I think if you Act As If, it is like imagining what kind of energy you would have if you were looking forward to seeing this man. How would you behave? Would you make the place look and smell nice? Would you be forgiving if he were a little late? Yes, of course. Dr. Kreidman says to Act Happy also. So does Homer MacDonald. Geez. I can't believe I have read all these self help books! I am such a sarcastic kind of chick!! But I guess it is human nature. Sometimes we treat guests and strangers better than our own spouses and loved ones, right? We take them for granted because we assume they wil always be there. Aha! Wrong assumption on our parts. Howzit going?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Sometimes we treat guests and strangers better than our own spouses and loved ones, right? We take them for granted because we assume they wil always be there.
GUILTY!!!!
And yes, mk, never thought I would read any self help books in my life. I can't put down "Not Just Friends" at the moment. I highly recommend it.
Neph, hope all is well. Give us an update when you can.
H left about an hour ago. Tood 6 hours to set up PC due to tech problems.
Here's the short version.
H was late as expected. I was at shoe store buying him shoes to match S2's. He wanted to know where I was
I had a backslide. I just couldn't hold it together. H said my dad, who was here, mentioned how upset I was when the Geek told me my PC was on its last leg. I got defensive and went off about money: I am on a fixed income now. I get 1/3 of your check to take care of all of us while you have 2/3's just for you. You will continue to get pay raises while our standard of living will continue to plumet. He looked hurt and concerned (wow) and asked if he should leave. I said no. "Do you want to talk about it?" (Do I believe my ears?) I said I just needed a few minutes. I was in tears. I went to the bathroom for a few and tried to regain, but I was having a hard time. I finished lunch, then had to take a few more minutes in the bedroom while changing diapers. I knew I had to pull it together.
I even brought up OW and how I missed his family. Do they like her? He said there is no OW.
I left to go exchange the shoes b/c I got the wrong size. When I came back, he was acting As IF, so I did too.
He started getting grumpy that the PC was taking all day to set up. I offered him dinner. He got defensive and said, what do you want me to stay the night? I repeated that I was offering dinner. H: "Fine" ME: "Do you want to stay the night?" H:"Fine" It wasn't pleasant. I apologized and told him I wasn't trying to force him into anything. I wanted to do something nice b/c he did something nice for me today.
H:"you did do something nice by welcoming me into your home" Me: I still consider it "our" home. H. Thank you. I didn't think that was the case anymore Me: I miss you. I miss you company, your voice, your convo, your toothbrush in the bathroom, your clothes in the closet. I miss everything about you. H: I miss the house too. I miss everyone too. (notice he did not just say 'kids') I have been thinking about coming home a lot. I want to come home, I just want to make sure things are going to go smoothly. I don't want me to pop or you to pop again. Me: I want the same.
Then I mentioned Retrouvaille. He said that sounded good. There is one in Oct and Nov here. He said maybe Nov. (better than nothing, but I was hoping for Oct) I'm supposed to e-mail a link.
He said we just need to do a lot of talking. He did not stay for dinner. He said he was going "home". We both caught the reference. He corrected and said "where I sleep". H: "No it is not a home by any means. This is a home. This is a home."
I didn't push. We walked him out. He kissed the kids goodbye and told me we will talk some more. We need to keep talking.
He is supposed to come tomorrow or Sun to pick up the old PC to take to his brother's.
When should I send info on Retro? I think I should give a little space and let the dust settle. I will wait for him. Baby steps, right? I want him to want it, not feel pushed.
I broke sme rules today, but I think it went ok in the end.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
He also questioned the Ken folder. First he just made point of naming it when naming a bunch of files he had transferred. I ignored it. Later he asked straight out who Ken was. I was vague, but, when pushed, was open and honest. He remembered me talking about him years ago. I guess he will also figure that he is the person who invited my to Tori in Santa Barbara. Yes I have a date. I agreed b/c 1. He is an old friend, relatively safe. 2. IT is Tori 3. IT is in December and I figured, if things aren't better with H by then, maybe I should date.
Anyway, I will cancel in a heartbeat if H keeps moving forward with me.
Have to feed the kiddos. I'll be back.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
I would send him the link and not mention it again. He really sounded receptive to working it out. I am so happy for you. Even though you were in tears (understandable by the way), you didn't really backslide, you told him things that you had to say. You didn't beg him to come home, beg him to stay, beg him to do anything. You 'stated' things, that's perfect. We all have to R talk once in awhile and would be in even worse limbo if we didn't.
Oh, yeah. He was wearing his sandals and his feet were so dry and calloused I asked if they hurt. He said no, not really. He let me rub shea butter and use the pumice stone on his feet. He said, "I should come here more often." I said, "Yes, you should."
When he was leaving, I was holding both S2 and D. He hugged us all. He had his hand on my arm. I almost thought he was going to kiss me, but alas he did not
I know I can't get too excited. Tomorrow he may hate me again.
COOL CALM PEACE DARK PATIENCE
I'm sure OW is going to give him an earful for being so late
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
I know I can't get too excited. Tomorrow he may hate me again.
Isn't it amazing that we have to be prepared for this? UGH But you are right, we never know what's coming our way. I think this was a good day. Did his phone ring at all when he was there?
