Weird night.

xh got extremely triggered. It's been a few months since I've seen him so worked up--which, actually, is progress for him.

I was asleep in bed with the baby when he came in. I had been helping xh with his paper, but needed to put the baby to bed. Not unusual, I had fallen asleep in the process.

He leans over me, said something I don't remember. Then he asked if we could go back to my place to sleep--said it was only midnight. I reached out, and could feel the tension in his shoulders.

I was confused, but asked him why. He said he was feeling jumpy. I asked him if he knew why. He said no. I asked him if he was sure, since he usually feels better in his own 'territory'. He just insisted we go to my place for the rest of the night. (This is one of the huge reasons I prefer us having separate places!)

So we went back to my apartment. (It's literally five minutes away.) He asked on the walk in if I was mad. I said no. He said it must take a lot of patience. I said that I was just a patient person. We went in, and I just went back to sleep.

xh was still jumpy this morning. He said he only slept a couple of hours. He also said he usually feels better when he can sleep--the problem is going to sleep once he's in that state. I told him that would be a good time to use medication, if he was still considering it.

He joked we should have sex to calm him down. I was confused...asked him didn't that usually make it worse? He laughed, said it did. I try to not take those back-and-forth sex conversations too hard. I'm sure the internal struggle is actually much worse for him.

This morning on the drive to work I sent him a text with a bunch of smileys, and said that it was my turn to cheer him up. If he had gone back to sleep, I didn't want to wake him.

Other miscellaneous thoughts from the last day...

I think I've been holding onto more resentment that I realized. \:\/ I keep catching myself while listening to the radio thinking "Gee, my xh would never do that for me." Which isn't entirely fair. He can be very, very supportive and helpful. (When he's not got the crazy switch flipped.)

I also feel strangely embarrassed that I'm still attached and still even interested in him. I keep thinking he's going to 'get it', and then I think he has...and then a year or two later, we're in an even deeper hole. Which makes me think it's one of two things. One, I'm still playing the same part and haven't learned. (Which seems to be partially true, after peeking at my old threads.) Two, he's never going to get it, and we'll just keep going this.

Which I don't entirely believe. This last go-round, he wasn't spitting hateful bile my direction. Actually, I was the one spitting venom. (Hey, never cross a pregnant lady...)

The other thing that's bothering me. xh wants to have his big party for the baby. I don't. I just wanted a nice quiet day, maybe do something fun with the kiddo. He has already invited a bunch of people. I am concerned it will be overwhelming for the baby. In addition, I feel like it's xh's party, not a party for the baby. I am afraid this will turn into a silly power struggle, which I don't want. I told him once I feel extremely uncomfortable, and thought about not going, because is seems like his party instead of the baby's. He got mad, and said something like "You don't even want to go to your son's first birthday part?"

Ugh. I don't want to make it about me and my discomfort, but I'm not sure how to handle it. My closest friend here, D, can't get the day off of work. He told me I could invite people, but I'm just feeling incredibly out of my element and uncomfortable with the whole thing. I have this annoying fear--despite what he says--that I somehow come across as the crazy.

I know, I know, it would be my chance to shine, and blah blah blah. And maybe I could handle it if I knew anyone who he has already invited. Or there weren't so many. But I'm feeling very, very overwhelmed at the prospect of it all.

Azhira

my confusion