Here we go 'round in circles...

[Jen_Jam]

Ok - got an idea. I spoke to my H about your situation and he's come up with an idea. My H can never remember things either, he puts reminders into his mobile phone, sometimes 8 or 9 a day. It's the only way he can make sure he remembers things. Perhaps your H could do the same?

My H also had another good idea. he suggested getting a book and each day you write something in it you'd like H to do. keep it simple, one thing per day, for example it could be "scrub my back when I'm in the bath" of "give me a shoulder massage". All the things you want. Then all your H has to do is read the book and fufil the request. he should be able to remember to look in the book!!!

How about running this for 4 weeks and seeing how it goes? My H suggested that if your H forgets one day, to say "oh well, never mind, there's always tomorrow". You'll have to decide as well on your threshold - if H does 4 out of the 7 things, would that be acceptable? If he does all 7, then great, but if he only managed 2 ... well, it's up to you. Might also be worth reviewing it over the 4 weeks, so that's 28 days, decide how many "hits" you can accept and how many "misses".

OK - now here is the hard bit. I told my H that you'd spelled out that if he doesn't pull up his socks it could lead to you leaving. My H reckoned one of 2 things:
1. Your H just is really forgetful
2. Deep down he doesn't really want to work on the M.

OK, I know the second one can be hard to take, but I also reckon at this point whatever H said you'd be fine, that you just need to know one way or the other, as it seems this is stopping you from moving forward.

So - if you do the book, and he doesn't try (or tries hard for a bit then it tapers off)... you have concrete proof, statistics even. You can say to him "out of the 28 requests, you only did 8" (for example) ... it might be time then to ask him to really lay his cards on the table.

As for me, well I feel if you've really said to H "please give me more intimacy and if you don't I will probably end up leaving you and I don't want to" ... blimey! How much clearer can you be? The only thing I think is maybe telling him isn't working, is there any other way of communicating to him? For example, he starts on you for sex, and you say no. You then state calmly you've asked him for what you want and you feel ignored. I'm getting at maybe actions will speak louder here?

I'd have a read of DR again ... the tools for getting what you want (do a 180, do nothing etc). I would have a look in mine but I can't find it!!!! Once upon a time that book never left my side, but now ..... I feel it's high time for an update on my thread.

Anyway - onto you. SD, can I just say I do admire you a lot. The fact you are so willing to find solutions and not just throw in the towel ... you've been one of my heros in this ... many many times when i felt bad I'd imagine i had you, Scott, Rob and Jeff around me to support me. Friends are like angels - you don't have to see them to know they are there. Thank you.