Hi Sue . I haven't been around for ages, but life is good! NO, my wife and I are not getting back together, but thanks to this BB and Michele's books, I have found myself again, I have not only survived, but I am thiving!
What is bothering me about your thread at this moment, is that you still seem to be obssessing! You are hoping, putting expectations etc. I am NOT saying that your journey is over, that you must move on WITHOUT you husband..but if this is to work, you must stop expecting your husband to fulfill yoour needs!
Quote: just wish he would ask me sometime how I am doing..anything..he will always answer..just won't ask.
ANYTHING ???? No, dont go down that road...it hurt me more then it did any good!
Keep working at it, but change you perspective, your expectations!
Than again, I have been away for so long, maybe I dont have a true handle on you situation at the moment!
Steph...great to hear from you..sorry that things are not working out like you had hoped..very glad to hear you are doing ok...moving on with your life..and happy.
About me obsessing...I really did not think I was doing that anymore...I have felt better the past few months than I have for over a year..h too, is very relaxed..himself again.
I guess I am wanting some direction so I can decide what I need to do next. I want to fix some things around the house..but are we going to need to sell it.. as I won't be able to own a home on my own...if h was totaly cool and avoided me or was didtant when we talk..that probably would be some kind of clue that things are not going too well amd I need to face that I will end up alone..BUT he is not like that...we talk without the tension that was there..his mother is including me for Easter dinner...so does it mean there's hope?? If he would just tell me" I think our m is worth saving.." then I could continue to give him the time and space he needs..no pressure.. Bottom line is I need to know..I feel so good most days..but our lives are hanging...this must be where the patince comes in, and deep down I know that. I have read hundreds of threads here this past year.. seem to be 2 different senerios...waw leaves...anger...fights...no contact...waw decides to try to work on m, r talks, touching, new commitment, OR...waw leaves..anger...no contact..r talks..does not want to be m.. one or the other files for d. What senerio is mine? waw leaves...but we are friends, talk, laugh, go out.......................am I wrong..too impatient to just want some idea where it is goin?
Steph suggests changing my expectations..my perspective..help me out with some ideas for doing that, as I am at a lost.
Quoting hoping: BUT he is not like that...we talk without the tension that was there..his mother is including me for Easter dinner...so does it mean there's hope?? If he would just tell me" I think our m is worth saving.." then I could continue to give him the time and space he needs..no pressure..
I know exactly what you are going trough! My wife and her family included ME into their Chrsitmas plans...and I really enjoyed it, and started wondering if we were actually getting somewhere...but, to tell you the truth, that could have kept going on for ever...I am the one who has had enough now, not my wife. I could no longer keep up the "mind games" that were going on: seperated, not together, but still very much involved with each other! I am the one that gave up...not her. So if YOU feel there is still hope...PLEASE keep up the good work!
Quote: Steph suggests changing my expectations..my perspective..help me out with some ideas for doing that, as I am at a lost.
Well, that's a tough one...I would say DONT CALL...not once, not twice...wait till he calls! And about his asking how you are doing...I still ask my wife and she rarely asks me...I have just sort of given up on her asking me. That is NO reason for me to stop being nice enough with her to ask! I take the high road on this one...I am still the one to ask how things are, to offer help when it is needed, to be there for my daughter and her mother. Simply put...I am doing everything I used to do but now, I have NO expectations of us EVER getting back together, I do it because it is who I am: a caring, loving, motherly (even as a father, husband, ex-husband, son, teacher) person. I used to do it because I thought it would endear me to her, that she would start thinking about an "US". I have stopped thinking that way ONLY because I have lost my patience. But I do feel better, happier, less weighted down than I have in over two years! . BECAUSE I have no expectations!) But I have thought about it lately: I have many women frineds who are nice, dear, helpfull, caring, motherly, attractive etc.. Yet they do NOT attract me in a "romantic" way! That is the way my wife feels...can I really change that? I dont know, and I am beyond the point of actually trying to find out anymore! It sounds sad to many people her on this BB, but it is actually a very good feeling...liberating! OF COURSE, I would have prefered to save my marriage..and yes I do think this BB and Michele's books gave me a fighting chance, but they also taught me that only I could make myself happy!
If you do things with the hope that it will bring back your husband's love, his feelings for you. That is where your perspective is way off! Do things (even if it is what you are doing now) because it is who you are and because you would do it for any good friend!
Steph.....your post made me think...I am afraid things might go on like "this" indefinetly...I need more...I need to be loved, held, touched...appreciated..wanted as a partner and friend in marriage.Yet the healing or space needed has only been 5 months. I have to understand that it can't all be fixed in such a short time. I will continue to do the things that make me feel good..and yes I would do all these things for a friend...thing is maybe I did too much and that is what crowded h. He is enjoying his freedom with activities with our church and his work group...he can come and go as he pleases..if he comes back will I let him do these things that I did not for many years..but will he realize that I need him too?? Guess I should not keep wondering "what if he comes back". Take each day and be thankful for what I have..and deal with the rest as it happens.
I will not call him...when he calls it is never to just say hi..and that's ok..thing is he has NEVER been the one to make the first move..so I have to realize that that is not going to change and accept it. The image of the romantic husband sending roses or giving diamonds for gifts is something I had dreamed of the first few years, then I looked close at what I really had..and I knew those things were not what I really wanted or needed(I do love flowers though..not roses...)
There's nothing wrong with wanting all of those wonderful things from your H. You just need to realize he can't give them to you right now.
I reread MLC section of DR today and it made me feel much better. Maybe you should do the same.
Also, I love flowers so I buy a bunch everytime I go to the grocery store. Yesterday I bought myself an Easter Lily. I love the smell of them. It reminds me of my mother and nothing brings me more comfort than reminders of her.
Hi Dotto..I have not been very good at posting or emails..thanks and I know that h can't give those things right now...I am not ready to give up that it will never happen..will wait, but will go on with my life and finding out new things about me.
Not much new here...saw h at church last night and he told me what time dinner is at his moms on Sunday..our video club is next Sat. and he thought it was this week..asked if there was anything we needed ..that is a first...as he has always left all those things to me. I thought about asking him if he wanted to help me make the salads for Sunday.
I told him about a sale on sports shirts as he has a church seminar and banking school coming up, I told him I almost bought some without thinking..I always bought his shirts too...guess it's time to let him do for himself!!!
I know these are small things but big steps for me....went to church last night and h was the usher..but he came and sat with me for service...also saw him today and told him I had bought the dvd The Ten Commandments and asked if he would like to come over tonight and watch it.. he kinda hesitated but said he would like that.So...these are little steps forward..I really think he might be waiting for me to make the moves..I don't know why I say that, but I just get that feeling..if the mood is right and no lkids, I might ask him tonight.
. I haven't been around for ages, but life is good! NO, my wife and I are not getting back together, but thanks to this BB and Michele's books, I have found myself again, I have not only survived, but I am thiving!
But I do feel better, happier, less weighted down than I have in over two years! 