All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

Thanks Grace that helped tremendously.

I know what you mean about breathing and walking, its sometimes hard to even breath evenly. I must be really stressed as i'm losing a lot of hair. (looked it up on internet, it says its due to stress, is normal and will get better with time).

I do need to set new goals, The original goals i set were about improving me. But now i need to look at R goals, not feeling so positive about those or really were to start with something realistic or achievable. What were your goals G?

I have woken up this morning it is now 9.00 am and I feel at rock bottom. I want to say to H, 'are we living as friends like I said I wanted to? because it's not working for me, I want you to stay and try to work at this M or I think it may be best if you leave. I see more of friends than I do of you and I actually get more support and affection from my friends than I do of you. I know you have plans (someone once said he will always have a plan)it hurts me that you haven't talked to me about it. You can hardly sit in the same room as me. I need more from this R, I want some affection every now and then'. I know thats giving him the ultimatium and its likely to push him further away. Were not even friends we're more like flatmates. Any thoughts???

He has a cold atm (man flu) that may account for him not wanting to go out with me and for his early bath and bed. But why doesn't he just say 'i'm not feeling well' instead of leaving me to second guess his behaviour. I know I take things to personally, but when I feel insecure, this is one of my negative traits I have. I know if i started to do my own things then he will as well and then we'll be living seperate lifes but co-habiting.......I don't want that, he's the one creating all the mystery and doing 180's. It's like revised pyshcology.

Grace I love to walk too, I walk to work and back again and I do most of thinking then. As for knowing what I want from my life, thats a tough one, I've never really known. I got into an early marriage, had kids in my early 20s, divorce, straight into this R, more kids, 2 jobs, it doesn't leave much time for thinking and making plans for the future. I'm not that highly motivatd i'm afraid. All my energies have gone into building the business up and my demanding job ( istay b/c my boss although v. demanding is extremely flexible with me time, he allow me to work 7 - 3pm, so that I can pick up s's from school)

I am enjoying venting on here, its becoming addictive and an inspiration!

I'm off to the gym in a bit, I hope it makes me feel a whole lot better and mayv=be help to stop me saying something i'll regret later.

Have a great day.

XD