Rollar Coasters are no longer fun

[Amy]

Well I guess I should clarify something that I haven't told you all. This is baby number 8. He has two children from a prior marriage that I do most all the work to communicate and take care of. His Xwife and I are very close. This is the second time he has done this. This is baby number 8!!!!!!!



I am so ticked at him right now. It is the first time I have gotten ticked. I sent him an email I may regret but boy did it feel good to write. Here is what I sent. Sorry for the length but thanks in advance for your opinions.




The last few days, weeks, months have been a roller coaster for me that I can not longer ride. I can not do the ups and the downs. The I love yous and I don't love yous. I am coming back and I am not coming back anymore. I am finished. I am truly finished. I really love you. Way more than is even healthy for me but I can no longer go on like this. What I have learned is that while loving you I have stopped loving myself. I have no self respect. I am embarrassed of myself. I can no longer be the other woman in my own marriage. I can not live with you out making babies with someone else and choosing her and that baby over me and your own children. You say that you didn't leave the children but Joey that is a cop out. Marriage is forever and when someone leaves a marriage they leave their family. Any way you want to look at it to make it easier on you is fine but you did leave them. You left all of us. Your own selfish desires for self gratification, sexual pleasure, and shear not wanting responsibility caused you to abandon your family which includes a wife and five absolutely beautiful children that love you so much. I would put money on the fact that within the next 8 years you will do the same to Lynne and God only hopes you stop having children by then because what kind of life are any of them going to have with a dad that bails on them like you do.

I am backing out. I will not ask you back again. I will not fight for you. I will do my best to not call you. I will let you live the life you want with Lynne and this baby if there is one and if it is yours. You have repeated history again and instead of breaking the cycle you have chosen to continue it. You have done to this family the same thing you did to Lisa and those kids but this time it is worse because you have put your children through the verbal abuse of saying you will come back and then the next day calling them liars by saying you didn't say it. I do nothing but tell them how you love them and how you are sick but honestly at this point you are using your bipolar as a crutch and I choose to not enable you anymore. Your illness messes with your heart, mind, and feelings but at some point you have to grow up and you have to decide what is morally right and you have to work on it to fix it. You know what you are doing is wrong. You told me you know it is. On judgement day you will have to answer for that and until then I hope you when you go to bed each night having missed out on the ball games, the laughter, the first girlfriends and boyfriends, prom night, music concerts, the homework, the hugs, and the kisses you can live with your decision. I hope each time you sleep with her and put your arms around her you think of the little pattering feet that run into our bed and jump in during the middle of the night that you have chosed to give up. Am I saying that to guilt you? You bet your butt I am because if you live one day without guilt you are not the father I think you are. You should be sick with guilt. You should be torn up in side. You can say I am not a Christian but God says to confront a sinner and the problem with all of this is that everyone is so worried about fragile Joey they don't let him know the cold hard facts. It is your duty to God and your family to work on your current family. It is your duty to your children to be here with them. You know what you have done and yet you are enjoying the self gratification that you are getting out of this other woman so much so that you have destroyed your children's lives. I hope that you can look in the mirror each day know what you have done. I hope that when you see them grow up in photos and your visits here and there you will understand that you made that choice.

You have made these choices not me, not your parents, no one but you. We could have worked it out. You NEVER gave me the benifit of counseling. You refused therapy. You did nothing to work things out with us you just QUIT! YOU QUIT ME AND YOU QUIT YOUR KIDS! Joey in our relationship/marriage I have supported you through Sonia, Martha, Tunvee, Charity, and Lynne and Until now I have always been willing to take you back overlook and forgive you.

Today was the end though for me. When you promised our children last night you would be coming back and then today called them liars. If you want to attack, belittle, and physically and mentally hurt me that is one thing but when you do it to my babies well that's where I draw the line. They deserve better than to be drug through your self pity, dramatic, and psychotic episodes. You wonder why I left XXX state and that is because you did this to them on a weekly basis. You continuously told them you were coming back and then lashed out at me in anger. You left the state to go on a vacation with your girlfriend over seeing your children for their visitation weekend. You LIED about it to me and them and just didn't show up. IT IS SO SICK!!!! What is even more sick is that I was going to forgive you again.

Which brings me to my next point. Why do you always take your nastiness and anger out on me. I am the one that sits there beside you and loves you beyond anything. I am the one that accepts you and all of your faults and was still willing to love you beyond each of them. I was willing to work two jobs to support you let you do what you want take care of you but you choose Lynne over me... the kids... our family... and your vows to God. You completely have destroyed us. You dumped your children for this other woman. You threw them out like yesterdays trash. You have destroyed Andrew and Austin and the girls are hurting also. You make me sick how you cant keep your XXXX in your pants when any woman out there gives you a second glance. You have such little self confidence that someone gives you any attention and you are in their bed.

