Here we go 'round in circles...

[SDFoundGirl]

You would not like me in your class. I was a TERROR in my younger days.

I was the kid sticking things is Jenny's hair.

Actually, Jeff, you're the kind of kid I love most. I love my tough kids the best. Why? They aren't hoop jumpers. They don't buy into a broken system. And it's those kids who have taught me the most about the type of teacher kids need.

I worked in a 95% free/reduced lunch school in the inner city for years, and I LOVED it. I left because of the adults, not the children. Never, never the kids.

Your teachers needed to get you up and moving, give you something more productive to do with your hands. They needed to help you hook into the curriculum in some way--whether it was bringing the content to you or just developing a positive relationship with you so you'd do anything for them just because they liked and respected you.

Sorry to ramble...I see so many kids labeled and tossed aside because some of my colleagues find it easier to blame the kids instead of looking at their own practices.

Thanks for stopping in y'all. I'm doing better all in all. Kept myself good and busy this weekend, have my class tonight, life is good.

SD

[Jeff223]

Your teachers needed to get you up and moving, give you something more productive to do with your hands. They needed to help you hook into the curriculum in some way--

You know this is interesting b/c I read an editorial in the Sunday paper about the "No Child Left Behind" initiative. No, I will not talk politics, but the author made a good point that sometimes teachers now have to "slow down" too much to get all the kids to catch up. But slowing down means the gifted kids get slowed also and the gifted kids are already bored out of their minds. The author stated that most of the time the gifted kids are the "terrors" in the class simply due to this boredom.

I bet it is hard to "hook them into the curriculum" as you say. But thanks for trying. And it must be all the more difficult with so many parents who think *junior* is perfection and does no wrong. It is the lazy teacher after all, not their kids. When I was coming up I was told by my parents that education starts and ends at home. I think some of today's parents (a small number I hope but I have my doubts) have not learned that - or choose to ignore it.

Yes I was a *gifted*. Cute too. Yes you would have loved me

[SDFoundGirl]

I am a MLC freak myself. Or, well, Freak-ish.

We had MC today for the first time in about a month. Had to cancel b/c of H's work the last time.

I find myself wondering if this is all there is. If I'm doomed to a life of no passion and, more importantly, no child. We're still in MC, and, well, at 38, let's face it, the clock is ticking. And I don't just want to get knocked with H because it's convenient. This is a lifetime commitment. So I kind of feel like just cutting my losses and finding a good old sperm donor.

Crazy? Yeppers. At least I know it for what it is. Brought up the not meeting my needs doesn't seem to care convo in MC tonight. Bawled like a baby. See some progress in H, but not much. Work is always the excuse. And I wonder if I'm destined to a life of no passion because I screwed up and made a bad choice in partners. Wonder if I could manage to have an R on the side to meet that particular need...and again, I know that's crazy and foggy thinking. Real though.

Just journaling here...no crisis, no plans, just acknowledging how I feel. I want more.

SD

[Concerned_Listener]

SDFGirl,
I hope the therapist didn't let your H get away with the work excuse. You deserve connection in your M.

What kind of work does he do? Is he spending too much time there? How does he make a connection between work and his failure to connect in the M?

CL

[Rob1231]

Hey SD, I think everybody faces Mid-Life issues - and not just once at the middle, either. One of my large pile of self help books (Passionate Marriage, maybe?) talked about our lives going in a never-ending cycle, where:
- we exist in a comfort zone,
- then feel the need to grow,
- then the need gets so pressing that we overcome our anxieties about change,
- then we stretch and push our boundaries and grow,
- then we feel satisfied with the changes and settle down into a new, hopefully "bigger", comfort zone.

When a person handles this well, it's called personal growth and achievement. When it's not handled well, it's often called MLC or going just plain totally nuts.

The problem in a R is that the two partners often don't hit the "I need personal growth" part of the cycle at the same time. That sort of explains how we end up getting bombed - our spouse hits the growth stage while we sit complacently in the comfort zone, and our spouse sees us as holding them back... BLAMO!

I kinda see this pattern in your posts. You're still in that "growing" stage, and the next area of growth you are yearning for is to be a parent. Totally understandable (and you will be one of the Great Moms of All Time, I have no doubt of that.)

OTOH, your H seems to have taken an attitude of "Oh, great, the crisis is over" and is slipping back into a comfort zone that you find confining and unfulfilling.

I would like to suggest two things. First, recognize that you aren't done growing yet, and remember that the personal growth is first and foremost about YOU. Don't get sucked into the trap of thinking in terms of H holding you back. That just goes back to the ol' DBer Principles, right?

