Out of the Abyss...

[ediemarie]

Cat - thank you. He did freak out and also drank a bit too much on Thursday night. He said at first he wasn't planning on going to her (and he was with her), (this is where the confusion comes in) but because I walked out he figured that it was ok for him to go see her AND he said if he knew that I would be back home he never would have gone to her. Wow. Ok. So if I keep my vows, you'll keep yours???? There's holes in his logic,and I can see how confused he is just by his rationalizations. So, his explanation wasn't that great.

We did make it Retro but fought through the whole first dialogue so we just left. It didn't help that neither of us slept much - he claims he didn't sleep because he felt awful about being where he was, he would have preferred to be with me, had awful dreams about how I couldn't get in touch with him, etc. etc. Although he did admit to being intimate with her - nice. I guess he really did have a lousy night. what????

I haven't told my parents anything about our situation since August. I just don't speak to them about it anymore. They were fantastic in June '06 when H dropped bomb 1 and were able to help both of us. After bomb 07, not so much. They now think I'm just a doormat that he is trampling all over.

I was beginning to trust my H again. It was fantastic. I'm just being tested in this area over and over again. I'm a Christian, so I don't really see it as H testing me, I really see it as me trusting God - I know it's weird. I just feel like God and I have some work to do and that He is using this situation to nudge me - if you will. I firmly believe, like most, that things in our lives happen for a reason. I had no doubt that the Lord brought Peter and I together. I thought that was where the story ended. I, of course, being human, have wondered why God would allow this to happen - His reply has always been, trust me and regardless of H's actions, I still need to do the right thing. This is not to say that I cannot set boundaries or leave or that I have to put up with his actions, I just need to trust God that His hand is in this. Something that has been difficult to do. When I am in the trusting God frame of "mind" I can get to where Cat is - if he wants to throw this away, he's the looser, not me. (Anyway, I didn't mean to sermonize, just working through some thoughts.)

So, H said last night that he's going to quit his job on Monday as he cannot work in that place with her. Hmm...this would have been easier to do if it were August...at least he has seen first hand that he can't work with her. I doubt Monday will be quitting day. He has many fears about our R and is scared that if he quits his job then I will just find something else to be unhappy with him about. So then he would have no job, no girlfriend, AND an unhappy wife.

So it goes...