CVA - thin PJ's & Massages

[not an ex yet]

I vote for the card as well. Just keep it simple would be my only advice.

[Heimlich]

If you go card, I would go generic card because every anniversary card you'll look at will just make you sad and/or pissed off at what you no longer share with your W. What I did was get a blank card with a cute picture on it (hedgehog, hey, I liked it) and put something like "Regardless of what happens, thanks for the laughter, memory and love for the past 12 years."

My W never acknowledged it, but I know she received it. I mailed it to her in Louisiana and it was in her purse (I saw it when getting the checkbook out after she returned -- note, a legitimate reason, at the time, to enter W's purse). Made me feel good to know that she at least didn't crumple it up and toss it. Neither of us have ever said anything about it.

BD

[chicki]

IMO, I think getting nothing might be a bad idea. Us women are for the most part are emotional & romantic beings.
It doosnt matter that she's wanting to be romantically invovled w/ you right now.

Even the MLC forum veterans will tell you that these WAS have moments of clearity & they do go back & reminisnce w/ past cards, gifts & pictures. Make sure she has good memories to look back on this anniversary.

[oldtimer]

"It doosnt matter that she's wanting to be romantically invovled w/ you right now. "

Yes, it does.

[oldtimer]

"My W never acknowledged it, but I know she received it. I mailed it to her in Louisiana and it was in her purse (I saw it when getting the checkbook out after she returned -- note, a legitimate reason, at the time, to enter W's purse). Made me feel good to know that she at least didn't crumple it up and toss it."

OK. Suppose you send a birthday card to your best friend. How weird would it be not for your friend to acknowledge it? To be happy that your friend didn't toss it? To not even be in a position to ask your friend if you liked the card?

Heim's card confirmed to his W just how far apart they are on what they want and pushed her away. That is why he got no response. A gift that is welcomed is received and acknowledged.

If you have to agonize over a gift/card for anyone on any occassion this much, it is probably inappropriate for the R at issue.

If you get her a card, you will be pursuing W and pushing her away. A card is NOT going to be the magic bullit. Not sending her a card might actually get her attention a bit. She might feel a bit of a pang. She might even have a chance to miss you a little bit. Of course, if you want to prevent her from having that opportunity, a card is definitely the answer.

And, I expect if you ask most veterans who have been around here for years, they would pretty much all agree as to the, at best, pointlessness of the card/gift thing for a WAS, and at worst its destructiveness to your sitch.

Even Heim's carefully non-pursuing card was pursuing. The "Regardless of what happens..." shouts that he is still holding onto the M and at the same time throws guilt darts in her face. The overthought non-anniversary Anniversary card blares to his W how much he agonized over it.

Anyway, all the newcomers go through endless agonized turmoil about this issue. The existence of that turmoil itself should suffice to show that the card/gift is not appropriate.

[NikB]

OT - I know this advice wasn't to me but it is EXACTLY what I needed to read today. Thanks. My anniversary is tomorrow and "bombiversary" is Sunday, and I have been agonizing over a card for weeks (for the anniversary, not for the other!). Yes I'm technically "Piecing" but our M is nowhere near a good one for either of us right now. So it's an excellent reminder. I'm at a point of not even wanting the day to be recognized or special at all. Even if we stay M'd I think I will want to choose a NEW date to celebrate.

CVA - sorry for the brief hijack. I haven't read your whole sitch but unless your W has recommitted to your M, I agree with OT. What kind of card could you possibly get that would do anything GOOD in your sitch?

Mushy card or generic card with mushy reminiscing: pursuit - chases her away

Generic card: reminds her how totally messed up your M is right now

Funny card (or really, ANY card): looks like you are totally dismissing her feelings

... any card types that I missed??

[chicki]

For my H's bday I got him a funny "voice" card w/ Steve? from The Office. I didnt even write anything on it or sign it b/c up until the very last minute I didnt want to give it to him. We were still seperated so, I evevn though H said he wanted to come by on his bday to see his girls ,but I didnt want to see him for it hurt too much to think OW was prolly gonna give him a party.So, I told him I wouldnt be home and I had plans to come by the next day.

I got him cute cards from each of the girls.
When he came by he was very sad that none of us had at least phonesd him a bday. Or that he didnt get at least an email card (he was use to getting those from me). H was teaery when boohooing of this. Thas is when I fwelt guilty & gave him my card. His eyes lit up!!!

I dont know about your W,but my H gets emoitional about these things....

[Heimlich]

A quick note: historically I had been bad with acknowledging anniversaries/bdays/valentine's day/etc., so, in my mind, the card was a 180 to see what kind of response I would get. If I had it to do over, I'd lean to not sending one, but, and I generally don't disagree with you OT, in my sitch, at the time, I don't think it was the wrong thing to do.

[Not Much Left]

Thanks all
As usual OT, your advice is laser precise and well put

Thanks so much
C

[NikB]

When he came by he was very sad that none of us had at least phonesd him a bday. Or that he didnt get at least an email card (he was use to getting those from me). H was teaery when boohooing of this. Thas is when I fwelt guilty & gave him my card. His eyes lit up!!!

I dont know about your W,but my H gets emoitional about these things....

While it's great that his eyes lit up and he appreciated it, my argument on the flip side would be - if he's not your H, how long are you going to keep giving him cards as his W?

I think NOT getting a card from you would have been a much better reality check. Instead he got his party with OW AND a card from his W who's still hanging on. What a deal...