Things are good. I can't believe it is October already. This has been a good year for me so far, even with all of the pain and disappointments I've witnessed and lived. I am so thankful for these boards and the good people I have met on here. It's made a big difference for me, for sure. I don't know where I'd be, or how I might be feeling on a daily basis, if I hadn't stuck with the boards this time. Life is good, and it's only going to improve.
As far as my sitch goes.... I've been doing my daily Morning Pages (journaling) regularly, and much of the last few weeks of that has been spent trying to get clear and focused on what I want now. What I know... I am not done. Not yet. But I'm feeling like I'll have to end this M. I still don't feel like I have done all that I can, but close. I am ready for change. I am not holding on to the M, or the H I had. I still believe in him, though I cannot rely on him. I know what I deserve in my life.
For the last few weeks I have been wondering whether I have it in me to pull the trigger. After telling H I am done 3 weeks ago, this is where my head has been. After all, I dropped that bomb on him. Wondering whether I should bother talking to him, or if that is just more talk and no action. Like my C said, there isn't anything I can tell H that he doesn't already know. I think I'm trying to see the forest for the trees.
He has tried to put his "hooks" back in me. That's just showed me what a difference there is in the dynamics of this R because of where I am at. He can't play me any longer. Where I would really like to be is on the same level with someone, as partners of the same team. But I think it takes two wanting the same thing.
Last week, 2 days after H called just to say hi and drop the ol' ILY yet again, I called him up and asked him to meet with me... and he quickly agreed. We were going to meet this Tuesday, but he said he had the flu. We are now going to meet today, after I followed through to make it happen. He admitted to me last night on the phone that he has "been putting it off". He said he's been really emotional, and was concerned that he wasn't up for it. Said that everything was making him want to cry, even just tv. (I realize what a big step this *could* be. I didn't sense any games going on with him. He seemed genuinely nervous. Maybe there is hope he will hit his rock bottom one of these days.) I let him know I understand that feeling, and I know it's tough. I told him the fact he was feeling so emotional said to me that he is alive and human though, and that is good. He responded to that by saying "how appropriate". I told him it was nice to see that change in him, and attempted to have him elaborate on his comment. He didn't seem comfortable sharing his feelings, it's just clear he is struggling some. From what all exactly, who knows.
I am sort of going with my gut, but I've been preparing for this for many days and I know I'll make it productive. Will be meeting him in a couple hours. As I said to H to calm his fear of meeting, all is not going to be resolved in one meeting. I will be a good listener and just talk openly. I'm sorry that this isn't what he wanted. I wish we both wanted the same thing. It's not doing either of us any favors to stay in this limbo.
Thanks for reading. I'll report back later. Love you guys!!
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
