we had counseling tonight. I gave in, pulled a 180 and agreed to move out and give her space. she is so stubborn and can only see her needs right now. she cannot see what her life could potentially be in three months. I honestly think our marriage is over, because even if her feelings changed, I don't think she could face all her friends and family and admit it. that would show weakness in her eyes.
update...not much has seemed to change. still getting the "I have felt this way for a very long time" line. I am going away tomorrow for the weekend. I think shes excited for that. she is curious about where I'm going, but I don't think it means much. shes still on her world tour hooking up with all her different friends everyday. I sent her an email yesterday that I think stirred her up a bit. not sure what part it was but I know she was crying while talking w her friend last night. I aso think I caught her attention on a financial matter. shes not a very forward thinker, so these aspects I'm not sure shes weighed out yet. I don't know what this means. I think she feels like shes hurting me and the kids an it makes her feel guilty. why would she show feelings for hurting me if she didn't really love me? anyway, I just heard her on the phone w her friend. I think her friend (who is having m trouble) said something to the effect "I can't believe you're doing this"..her answer back was "aren't you jealous" all this is very tough as I feel her ultimate plan is the D, but to ease into it so its not so rough on the kids. maybe I should file tomorrow and end it.
here's another question...its my wifes bday next week. shes inved me to come to dinner w our kids and her sisters family. I don't think she can relax and have fun w me in her precence right now. bcause its her birthday I think she should enjoy herself so I think I should pass on the invite. I bet it will irritate her because I'm sure shell say she invited me for the kids benefit. I'd like to go because we aren't spending much time together right now, but it sort of feels awkward. any tips?
Odds are not much is gonna change real fast. This stuff is gonna take time. You are still sounding a bit confrontational in your posts, which is understandable but you have to lose that mindset if you want to improve your situation.
Originally Posted By: tostada
maybe I should file tomorrow and end it
You don't really want that do you? Try to keep those thoughts out of your head (yeah, easier said than done).
Your wife invited you to dinner for her birthday. She didn't have to. I would look at this as an opportunity to DB to the max. You can show off your 180s. I would absolutely go.
You have a week or so to work your DB magic up until then. Be cool as you can, no R talks, totally pleasant in the days leading up to the event. Try to be as relaxed and pleasant as possible at the dinner. If you were not friendly to her family in the past, try to be friendly. Smile a lot. Maybe manage the kids so she can eat and socialize without being pestered by kids. Be prepared...early in the process for me, we would go to an event like this. I would be "Mr. great husband/father", even her friends would comment on the changes. Wife would get two glasses of wine in her and on the way home she would say how it was all an act and she knew I was faking, it is all too little too late. The better I did, the more bile she would spew. Try not to drink at all. Once or twice I had just enough lubrication to start fighting back, huge mistake. The gains made that night were largely nullified. Be prepared for her possible negative reaction to your good work. It means you are getting to her. Just validate with your understanding of her being leary and let it rest. Or you can point out that every change has to start somewhere and then let it rest. Don't get lured into a pissing contest where you are tempted to point out your changes, or start using your logic to convince her to believe in your or to stay.
Try to look at every situation in the most positive light. Almost everytime I thought about giving up, that was when the next crumb of hope came my way. Had I been positive and upbeat the whole time, we could maybe be 2 months ahead of where we are now.
BTW, she is going to be stubborn and only concerned with her needs right now. Get used to it. She is hurting to the point she is considering breaking up her family. That is a lot of hurt. Try to think if you lost a leg. I bet you would only be thinking about your hurt and your needs at that time. And for a while into the future. As things improve, she will eventually start considering your needs again, but not until her leg heals...get it?
Keep working - keep posting.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Tostada, I've been reading through your thread and some of your sitch with W sounds similar to mine. Anyway I'm not here to give you any advice, you are already getting plenty of that. Just wanted to say someone else out her can relate to what you're going through and wishing you the best.
down and out...thanks for the advice. its really hard to pull back completely. I can't believe how challengingit is, but I know its correct. I don't think she will look positively at me until I totally detach and gal. this happened early in our relationship and it flipped as soon as I was able to do it and she came back. its so difficult to do right now as the way she acts makes you feel it won't flip back.
maube: how long have you been in your situation, has there been much change, and what's working for you?
tostada: I've been seperated from W since early July. I've spent a lot of time working on myself. My wife has noticed some of the changes and initially reacts negatively. I thought things were going okay, like your W, mine has a tendancy to make impluse decisions, and has been reestablishing a lot of old friendships. After a disagreement over money, she decided to file for divorce (haven't been served yet). I feel I have been pretty good about my DB efforts, but I tend to get down from not seeing any really progress. Anyway I just got out of a real negative rut after hearing she filed and seeing a lot of anger and hostility from her. I have been able to pick myself up again. I don't have a lot of interaction with the W so its really slow going - and patience is probably what I need the most work on. Anyway I'm at a point now where I am really trying to not focus on the R, be positive, work on myself and making sure my kids know I love them. I will say there has been a little progress - I have had some contact with my W this week and all has been civil if not pleasant. I think they say "Baby steps," right?
Today is my wifes bday. I was gone all weekend and when I returned, she did ask me about my weekend, what I did, etc. It sounded like she had a quiet weekend, so that's encouraging to hear she wasnt tearing it up all over town. I did get my wife a room at a nice hotel with a spa and a spa credit. I hope she will enjoy that. Also got her a couple small gifts and cards from the kids. We did have a nice 'family' night last night playing a game. She has been rather nice to me, but still sleeping in other room, no R talks, and no physical touching whatsoever. We are going out to dinner tonight to celebrate her birthday. Were not going to see it other much in the next week or so as I go out of town for work for 2 and she's leaving for fun for 5. Not sure how we can get closer if theres not a ton of interaction. I'm continuing to DB around the house as much as possible I guess.
This is the dinner with her family, you were talking about right? You know what you have to do. Good Luck. Let us know how you make out. I think this is an opportunity. You could do really good at dinner. Then be apart for a week so she can ponder what a good guy you are and how much it will suck to leave you. I found, but maybe others can comment, that a few days away from the wife at this stage seemed to make her come back a bit warmer each time.
I don't think you need "ton's" of interactions. I think that equals "smothering". You need a little interaction that is positive. Quality VS quantity.
I wanna introduce my own DB concept. Just like there is WAW or MLC fog, I think there is a LBS fog also. We, the LBS get hyper-sensitive. We want it fixed NOW, sooner than now. We get clingy and reactive. I found it helpful to try to see out of the LBS fog and ask, how would I have acted in our first year when it was good. Mix your DB skills with that first year mojo and that is how to play it. Way harder said than done but that, I think, is the ticket.
May the Force be with you.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Of course I want it sooner than now. My clock is racing and I think her's is just plodding along. I am doing my best to treat her as a friend, but she's knows better. Is it bad to move in for a hug now and then? or is that considered pursuing?
Yes...tonight is the dinner. is it bad to put ILY on the card? is that pursuing? How can I do a 180 on the card? that's an interesting thought. I assume she's thinking shes going to get this big long letter in a card. Is a short 'happy birthday' kosher?
she told her mother last night that she wants me to go out and buy a house. That seems a bit more permanent than I was considering or hoping for. I also believe her divorced nut-job friend referred her to a lawyer. Everything in our situation is starting to mirror the sitch friend.
so..yes, I am in the LBS fog. It's so thick right now. It's hard to believe I'm really going through this.
