The role of the OP in MLC

[angelica]

I am starting a new thread reflecting where I am in my thinking and reading and reflection on MLC. And that is to try and understand a little better the ROLE that the OP plays in our MLCer's life. I realise that we cannot specifically know, but given that there are some startling similarities in so many of our sitch's I wanted to share my thoughts and get some feedback.

For newbies, and others, I have no expertise, and these are very much MY views.

For the purposes of this thread I am taking it that the type of MLCer we are talking about is someone who fairly suddenly 'flipped' and became in most important respects, their complete opposite. That the lbs knew about fairly serous issues in their chldhood adolescence that they had never resolved.

While I don’t approve of adultery I have no interest, here at any rate, in OP 'bashing' . We can all do that, but here I want to try and understand, as a part of accepting and moving forward, if that makes sense.

Snodderly and others who have been around a lot longer than me have described the MLC process dealing with things arising from their childhood and putting the missing pieces of the puzzle back. Again, I am not condoning their method: but it isn’t called a crisis for nothing. I also agree that we don’t have to excuse horrible behaviour, but the horrible behaviour happens, and we have to deal with it.

So, after this very long preamble, the idea I want to discuss is that when we fall in love we are searching for the missing pieces of ourselves. It isn't a new idea, but it suddenly resonated. Does the OP represents for our MLC/WAS the missing pieces they have to deal with? For the longest time I couldn't understand what my h saw in the particular person he chose, in terms of the person he is and what he values and likes in others. But now, in the context of the missing pieces that I believe he is dealing with it all makes more sense.

For they do 'fall in love', in many cases. They aren't doing this just to upset us! I think it also may help to explain why some of them stay with the OP – they may be a better fit overall than we are for the person that they have become, or they may indeed be the crutch that the WAS needs while they deal with their issues.

If we are grounded, we realise that falling in love is not going to solve our problems, but if we are in considerable distress, and looking for help, then there is a tendency to blame the spouse, and assume that it will be better with a new person, so in one sense the MLCer is 'lookingl' for someone to fall in love with.

Falling in love also helps to deal with depression, and is a wonderful distraction. But the particular person they choose is a good 'fit' for their psychological and physical needs at the time. We don’t have to like the OP – they may be very like us or very different, but our spouses have to act out and work through their issues with that person. We will not do. I do believe that many of them choose someone damaged for a whole raft of subconscious reasons, but that is just MO.

[RealJourney]

I think they pick someone damaged because they are damaged themselves. They are running away and finding an escape. It's usually someone convenient ( the OW worked in my H's office). To justify the behavior, the affair becomes something really special in their minds. Chemicals get activated, and an addictive process ensues. I believe many of these MLCers eventually would like to return, but get locked into their new life, feel guilt and shame, and can't.

I really don't see anything more to it than this.

[angelica]

I used to agree with that POV, but in the last few months I have come to believe, in some cases at least, it is a lot more complicated. So many of them try and leave and get sucked back in, like an addiction. One poster here reported, I think, 50 breaks-ups, before her h hit bottom and broke free.

At some level beyond sexual, many of them seem to 'need' the OP.

[Nutty Chick]

If we are grounded, we realise that falling in love is not going to solve our problems, but if we are in considerable distress, and looking for help, then there is a tendency to blame the spouse, and assume that it will be better with a new person, so in one sense the MLCer is 'lookingl' for someone to fall in love with.

Falling in love also helps to deal with depression, and is a wonderful distraction. But the particular person they choose is a good 'fit' for their psychological and physical needs at the time. We don’t have to like the OP – they may be very like us or very different, but our spouses have to act out and work through their issues with that person. We will not do. I do believe that many of them choose someone damaged for a whole raft of subconscious reasons, but that is just MO.

My H is convinced the I make him unhappy therefore he gambles. In his strange logic OW makes him happy and so he does not feel the desire to gamble.

