Hey Morgan, Re: Telling H ILY. I wonder about that rule also? I feel like it is OK for me to let my H know that I will always love him, I mean I married him and made that promise and it just feels like a choice, not a sentence or an accident. I actually have not said it in over two months I think. I feel as though love is truly a choice, an action. But I also know it is a cardinal rule to not say it because it challenges the WS to defend why they are no longer "in love" with the LBS. It is just so hard to not just love freely and openly.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
awww, you all are sweet to check up on me. I'm sorry I never made it on yesterday. just a busy day...gym, off to the farm for a re-do of the hedge maze, getting their things packed up for the sleepover. I was meeting a friend up near where H works so instead of him picking the kids up here, I met him there. we left early due to holiday traffic issues and OUCH...will still sat in a ton of it (for those outside of new england, its a holiday weekend here, columbus day is monday and schools/some businesses are closed).
did a little shopping, had fun with my girfriend. I think I officially burnt out on shopping. I am not a huge shopper to begin with...don't get me wrong, I like to get new things here and there, but I hate SHOPPING. Maybe that's why I like smaller stores like ann taylor/banana republic/gap, rather than dept stores. and I still haven't found much in the way of fall/winter clothes. I need to buy stuff, its not a choice, I need to, but I swear I am just being too picky. but I had a great time. ran into another friend who I haven't seen in a long time. someone H and I used to work with, she practically was match-maker for us, and she was asking about him. I just couldn't tell her, so just said he was fine. hey, at least I didn't burst into tears and rant her ear off, right?
btw, in case you were wondering, I met H at a store near the mall. he got there just about 10 minutes after me and I swear he looked at me like he couldn't stand me. nice, huh? guess I'm back to being evil morgan in his eyes.
today I am debating on going to the gym or skipping it. I kind of want to skip it, which is so wrong, but I already have it in my head that I can make up the day tomorrow, so think I'll do that. that way I'll have my endorphins nice and up for when H gets here with the kids in the morning. so think I'm going to just go ahead and get dressed today and head out for one last attempt at finding some clothes.
I've decided to spend today on my own. I need an on-my-own day...I'm going to run some errands, get some much-needed stuff done around here, and am going to pull out some of the new books I just bought and start them. may just re-read parts of DR, too.
part of me is a wee bit sad, because when I called the kids this morning, H told me he might take them to this ren. faire that is nearby. I was thinking about taking the kids there at some point, but its not around much longer and I haven't gotten around to it. I think they will have a ton of fun, so when H told me he was thinking of taking them, I just got a little sad. I did not ask if I could tag along, because honestly I want my me day. selfish, but I want/need it. H didn't ask me if I wanted to go, btw. no storyland repeat here.
well, I'm babbling. hope everyone has a great saturday! am trying here. 2 days in a row with no meltdowns/breakdowns. can't promise the same today, but I've got a lot I want to get done, even if it is a me day, so likely will be too busy, anyway. we shall see.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Good morning morgan. I am so glad you weren't on because you were busy with fun/house/kid stuff, instead of something major going on. I say skip the gym and do it tomorrow. Its Morganday, not Saturday. Sorry about the evil look, you aren't evil, you are loving and kind. H is in a fog.
When you said Ren Fair, the first thing I thought of was Storyland. You are making the right choice. In a way it is acting as if to want to be alone. Say no a couple of times because it is good for you not to always be available. It is also great that he thought of you.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
mk, easy to say no when he doesn't ask. lol. so I guess I didn't even get the chance to say no...or yes. in all honesty, I would have gone with them in a heartbeat, because its something I have been thinking about doing with the kids, and it ends in the next couple of weeks. so probably just as well that he didn't say anything.
lwb, thanks for thinking of me. its nice to know, somehow, that in the midst of all of this crap when I feel myself sinking into loneliness, that you all are out there thinking good thoughts and such.
yeah, sinking into it a bit today. I ran to the mall for a bit, going to swear off malls for a while. came away with only one new top..so that's one last night, one today. I'm done. I'll live with what I have, or shop online. I did do my grocery shopping on the way home, so that is done and tomorrow morning I can run to the gym...even if I have to kick myself to get me there. no excuses.
on the way to the grocery store I started breaking down a bit. just sad abou the upcoming anniversary/holidays. don't get me wrong, I know I'll be fine, I know I'll get thru it, I know every day I'm stronger and all that jazz. but I'm sad. and I miss H...I miss the man he used to be. but hey, such is life. need to focus on mine and remind myself what a great life I still have ahead of me, even if I'm alone.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
morgan-- You know that you are not alone. You have your kids, family and friends. Your H is a part of your life, not the whole thing. I remember hearing those same words and feeling little solice in them, but it is true, and you will come to see this slowly. You are grieving, and your reactions make sense.
You are such a good person, you have people whom you have never met face to face concerned for your well-being, thinking about you and wishing you well.
You are so hard on yourself about the gym--sometimes you have to give yourself a bit of a break. You sound so much like me...I can't wait to be able to meet you. I am still looking for a last minute deal, so keep your fingers crossed for me.
morgan, today H said he wanted to take D5 to get her ears pierced. I was quiet about it (of course I would want to be there). Later, I asked him to bring the camera and he said "I wasn't thinking, you want to be there, we'll go another time". So, yes, easy to say no when we aren't invited. lol
