if he could possibly be cheating and deprives me of a sexual relationship maybe I should get my needs fullfilled elsewhere. Then on top of everything else I feel then comes the shame. Because I have a bad guilty conscience. I feel bad for even thinking those things. But yet I reason them in my head.
