All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

also another thought - why would he want to ML to me a month ago and now nothing? i'm confused.

[azhira]

I became negative and needy when he stopped giving compliments and withdrawing himself, it was a gradual process

I do the same thing.

Who knows about the ML? xh's interest seems to go in waves...a whole lot, then nothing for awhile. shrug

[Evie]

A- Are you happy with that? Do you iniate at all?

Are you still needy or have you got a solution to self improvement?

I need to set new goals, The original goals i set were about improving me. But now i need to look at R goals, not feeling so positive about those or really were to start with something realistic or achievable. What were your goals G?

I have woken up this morning it is now 9.00 am and I feel at rock bottom. I want to say to H, 'are we living as friends like I said I wanted to? because it's not working for me, I want you to stay and try to work at this M or I think it may be best if you leave. I see more of friends than I do of you and I actually get more support and affection from my friends than I do of you. I know you have plans (someone once said he will always have a plan)it hurts me that you haven't talked to me about it. You can hardly sit in the same room as me. I need more from this R, I want some affection every now and then'. I know thats giving him the ultimatium and its likely to push him further away. Were not even friends we're more like flatmates. Any thoughts???

He has a cold atm (man flu) that may account for him not wanting to go out with me and for his early bath and bed. But why doesn't he just say 'i'm not feeling well' instead of leaving me to second guess his behaviour. I know I take things to personally, but when I feel insecure, this is one of my negative traits I have. I know if i started to do my own things then he will as well and then we'll be living seperate lifes but co-habiting.......I don't want that, he's the one creating all the mystery and doing 180's. It's like revised pyshcology.


I walk to work and back again and I do most of thinking then. Looking into the future I don't know what I want. I've never really known. I got into an early marriage, had kids in my early 20s, divorce, straight into this R, more kids, 2 jobs, it doesn't leave much time for thinking and making plans for the future. I'm not that highly motivatd i'm afraid. All my energies have gone into building the business up and my demanding job ( i stay b/c my boss although v. demanding is extremely flexible with my hours, he allow me to work 7 - 3pm, so that I can pick up s's from school)

I am enjoying venting on here, its becoming addictive and an inspiration!

I'm off to the gym in a bit, I hope it makes me feel a whole lot better and maybe help to stop me saying something i'll regret later.

Have a great day.

Keep talking, i'm sorry i'm so pessimestic.

XD

[Evie]

Cat - not heard from you for a few days. How are you?

XD

[cat03]

hey there, quietly followign your sitch, I'm in "regaining strenght" mode, pretty soon I'll be in full swing, I had one of those episodes of unloading my emotions and was feeling pretty drained. I'm here, drawing a new path, a new plan.
Mostly, just to stick to my original offer to H: that we'd begin as friends and that I'd have 0 expectations from him, which has proven to be very very hard, as women's language is affection, not getting any has gotten to me. But now I remember, that the more I push the more reluctant my H will be, you can't make someone feel affection for you, it has to be born from them without anyone proding them.

I already feel lighter.

I know it drives you crazy that your H has his walls up so high and won't let you in. Work hard on lowering your expectations, in an ideal world a H would be loving and sweet and attentive to his W, but right now things aren't normal, so you can't expect that yet. Maybe he's still questioning himself and second guessing himself.
COG posted this video, I've been watching, had a good cry...it helped me get up and start anew. In the video, a person battles with 5 temptations, since i don't battle those exact same things I've renamed them, the 1rst is the lack of love and affection from my H and the hurt it causes me, the 2nd is the financial crisis that attempt to drag me down, the 3rd is any thought related with op/A and vengance thoughts towards her, the 4th is my low self steem and poor self body image, and the 5th and worst one, is the lies and cruel deceptions my H enveloped me in.
WHen one of those attach me I picture Jesus pulling me out of those demons, and fighting them for me. He's fighting this fight, and no matter the outcome He'll be with me until the ned and will make me a better stronger person.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

[Evie]

cat your reply made me cry. Everything you said had just happened to you, i'm feeling right now. I so sypathise with you. What happened to make you want to unload? Was it after H was quite cruel when he offloaded? Did you see his T?

