Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Amy]

Well, I have to tell you I am beginning to think I am the one that needs to be committted. I don't know. I keep changing my mind up and down and back and forth.

One minute I am so mad at him I want to just get rid of him and never see him again. I hate that he has the audacity to call me from his girlfriends house. I hate that he can actually tell me he loves both of us.

Then there are days like today when he calls me sobbing and says he misses me and the kids and he is being checked back into the hospital for another suicide attempt. He told me he loved me and not to give up on him. I said what are you saying and he said I dont know. I am not sure what I want. Then he says I am sorry I hurt you. He then just begged me to continue to be nice to him and promised me he would figure things out soon. I just said ok and hung up.

My mother in law told me that the OW has said she is going to have an abortion. For whatever that is worth. I don't think she is pregnant but she is trying so hard to convince him and controls him with guilt and her threats of suicide so he just can't walk away. She too is bipolar so they feed of each other. As much as he is being a selfish jerk I also know that he is very sensitive and I think his guilt is killing him right now.

I did get a new cell phone today in the state I am in and did not give him the number. I felt it was best that I have backup in case he turned mine off. As for ignoring his calls I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should and part of me doesnt. I know that I will not call him. I am going to let him work things out and come to me. I have no choice but to do that. I guess I will decide when the phone rings rather or not to take his calls. I know that if I am the least bit upset I shouldn't because right now his state of mind is so fragile and I do not want to hurt him at all.

Crazy I know because I am dying in pain but I still can't bear the thought of causing someone else pain.

The really hard thing for me here is that I am dealing with not only a WAS but one with a mental illness that hasn't been properly medicated. While so many of thise techniques are great there are also very many that just simply don't work when you are dealing with someone that is out of their mind.

I am going to keep praying. Keep my kids protected. Keep loving my husband from afar and continue to build my own life so that I can function with or without him.