What I got was that she did not trust it. It was fake. It was a desperate attempt to win her back and she was not ready for that. So what I am stuck in is what I like to call Limbo Land. I am not sure what to do
This was how my H felt about my actions. They were fake. Now I have to keep it up even when he does not validate, acknowledge or when the desired effect is not achieved. Actions speak louder than words and dedicated actions speak volumes!!!
Quote:
At times I think that us seperating would be a good thing. The other part of me knows that will close the door for me
When I left Aaron said it affected him in a way he never expected and that it did close the door for him for quite some tme. On the flipside leaving was made me realize how much I really did not want ot leave in the first place. When It was gone I realized how much I missed it. It is such a double edged sword. I wish I had never left and yet would I have learned all I did about me and he all he learned about him had we not done it this way. There is no way to know./
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
Forrest when you said "In my heart I know I should just keep putting myself out there" you told yourself what to do. Listen to your heart. As for you leaving, I agree with littlebitlost when she said that it is a double edged sword.At times I hate my H for leaving but there has been some good that has come out of it. He is realizing that he misses me when I'm not there. Well not all of the time but he does miss me. But on the other hand I wish he was here to really work on things. You leaving or seperating is up to you. It has to FEEL right in your heart. My advice would be to take some time, make a list of the pros and cons for each. Really think about this. What will you be missing with your kids if you leave? Will anything get resolved with your wife? That is something that only time will tell. But having been the party that was walked out on I know how much it hurts, but I also am trying to see my h's side. He feels it was something that he needed to do. So he did it. Now we are trying to figure out where to go from here. I hope that I help at least a little bit.
I am a semi-LBS neither one of us has commited to leaving. As wrong as you are in reading what you have read. You amaze me. I am not going any where. I will be right here as long as my wife wants me to be. She can trample on me. She can try to distance herself. I am gonna be right here. You and who you are is enough. Trust in that. You had no obligation to post here. But you did. That is the true you. Hang onto that. You remind me of my wife. So much potential, everyone else sees it. Why don't you?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
So now today she is asking me to leave. I feel if I leave I am cementing in her that I never wanted this to work. She says that is not the case. It does not feel right in my heart for me to leave. She indicated that the one thing she wants I won't give her. To me that said she thought I was being selfish. I told her that she is the one that does not know what she wants. I want to be with my kids. The situation has taken a turn for the worse and I am not really sure why. I feel she should be the one to leave. But I also fell a little bit guilty about saying that. So to all of you out there should I "give her what she wants"? Or should I tell her she needs to go? Her definig space means I go through the day acting like nothing is going on. While she hides her phone and texts this "friend". I am finding it hard to do that. In a conversation we had last night she said I am all over the place. I said the only reason I am all over the place is because of your "friend" and you continuing to communicate with him. She agreed that me being crazy directly coinsided with that. So she sees it. She wants me yo be even and knows why I am not being even. But she does not want to stop what is making me uneven? She said that we were both waiting on the other person to change. But neither of us wanted to? How can I be even? I am so confused right now. I asked her what would be even or the middle road. She said she did not know. So I asked how would you know if I was walking down the middle road then? Am I being selfish in not wanting to leave?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Sorry to hear about the turn things have taken. Give it a little time to sink in before you take action. you know the 48 hour rule. Dude, you need to detach from the sitch a little bit, her actions seem to be having to much an effect on you. I don't know whether leaving is right or not. I am now moving down that path, if I had done it sooner would I be closer to healing in the M. I don't know. It was my feeling that seperating was the death sentence, but now I am looking at it as the only way.
I have been thinking about it for 3 weeks now. I am well over the 48 hours. To her nothing is going to change the situation but one of leaving. OK fair enough. Why should I be the one to leave? She is the one that does not know what she wants. If I leave what will she be missing? She will be in her house, in her bed, she will be around her kids, just me not there. I will have to go to my Mom and Dads house to live. It is fair if its me but unfair when I ask her to do it? Why do I have to be the one to run away from her issue. In her mind me going is the easier solution she has told me as much. How is it easier? I know by posting here I became the leader. I just don't see what she will be losing. Why do I have to give up everything and change my life. I am with you on leaving will be the death sentence. I am looking at it as the only way too right now. Why should it be me and not her to leave?