What new path and goals have you set?

I'm at the exact same stage. I've written H a very brief letter this am. Things need to be said, whether in a letter/text/email/face to face. What I need to tell him is that although i asked him to stay and live as friends, it's not working for me. I want to tell him what my needs are and to reinforce that i still love him and am still prepared to work at it. He needs to know that I'm not happy with the way things are and that him still been here is giving me false hope.

I have read what you said, however, can a marraige begin again from this? He believes he is here as friends, i think he is here because he can't afford to move out. (I tell you, I get more from my friend in terms of affection, good times, and support) I've tried really hard with been positive etc but he is not willing to go out with me, sit in the same room for very long or talk about anything other than work and kids. I don't understand why he is been like this when we had such a lovely weekend last weekend. I don't even want to talk to him and i have reverted back to ignoring him and i shall distance myself again, even further. Right now I am tempted to just tell him to leave.


XD

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl, I think you need to just hang in there right now. I understand that you aren't getting what you want/need from H right now, but, yes, I do think an M can be rebuilt by "living as friends" for awhile. H needs to see what he is going to lose and see you standing by him no matter what.

Honestly, and obviously this is just my opinion, like I said, I think you need to just hang in there for awhile longer and not have any sort of R talk/letter/email, etc.

I've been rethinking my sitch as well. I get Gary Chapman's emails every day and each week they talk about a different topic. Well, this last week was emotional love or something along those lines and it reminded me that what we are really supposed to do is just love & support our spouses w/o the expectations and that in the long run, best case scenerio, they will follow the lead. Our role is not to expect what we are going to get from our spouse and/or our marriage, but to be the best wife or husband we can be to our spouse and do everything we can to make the M good for them. In doing that, we will hopefully get back what we put in.

[Evie]

doesn't H need to know that I can't live as friends?

If he wasn't at work tonight, i would be so tempted to tell him. I know if i gave an ultimatium tonight he would go and right now I want him out, I cannot and don't want to do this anymore. Friends and family say he is a w***er and they've all experienecd it at some point or another in their marriages. BUT they all have supportive H's who do talk and understand it's normal and that it will pass and are prepared to work through it. I'm struggling to see how you can move from living as friends to something more?

Thankyou for listening

[RedHeadWife]

I guess I would just say make sure you mean it when you say that you want him out.

[cat03]

I second what Red said, unless you understand fully what will the consecuences be of be of telling him to leave, dont', if you are giving him the ultimatum to tell get a raise/emotion out of him it won't work, he is not on the right frame of mind yet.
If I tell my H right now to either behave like a "normal" H or leave he'd have to leave because my H is in no shape to give me what I need, it is MY choice to stay and wait out the storm because I believe, hope, that the good man he is inside will emerge.

I'm struggling to see how you can move from living as friends to something more?

That's how most of this board started on their piecing path, we must begin to know each other again, we learn to accept this new person, we've all changed lots since we married, so we need to adjust our expectations to what is happening now, not to some ideal we had when we were newlywed and all was rosy and problem-free.

What happened to make you want to unload? Was it after H was quite cruel when he offloaded? Did you see his T?

The rock bottom cycle happens to all of us, here and there, it's an emotional cleansing. My H is not cruel with me now, he was cruel durign the A with his lies and deceptions. Have not seen his T yet, I dont' think he is ready and now I have renew energy to let him be, I have given myself until Christmas to reasses the sitch, and see if there have been improvements in our sitch, and I'll go from there, onward, as long as I see baby steps.

I don't even want to talk to him and i have reverted back to ignoring him and i shall distance myself again, even further.

You dont' see inmediate results so you despair and go back to the cheeseless tunnel which will lead you nowhere, or as you said, further away from your goal of keeping your M. It sure hurts to live with someone who acts like an alien, but dont' let HIM dictate how you will act, detach from his behavior. If your M heads down separation it wont' be because you couldnt/wouldnt wait or were unable to let him heal on his own.

I'd like to know what he says to your note.