Second, that doesn't mean that H gets to sit on his butt. Or, I should say, he can't do that and expect you to be there forever. You've already dropped the bomb on the boy, and it seemed like he was starting to get off the dime. What happened? Did the numbing drugs of comfort zone suck him back in? Did he talk himself out of taking any action? Did he decide you weren't really serious? WTF? Personally, I suspect your H is "salvageable" - just based on the fact that I myself was firmly entrenched in my comfort zone before the bomb, and look at how great I turned out! But, it ain't gonna happen unless he steps up to the plate. Give him the chance to do that, but keep the pressure on, don't let him backslide, don't let him off the hook. Remind him his future with you is at stake, and YOU MEAN BUSINESS.

[Rob1231]

P.S. I almost volunteered to come be your willing love slave sperm donor, then I remembered - D'OH! FRICKIN' VASECTOMY!!!

[inspiredjulie]

(((SD)))

Reading your post... I see myself... where I could have been in piecing had I made it to piecing. So your comment about making a bad choice resonated with me.

I just think you're wonderful. And things are going to turn for you, you just need to get thru this valley. Keep being you, and thanks for being you.

Julie...

Oh, and Rob... LMFAO!

[Jen_Jam]

on 28th Sept your H was handing out the hugs.

Fast forward a few days and your needs aren't getting met.

SD - I'm confused. And if I am you must be too!!!

What's the deal. What is getting you so down? Step back and have a look at the WHOLE big picture, not just you and H.

Once you are clearer in your head of what your goal is, then sit down with H and yes if it really needs it give him the cue cards!!! (I might steal that idea for my H).

So - in piecing goal setting can still be hugely beneficial. (In fact, I've taken goal setting into every part of my life now).

What are your goals?

[SDFoundGirl]

SDFGirl,
I hope the therapist didn't let your H get away with the work excuse. You deserve connection in your M.

What kind of work does he do? Is he spending too much time there? How does he make a connection between work and his failure to connect in the M?
CL

Hi CL--

No, she definitely didn't let him get away with anything on that front. She asked him if he saw how his job was affecting not just him, but me and the R. H does have a bit of a problem focusing on more than one thing at a time, but I guess I think that should be our R.

He works for a nonprofit which means long hours and way too much work. It's their super busy season, so H comes home and just wants to turn off. I totally understand that and support it...to a point. Take an hour or so to yourself to mess around and do something to help you wind down. I do that myself, and I think it's really healthy. However, at some point you have to set work aside and put your attention on what's important, on what could, potentially, be a really positive thing.

He's just not getting it that if he's not filling my love tank, I am shutting down physically and emotionally. Do I want that? No. But it's happening all the same.

We'll see what happens. I hope he does what he needs to do before I am just plain done.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

I would like to suggest two things. First, recognize that you aren't done growing yet, and remember that the personal growth is first and foremost about YOU. Don't get sucked into the trap of thinking in terms of H holding you back. That just goes back to the ol' DBer Principles, right?

Second, that doesn't mean that H gets to sit on his butt. Or, I should say, he can't do that and expect you to be there forever. You've already dropped the bomb on the boy, and it seemed like he was starting to get off the dime. What happened? Did the numbing drugs of comfort zone suck him back in? Did he talk himself out of taking any action? Did he decide you weren't really serious? WTF?

Thanks, Rob. I suspect all you state here is correct. Honestly, the big thing I've realized I really, really want is a great sex life, and we've never had that. It's not bad, but it's, well, predictable and almost made for TV's Leave It to Beaver. Our MC told us yesterday that couples in their 70's are still having sex 3x a week, which is the average for most people. We aren't even close...and a lot of it has to do with me not having my love tank filled. In the past, neither of us had our love tanks filled.

So, H is getting what he wants emotionally, so now he's more interested in ML. But, though I want to ML too, my body and mind are shutting down and saying NO WAY.

For women, passion and ML begin outside of the bedroom. We can't be friendly, platonic people outside of the bedroom and then flip the passion switch. At least I don't work like that.

So, H woke me up with the bomb, and once I woke up I noticed this huge, gaping hole in our R, and now I'm on my personal growth journey to add this to my life.

I don't know what his deal is. He says he cares, he says he wants to, but he says work distracts him and he can't multi-task. And then I feel like dung and unimportant and insignificant and undesirable...and I wonder why I would stay with someone who values me so little.

I do think he's salvageable as you said...but I can't change him. The MC called bullsh*t on his excuses yesterday and gave him an assignment to read a book about what women need in order to feel ready to ML. She told him his job was impacting our M, and he agreed.

But I've heard the tale of I'm gonna find another job a thousand times now.

So, I'm going to keep working on me and see what happens in the meantime. But I'm tired, and the truth is, I'd prefer to spend time with my friends at this point then spend time with him. It's a drain, and there's very little payoff for me.

SD