I'm still doing it

[nephartiti]

H left about an hour ago. Tood 6 hours to set up PC due to tech problems.

Here's the short version.

H was late as expected. I was at shoe store buying him shoes to match S2's. He wanted to know where I was

I had a backslide. I just couldn't hold it together. H said my dad, who was here, mentioned how upset I was when the Geek told me my PC was on its last leg. I got defensive and went off about money: I am on a fixed income now. I get 1/3 of your check to take care of all of us while you have 2/3's just for you. You will continue to get pay raises while our standard of living will continue to plumet. He looked hurt and concerned (wow) and asked if he should leave. I said no. "Do you want to talk about it?" (Do I believe my ears?) I said I just needed a few minutes. I was in tears. I went to the bathroom for a few and tried to regain, but I was having a hard time. I finished lunch, then had to take a few more minutes in the bedroom while changing diapers. I knew I had to pull it together.

I even brought up OW and how I missed his family. Do they like her? He said there is no OW.

I left to go exchange the shoes b/c I got the wrong size. When I came back, he was acting As IF, so I did too.

He started getting grumpy that the PC was taking all day to set up. I offered him dinner. He got defensive and said, what do you want me to stay the night? I repeated that I was offering dinner. H: "Fine" ME: "Do you want to stay the night?" H:"Fine" It wasn't pleasant. I apologized and told him I wasn't trying to force him into anything. I wanted to do something nice b/c he did something nice for me today.

H:"you did do something nice by welcoming me into your home"
Me: I still consider it "our" home.
H. Thank you. I didn't think that was the case anymore
Me: I miss you. I miss you company, your voice, your convo, your toothbrush in the bathroom, your clothes in the closet. I miss everything about you.
H: I miss the house too. I miss everyone too. (notice he did not just say 'kids') I have been thinking about coming home a lot. I want to come home, I just want to make sure things are going to go smoothly. I don't want me to pop or you to pop again.
Me: I want the same.

Then I mentioned Retrouvaille. He said that sounded good. There is one in Oct and Nov here. He said maybe Nov. (better than nothing, but I was hoping for Oct) I'm supposed to e-mail a link.

He said we just need to do a lot of talking. He did not stay for dinner. He said he was going "home". We both caught the reference. He corrected and said "where I sleep". H: "No it is not a home by any means. This is a home. This is a home."

I didn't push. We walked him out. He kissed the kids goodbye and told me we will talk some more. We need to keep talking.

He is supposed to come tomorrow or Sun to pick up the old PC to take to his brother's.

When should I send info on Retro? I think I should give a little space and let the dust settle. I will wait for him. Baby steps, right? I want him to want it, not feel pushed.

I broke sme rules today, but I think it went ok in the end.