I spoke to his mum who told me that he has had a gambling problem since he was 15. So it can't be me as he did it years before meeting me.

My H tells me he has not gambled since being with OW (2 monthes now) My son tells me that my H plays the slot machines when he takes him out.

My H OW does not appear to be broken or damaged. She seems like a good person. she is a nurse, she has a teenage daughter...she has been married 3 times. (Ok so maybe that isn't so good)

My H is looking for someone to blame for his problems and is looking for someone to fix him. He has both now; and yet... he doesn't seem happy.



Nutty Chick.

[kikifree]

IMO, Definitely an addiction. The feelings are strong in the beginning. But, I believe, after a while the OP cannot bring relief to their crisis. When with the OP, they like how that person makes them feel about themselves. Ityactually is how THEY feel about themselves. The new person in their life only sees the pretty stuff. After awhile, it changes.

Being with the OP will not fix them. That is when they realize how screwed up they are.

[Nutty Chick]

I believe many of these MLCers eventually would like to return, but get locked into their new life, feel guilt and shame, and can't.

I really don't see anything more to it than this.

I would agree to this. My H has lucid moments when he phones me and asks if he has done the right thing he says he will doubt his decision all of his life. He tells me that he cares deeply / loves me and misses our son greatly ... and then I don't hear from him for a couple of days... and when I do. He is Mr. Nasty, Mr, Angry, Mr, you ruined my life.

One day he will tell me that he hardly knows Ow, hardly see's her etc and others he will tell me he wants son to meet her...

I would not want to be in his mind for anything. It is bad enough watching him from a distance.

Guilt and shame. Huge ammounts of guilt and yet not wanting to be seen to have made a mistake. It is so so sad.

Nutty Chick

[angelica]

Hi - I don't think that all of the OPs are problematic, by any means, and I do realise that the LBS is not going to look for the good in them, in many cases. But a fair few posters here do report some odd men and women. . . . Actually three marriages in someone who is presumably still reasonably young does suggest a possible problem with commitment . . . . or just terribly bad judgement!!

I still feel that some of them, at any rate, are looking for [some] of the missing pieces in the OP.

[Cinderellaman]

Angelica - good topic !

As you know, I have always been afraid that my H's ow is a good and kind person....then I have days where I just can't figure out how she could have met me, met my kids and STILL have gone off with my H.
As a person I wouldn't be able to live with myself under those circumstances !
She's seen what kind of person I am. I have always been kind and warm to her...even though I feared from the beginning that SHE would run off with my H, or H with her....

I DO think that my H is telling himself that SHE is what he needs, and has needed for SO LONG....he loves how she makes him feel about HIMSELF - YES !

Will it last...oh my...I guess it could. For now, I see no possible ending to this horrid tale !

[angelica]

Cinders - do read up on narcissitic personality disorder - I think you will see a lot of traits your h exhibits [I am not saying all MLCers have borderline narcissitc personality disorder] NPDers have a need for adulation that goes beyond what is normal. I always remember praising something my h had done - about ten years ago, and i said, 'I am not going over the top on this am I?'

and he replied'You should know by now that I can never have enough praise' He said it lightly, with a laugh, but I thnk there was a lot of truth in it. His parents never gave him much praise. If he got all As, and one A minus, they would want to knw why he had got an A minus!! He won prizes, scholarships, awards but they were dismissive. 'Didn't want him to get a swollen head' was how they put i. Well, our second son is very bright, and I do know how dangerous it can be to make a kid feel valued only for what they can do, or to make them feel 'better' than other people' But you can do it in a way that bolsters their self esteem.

I feel sorry for the parenting my h had.

[Cinderellaman]

Angelica - I have a bit....and yes, a lot does make sense...he is a bit narcistic ....and yes he loves praise, and yes his parents didn't praise enough !!! Still don't, and don't approve of his actions now and feelings....good for me, but AGAIN tough on him !

THanks, I'm off to bed ! Have 4 kids tomorrow morning !! xxx