Last edited by Forrest Gump; 10/06/0704:56 PM.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I agree with you on this one. If this crap is brought on by her, by all means it should be her to leave. The only reason I am the one who will potentially leave is because, I moved into her house when we got married. This isn't suppose to be easy, she has to be accountable to some extent to causing this disruption in your family. Easier said than done. Regardless of what you do, try to keep loving her unconditionally and don't lose you focus. If you ask her to move out, do it nicely.
I did ask her nicely to leave. Know what she said. I was the one being selfish. The reason it was selfish was that I only need one room. So I can hang out on the computer. Thats all I do anyway. Last I checked she was the one who needs space and was asking for it. Does space mean sitiing there chatting with her about her day in bed? I cannot do this anymore. I don't even understand where this came from. She did tell me in a text message that her "friend" was getting engaged this weekend. Maybe she is feeling that. I don't want to be away from my kids things are so much smoother when I am "here" they are chatoic when I am not. She has even taken to saying all you do is talk to people walking thru the same things and it makes me sick. The only solution I see is walking out. She won't go.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I am sorry to hear what has happened. It really sucks and there is no other way to describe it. (save for inserting curse words) I do want to say that the best thing that aaron and I ever did was to physically seperate. Keep in mind I am saying ti was the best thing for 'us' and not anyone else... i want to point some things out in terms of why.
The way I left was not good. Soem of the things I said when I left were not good but the leaving in itself was. It gave us each the space and time we needed to truly figure out who we were. It also allowed me to look from the outside with out all of the things I had to appreciate what I no longer had. For example: the comfort of sleeping i9n someones arms and having athat comfort (though we had not slept in the same bed for months) I missed coming home and having someone to talkto abou tmy day (even though again we had not REALLY talked in months) I missed my house, I missed knowing he was 'there'. In the time I have been gone He has become an entirely different person. I really notice the changes as I wasnt THERE seeing them gradually happen but they just became. The things I have seen are the things he wanted me to see. I wasnt there to see the breakdown, the anger, the frustration. What I say was bright and shiny and lovingly indifferent. It has a strange effect on one to see that the other person can go on and be happy, a diffrent person, even when you aren't there for them. That strength and positivity is a magnet. I have gradually been drawn back to him because of the things I see...the 'glimpses'.
I will note that because I wanted us to seperate...in my situation I chose to be the one to get my own place. That is the hard part, who stays in the house. Do you ever act like you have let go....that this other person (the text thing) does not affect you? that you will no longer allow it to affect yuo. You need to be more appealing than this other person. He probably doesnt pressure her or back her into a corner (which you may not be doing but she may still feel you are) he probably olistens to her and acts interested (even if he isnt) This will all wear off. New relationships, even friendships are great at the start and then the move into a different mode and become comfortable and old. You have a leg up though. You are her husband and the father of your children. Sometimes you have to lose something to realize how much you really appreciate and want it.
All of this comes from the heart of one who has been there and one who has been affected by all the principals of thewse boards that were utilized by a LBS.
You probably dont need this but (((((((((((((forrest)))))))))))
Last edited by littlebitlost; 10/06/0707:49 PM.
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
Forrest: I say let her leave. Even my H agreed that since he was the one that wanted this it was only fair that he be the one to leave. You are right. She has to be the one that goes as she has to realize what she will be missing. I know that you and Cliffy feel that seperating is a M death sentence but it can also be good for the M. I'm trying to look at the positive side bc thats all you can do in a sitch like this. Look at it this way, If they leave then you don't have to appear strong all of the time. You can break down. I know that guys don't like to break down but I also understand how much this really hurts. Everyone needs to break down at times. You are not being selfish. If she wants this then let her leave. It seems like for some reason everyone is going nuts at the moment. I'm not sure what's going on with the universe but man is it playing with peoples hearts lately. Forrest I will leave you with some advice: Do what your heart tells you is right. If that means making her leave then do that. And my other advice that I myslef am working very hard on is: If it is meant to be it will be. I'm here if you want to talk at any time. I wish you all the best.
