Here we go 'round in circles...

[Rob1231]

Hey SD, I think everybody faces Mid-Life issues - and not just once at the middle, either. One of my large pile of self help books (Passionate Marriage, maybe?) talked about our lives going in a never-ending cycle, where:
- we exist in a comfort zone,
- then feel the need to grow,
- then the need gets so pressing that we overcome our anxieties about change,
- then we stretch and push our boundaries and grow,
- then we feel satisfied with the changes and settle down into a new, hopefully "bigger", comfort zone.

When a person handles this well, it's called personal growth and achievement. When it's not handled well, it's often called MLC or going just plain totally nuts.

The problem in a R is that the two partners often don't hit the "I need personal growth" part of the cycle at the same time. That sort of explains how we end up getting bombed - our spouse hits the growth stage while we sit complacently in the comfort zone, and our spouse sees us as holding them back... BLAMO!

I kinda see this pattern in your posts. You're still in that "growing" stage, and the next area of growth you are yearning for is to be a parent. Totally understandable (and you will be one of the Great Moms of All Time, I have no doubt of that.)

OTOH, your H seems to have taken an attitude of "Oh, great, the crisis is over" and is slipping back into a comfort zone that you find confining and unfulfilling.

I would like to suggest two things. First, recognize that you aren't done growing yet, and remember that the personal growth is first and foremost about YOU. Don't get sucked into the trap of thinking in terms of H holding you back. That just goes back to the ol' DBer Principles, right?

Second, that doesn't mean that H gets to sit on his butt. Or, I should say, he can't do that and expect you to be there forever. You've already dropped the bomb on the boy, and it seemed like he was starting to get off the dime. What happened? Did the numbing drugs of comfort zone suck him back in? Did he talk himself out of taking any action? Did he decide you weren't really serious? WTF? Personally, I suspect your H is "salvageable" - just based on the fact that I myself was firmly entrenched in my comfort zone before the bomb, and look at how great I turned out! But, it ain't gonna happen unless he steps up to the plate. Give him the chance to do that, but keep the pressure on, don't let him backslide, don't let him off the hook. Remind him his future with you is at stake, and YOU MEAN BUSINESS.