"My W never acknowledged it, but I know she received it. I mailed it to her in Louisiana and it was in her purse (I saw it when getting the checkbook out after she returned -- note, a legitimate reason, at the time, to enter W's purse). Made me feel good to know that she at least didn't crumple it up and toss it."
OK. Suppose you send a birthday card to your best friend. How weird would it be not for your friend to acknowledge it? To be happy that your friend didn't toss it? To not even be in a position to ask your friend if you liked the card?
Heim's card confirmed to his W just how far apart they are on what they want and pushed her away. That is why he got no response. A gift that is welcomed is received and acknowledged.
If you have to agonize over a gift/card for anyone on any occassion this much, it is probably inappropriate for the R at issue.
If you get her a card, you will be pursuing W and pushing her away. A card is NOT going to be the magic bullit. Not sending her a card might actually get her attention a bit. She might feel a bit of a pang. She might even have a chance to miss you a little bit. Of course, if you want to prevent her from having that opportunity, a card is definitely the answer.
And, I expect if you ask most veterans who have been around here for years, they would pretty much all agree as to the, at best, pointlessness of the card/gift thing for a WAS, and at worst its destructiveness to your sitch.
Even Heim's carefully non-pursuing card was pursuing. The "Regardless of what happens..." shouts that he is still holding onto the M and at the same time throws guilt darts in her face. The overthought non-anniversary Anniversary card blares to his W how much he agonized over it.
Anyway, all the newcomers go through endless agonized turmoil about this issue. The existence of that turmoil itself should suffice to show that the card/gift is not appropriate.
