Oh boy Brenton, I know what you mean. I'm just getting into DB'ing (not doing it right though & not getting the swing of it). But sometimes I wonder why bother.
Oh, Breton - as I was catching up on your thread, I could detect a sadness in your posts over the last couple of days. I'm so sorry....
It does sound like he has been reading from the MLC textbook, although that doesn't make it any easier to hear.
Read over your last couple of posts - you say that he doesn't look happy. My feeling is that when he is saying that he is now happy, it is to get to you. Much in the same way that he says he is going for custody (of the child that he had reservations about having). My guess is that you know your H pretty well and can tell when he is happy and when he is not.
It is so hard when they are confronting us. You have to try and detach, and remember the right things to say, and, above all, remain calm like none of what he is saying bothers you. But you are human and you have to give yourself a little break here.....
I think we are at similar spots in this thing....Michele says to look for a sign. Like you, I have nothing.
Why are we doing this? If you mean DBing - you are doing it for you. The more I think about certain parts of the book, the more I think it is more of a self help book than a marriage saving book. It tells you to detach - which is healthy for you. It tells you to get a life, which is healthy for you. Try to stop thinking that you are doing this to save your marriage. Think about it for you.
If you don't think you handled it well, learn from it for next time. But don't dwell on it. Don't beat yourself up over it. That will not help you at all.
My H got angry at me a week and a half ago and still seems that way when I see him. I do not let it affect me. I smile, say good morning, etc. I can either allow him to impact my how I feel or I can decide for myself. It isn't easy, but I truly believe that his mood is his issue and, therefore, he should have to deal with it.
Honey - I'm sorry that you are having a rough time right now. I know it is hard, but try to focus on you and your daughter right now. And stand firm about separate L's....what could they be thinking?
Said he does not understand why I still want to be with him.
This is the reason for his anger. It`s not at you, but at himself for letting you down.
My H used to seem so angry at me. I can remember one particular day, and later when he was able to talk with me, he said he also remembers the day. That day he was so angry at ow, but directed his anger at me.
I had breakfast w/a male friend. He's having a relationship w/a 24-year-old who is in the process of getting divorced. He's 40.
It wouldn't surprise me if H and friend reconnect at some point and discuss and justify their respective relationships.
I decided that if H wants to talk more, I will ask him to come back this evening when D1.5 is asleep. I don't want to talk about things with her listening in her sad little way.
Today the doorbell rang and D1.5 shrieked "Daddy!"
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
When you talk with him on Tues., be upbeat and kind. Don`t think of this as the end of your M, look at this as a chance to really do some DB`ing.
Validate what he says and try not to argue. Leave that to the court. Look cute, relax, and be yourself. Treat him as you would a friend. I know this may be hard for you. Set the tone of the evening with a friendly greeting. H needs to feel comfortable around you. He probably feels like you hate him.
My H told me that he had to make his new life work because he gave up his old life for it. He knew he made a mistake, but couldn`t admit he was wrong, although he eventually did.
-Telling me a ridiculously low amount of CS for D1.5, from his friend the attorney who would jointly represent us. Um, no. But I said nothing. Said it was his deal and what he wants.
-H feels he has "zero doubts" about OW. I think every relationship has some doubts or you don't understand the gravity of what you are doing.
-I told him that you can throw away an old pair of pants and get a new pair but the new pair gets old, too. I was able to say this with a smile.
-Agreed w/him that I don't want to go back to where we were and certain fights were a problem. Said I felt a good relationship was built on equality and respect. Also told him I noticed that he was very angry and I didn't know what to do. H thinks this response should just come naturally if you are to be w/someone long term. Um, yes.
-H is going to the mediator only for me.
-Also pointed out that I am in a stage of life where yes, I need to have more responsibility. I have a little one to take care of and life is not as easy as it is to be single. That's life.
-Said he had pathos for me again and said again he wants to be friends. (Yes, so long as it doesn't interfere with his fun.)
-I pointed out that this was the first real conversation we had had for a long time.
I was able to stay positive and he said somehting like "We will talk more tomorrow."
In a moment of anger a few days ago, he said that he would get custody of beautiful D1.5. I don't believe he wants full custody as that will ruin the fantasy life he has built for himself, but it has me so worried that I need to see an attorney as well. I don't think it is realistic that he would get primary or full custody of D1.5, but I am having trouble sleeping, worrying about the possibility.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