I am ready to let you out of this marriage. Please if you want out go ahead and file for divorce I will not try to stop you. I will be doing whatever necessary to let you out of thei marriage and yet make sure I am financially able to take care of the kids on my own. I know that if they get they same attention as your oldest son and daughter have from you they will never hear from you so I will need to do what I can to be both mom and dad until we find someone that enters our life (hopefully as loving as Eddie has been to Joely and Wesley) and then I will be able to give the children the real family they deserve. You see Joey with you I loved you so much I didn't even look at all the pain.. all the hurt.. and all the lack of being there that I went through. How many times did you help with homework? How many baths did you help with? How many times did you help me with anything to do with them? You sat, played your computer, ran around with other women, and neglected all of us. And even through that I was dumb enough to stand there and take it all. I finally woke up today. For God's sake if she is so important that you are crazy enough to jump out of a moving car on the interstate to get to her then go to her and leave me and these kids alone. Stop hurting them by making false promises. Stop making them cry. You made your choice so live with it but STOP hurting us please.

I want someone that does the following for me. I want someone that is mature, self motivated, and emotionally secure. I want someone to be my friend and companion. I don't need gifts, money, or material things to make me happy. You know this because you sure never did any of that for me and I still loved you. I am looking for someone that is secure enough with his own identity to handle my strong personality. I am determined, controlling, and strong willed and I know that. While I like to get my way I want to find someone tough enough to stand up to me and yet gentle enough to know when to give in. You see you blamed me for all of these things but you never stood up. You never tried. You just quit your family. You could never make the smallest decision and when I did you just turned around and called me controlling. You forced my hand because if I didnt do it it didn't get done. I have been the one that has totally cared for your son and daughter and you are a freaking liar by telling xwife you asked me to pick things up for them. 99% of the time you didn't even know what I sent to them and the other 1% I had to beg you to sign a card to them so it had your handwriting and I still have some in a box I addressed and put stamps on you never bothered to sign. Stop freaking lying. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN THERE FOR THEM. You walked out on xwife and said here ya go xwife you have 2 kids raise them on your own and now You just walked out and said here ya go Amy raise 5 kids on your own. I am out of this marriage because you didn't treat me 100% perfectly. I need what makes me happy and to hell with what makes you or the kids happy. I am sick and I have bipolar so I just can't be here anymore. Stop using that as a crutch. I know so many people that are success stories because THEY STOPPED THEIR PITY PARTIES AND MADE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!! GROW UP!!!! You didnt want to kill yourself last night you wanted attention. You slashed your wrist multiple times so you could get some sympathy If you wanted to be dead you would have been so stop the child's play, grow up , and do something right for once. Stop making everyone around you scared to even speak to you.

If you think this letter is tough well you are darn right it is. I am sick of walking on eggshells. I am not asking you to come back again. I am not going to beg you or take care of you. You want to be on your own you are on your own. You want a divorce lets start living it. You need to pay me 800 per paycheck starting with the next one. This is what the courts said you will pay. You will have to figure it out how you will live from there. You are going to have about 600 per month after paying child support for 7 kids. I hope thats enough left for baby number 8. I will talk to you about your bills when you are ready to take them on but I will no longer sit here and be mentally abused and take care of your finances and be your secretary while you are sleeping with another woman. If everything you own gets repossesed that is your problem. I am sorry but I have more self respect than that. If you want your crap done for you then see how much OW will do for you. I think you will find real quick that I was one in a million when it comes to bailing you out.

You are either in or out and the time to decide is over. I am asking you to file for divorce this week. I will be moving on. I will start dating and find that special someone that can be what the kids and I need. A constant, someone to help with homework, attend ball games, and show the children their mother can be loved. Some to hold me when I am sad. Someone that allows me to have a bad day because he loves me enough to not make it all about him. I have never had that. I have never been truly loved and by golly I am ready for it. I have never been so sure or so content in my life. I know that God doesn't want divorce but God doesn't want someone to sit and be mentally and physically abused like I have been. What you are doing to the kids and i may not be physical abuse anymore but it is mental and that is so much worse. The mental scars take so much longer to heal. I don't know if some of what you have done will ever heal.

Our son is sitting and crying right now. He crys all day and night. He is broken and sad. He is in the counselors office at school everyday worried about his daddy. He keeps saying you promised you would come. YOU ARE KILLING OUR SON!!!!!!!

I am done now I am letting you go. I will leave you alone. You have proven what you want. You are in her arms while I am wiping our childrens tears. I am going to go cuddle and play with our five children and let them know that mommy is here nomatter what and you well you can just give OW that reassurance because that was your choice.

You have until Tuesday to file to give me one good reason why I shouldn't file myself on Wednesday and it better be a real qood reason. Because anything other than you walking through fire to save our marriage will not be accepted. I took and took and took the pain but you have now hurt our babies and that I where I draw the line. You know how to reach me so the ball is in your court. You have 3 days.

Amy