All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

Thanks for replying your support is a life line atm.

I txted my best friend last night and she hasn't got back to me. Maybe i've burnt that bridge, but at least folks here are sympathtic and want to help each other. My only frustration is the time difference, I wait hours for a reply and panic in between LOL...

Grace - I would LOVE to know what you have said to H about living as friends.

I know I should stop the spin cycle, this life is not just about the kids though, how much harm is been to them by them not seeing affection and parents been loving to 1 another?

If my LL is 'words of affirmation' and i'm not getting that, how can I ever be truely happy?

I go to yoga twice a week and i'm quite socialable so that isn't an issue, I do enjoy to read and watch DVD's. H is always restless in the house and works late most evenings. My argument has always been that his work come before me and the boys. That nag i've stopped now.

I'm working on things that I think were my part in the downfall in this M:

a)I had become quite negative & defensive - working on that.
b)Stopped REALLY listening - although we are not talking R atm, i'm trying to analise what he has said in the past.
c)Never spend much money - working on that, but harder to change as it is an issue from childhood.

One issue from b) was that he said I stopped him with his lifetime ambition to trek in the Himalayas or Heli-ski in Canada. Both cost thousands and both would take him away for 2/3 weeks at a time. I recently said to him that his timing was off before and that he should now consider booking it. I think he is in the process of booking the trekking, but hasn't said anything to me. I have to say i'm not that happy, but if it brings him back to me, then i'm happy to grant him his wish (not that he will ask).

The thing is I don't feel that good anymore, I thought that all the improvements were because he was happier not because he is out of la la land and planning trips. I want him to see the improvements in me. Maybe he is and he feels happier because he can book this trip because he knows I am happy about it? Maybe he is in a good place right now and he may turn the corner soon and feel more connected?

Any thoughts appreciated.

XD

[Grace_O]

Why do you think you've burned a bridge with your friend?

What time zone are you in?

Grace - I would LOVE to know what you have said to H about living as friends.

I don't mind telling you, but it was bad in a self depricating way. I'd probably have 2x4's taken to me still and it's been over 8 mos since I went there.

Doesn't really matter what any of our LL's are right now. Most of us aren't getting it met. What if you were single, you wouldn't be getting it met either.

Of course you don't feel good honey, you're in crisis.

Until they really tell us what they are feeling, we are only projecting our own fears, wishes, and hurts into the situation.

Bruce1 posted this on Imageers thread. Very true and wise words.

I know you want him to see the improvements in you. The thing is, you have to make those improvements b/c it's what you want. Not b/c of your M. I know this is hard and it's hard to detach from all you're feeling and even attempt to get at what you really want for your life. I struggle with this everyday.
Is he going to turn a corner soon? Probably not. I know this isn't what you want to hear. When he does turn the corner, you don't know which direction he'll be going.

What plans do you have for the weekend? Talk to me.

[Evie]

Hi Grace - thanks for been here for me. I'm in the uk so the time is 5.30pm. what about you?

What is 2x4's? What did you say to H? I bet i've probably said it or wished it.

I know we're not getting our LL needs met, but I thought I could do that for H along side DB.

Well WE have very busy plans for the wend.

Tonight we are out for dinner with friends. We used to go out regularly as a 4some with this couple. They know what is going on, but H doesn't think they know as much as they do.

H works alot over weekends and he teaches sports (unsociable hours). But tomorrow we have his brother and family down (I'm really close to them, they live a 2 hour drive away, but I have been on my own to stay with them a couple of times since the bomb). We have a family 40th party sat night and they will be staying over. Then we will spend time with the kids sunday am before we have to go to work at mid day. After tea H goes back to work then he goes to the gym. We used to go together until the bomb. But last week I went on my own and got back in time for H to go, I really enjoyed it, so I plan to do it again.

I am in crisis. I can go so long and think everything is fine then somthing is said or reacted to or like just i found a petrol receipt for the next town and whollop. It could be something perfectly reasonable but I just over react. I'm not showing this of course or questioning H I would have in the past.

How are things with you? What are your plans?

Thanks for listening & for the support.

XD

[Grace_O]

I'm in California (US) so I'm about 8 hrs behind you.

A 2x4 is a board that is used (not actually) to hit somebody with when they say something stupid. What I said to my H was I didn't care if he had A(s) if he stayed in the house to help me raise our D's through High School. He had to be discreet and definately keep it from them (and me if possible). I TOLD you it was stupid. It's never come up again. Do I know what he's up to? Nope. Do I ask? No. Do I think he's doing this, I don't know. I do know he's interacting with our D's and supporting his family. If I could take those words back would I? Yes. I am worth more than that and deserve better. I know that somewhere in his head he knows it too.

[Evie]

So are you still living like this?

[Evie]

Friends have just cancelled our meal out. I txted H and said did he still want to go for a quick bite. He replied ' i'll get a takeaway'..Am I dissapointed that he didn't want to go with me - yes very.

[Grace_O]

Yes, I still live like this.

Sorry your disappointed. If you keep your expectaions to zero (hard to do) it will help. Work at not getting too excited when you're going to see him. Positive energy, but no expectations.

[Evie]

what is your coping mechanism? Are things better between you & H b/c of your arrangement?

We have had our meal, conversation was light, mainly workstuff (its always workstuff). H now in the bath. Just desperate right now, you know that point where you just think you don't want to do this anymore? He seems to have all the power right now b/c he is detached.

xd

[Evie]

Cat - where are you? Talk to me are you ok?

[Grace_O]

The only coping mechanism I have is to breathe and to walk. They help to clear my head. Esp. when I think it's going to explode. you know the feeling your heart and thoughts start racing and you've got so much nervous energy you want to scream? I walk. If it's late at night sometimes I exercise 9either stationary bike or somthing where I move).

You seem him as having all the power b/c he's keeping you from what you want ( in this moment). This is where journaling and writing goals helps. What do you want for your life? How can you get there from here.

There are online classes (even free ones) that can occupy you mind and your time and give you better skills for whatever.