WOW MTN, I think that is just lovely !!!! He was lucky to find you and you him !
I do have another question though....if we turn your situation around a bit....then is it possible that ow/om in the WAS situation would be the same sort of good person towards the WAS ?? What I mean is, what if the ow/om is also 1,2 and 3 !?
I hope you understand what I mean and maybe I can learn from this !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
If I understand correctly, you are asking me if my BF is a WAS? Or is he the LBS? If so, how does he treat his XW?
First, New Guy (or not so New Guy was LBS at first. His XW cheated on him with a guy from work. He found out, she moved out, they tried to reconcile, then he realized he had changed..She was not remorseful about what she had done and thought it would just be forgotten and he was not in love with her anymore due to alot of reasons. So he filed, she didn't seem surprised..it was amicable.
He treats her cordially..No bullying..She is in her own MLC and used to be alot worse but it has calmed down alot. I have met her and she was fine..It is important for me to be nice to his daughter's mom. I love his D and she is close with her mom. The least conflict the better for the kids.
New Guy and I met after we had both filed..It was still soon for me so we went super slow. Our kids didn't meet each other until we were both divorced and were sure our R was solid. About a year after we met our kids met.
He is a classy guy..meaning, he is well-liked by everyone that knows him..he is a great boss..his employees love him..he is a great dad..his mom and dad are terrific. That said alot about his character..I was able to see how he was with his other R's..But never did he stoop to his ex's level..He is not a fighter..He was just done when the drama didn't end with his XW..She was all about self-created drama.
I have encouraged his R with his XW..Meaning, if his D is happy that is important to me. No kids want to see their parents fight, divorced or not. His D has been lucky that way as she has not experienced 1/100th of what my kids have.
So, New Guy was an LBS that filed like I did. I asked him the other day if he thought she would have stayed if he didn't file and said probably not. He wasn't into it anymore and she knew it. He asked for counseling and she said no. He didn't want to be in a marriage like that..Like me, he realized his M wasn't strong enough to begin with to deal with infidelity.
I went to high school with New Guy, too, so I knew about his reputation, etc. He was a really nice kid back then, too..(skinny and little, though, and I remet him and he was like 10 inches taller and forty pounds heavier!!)
Hopefully, that answers your question..
We have been dating two and a half years now and so far, so good! I was very lucky to meet a man who was secure enough to deal with XH bullsh**t, too. It hasn't been easy for him not to flex his muscles, so to speak, towards XH, I am sure..But, he has not said anything other than XH is a jerk that likes to bully me and he will be there when I need him. However, New Guy encourages me to stand up for myself as he knows that is what I want to do, anyway. I like to fight my own battles and set my own boundaries..Not have them done for me..Plus, to have the kids see New Guy fight with their dad is not a good scene and New Guy has said that. He has no desire to be mean towards the kids Dad as he loves my kids, too, and doesn't want to create any more upset.
Okay..have to go get S at school now..He got braces yesterday and one of the things that hold the wire popped off his tooth.
Going on a road trip tomorrow with the kids, his D and New Guy to New Hope PA..Pumpkin picking, sight-seeing and just getting the heck out of dodge for the day..can't wait.
W.L..Thanks so much for the post..How are you doing??
MTN, it wasn't quite what I meant, but I loved the story anyway, he sounds so handsome and lovely ! I hope that you will both be very happy together !
What I was trying to say was....what if my H's ow is nice and kind like your New Guy ! What if we view them incorrect... some may genuinely be concerned ? Right ? Well I don't know...it's making my head ache worse...if you have thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
Have a great time with the kids, the new guy and the pumpkins !!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Funny, Cinders..I think about this alot..what if I am way off base about OW.
Well, at first, I have to admit, I enjoyed the fact that she was a freak because I felt like XH would get his "just desserts" for leaving..I wanted them to fight and be miserable,
But, it suddenly changed when I let go of my R with XH and really started to see all this as an outsider looking in..I wanted my kids to like her..I really did..I hated when they came home with stories about how mean she was to them..I really did.
It's one thing that ow is a loon to ME, but to my kids no..
So, I tried to be friendly towards her. Ultimately, I knew she was going to be a part of their lives..It didn't work, but I tried.
I think it almost harder for the WAS to see me with someone so loving as New Guy as it would be hard for me to see XH with OW..(at least in the beginning)
I realized after I was accepting of the fact our M was over I genuinely wanted XH to be in a good R. I really mean that. When he was happy, the kids were happy..plain and simple.
Now, if OW was like the "good fairy" or something and knew everyone in town and everyone adored her, that would be hard. But, she is from another area which has made it easier.
So, the moral is I think it is easier for the LBS to accept a nice and friendy OW in XH's life when LBS has truly moved on. In the long run, it is ultimately letting go. I guess it is a form of unconditional love..you still love your XH and want him to be happy even if your M didn't work out.
I do notice that I am being treated by XH as the WAS now. Funny how things turned around. I think my letting go and trying to befriend OW (even though it didn't work) signified that..I was not acting jealous, angry or crazy..It's all about ACCEPTANCE..
All I know it's a lot easier for the kids to be around ANY adult who is in their divorced parents' lives that are moral and kind. And it is important to me to realize that..
So, I guess the answer to your question is that it would have probably cost me alot less money in court(alot of our money was spent on OW issues ), alot less sleepless nights worrying about the kids and alot less stress for the children if the OW was as nice as my New Guy..
Hi, this is a belated reply because I have been away [working hard]. I am so sorry that your h is giving you such a hard time. My h is geting madder and madder and more and more irational, and I do think it is partly the influence of the OW who really is crazy. I mean when he started the affair people who knew and liked him were seriously concerned.
Amazed that he would trade someone like me for her, bu also because she does such mad and unpredictable things.
I am not blaming her - my h made the decision to walk, and after struggling for 2 years to maintain some sort of r with their father my three kids have separately and independently come to the decision that he is impossible to have a relationship with.
My h blames me [of course] Somehow I have managed to turn three young adult males against him, when all he was trying to do was escape from his marriage. . . . . None of this is his resonsibility. He never asks the question why three intelligent and loving people would find it impossible to have any relationship with him.
My eldest son had an email from him last Tuesday tht he said was so deranged, and full of lies that he didn't really know how to reply.
I am sure that he is going to turn very mean pretty soon now, as this comes in waves of spite.
MTN I am glad you have found someone nice - I decided to wait for my h, as I believed and hoped that the wonderful person he was pre-MLC might one day emerge, but now, two years on, I am worn out by this, and he is crazier than ever in spite of our kindness towards him.
I haven't sat around moping - I have a good job, lots of friends, and the best kids any mother could want or hope to have. BUT I do know how difficult it is to deal with someone that whenever you are kind or nice immediately uses it to find ways of hurting us and our kids even if they are grown up like mine - my younges son gets panic attacks as a result of his father's recent emotional abuse]. It makes us defensive and guarded.
Killing with kindness - well I have done that. ANd got my teeth well and truly kicked in for my pains. This does not mean I will be horrible. I means that I don't need to have any relationship at all, because my kids are adult. in your shoes I don' know what I would do.
It's been a long time since I read a post and began to cry. After reading yours, I was very emotional. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH!! The mind games, the blame, the nastiness..out of NOWHERE! It is a full time job just being able to block out all of this nonsense. I KNOW!!
So, thank you for sharing your thoughts..It isn't easy dealing with this by any means, especially with children. Your boys sound like they are wondeful kids (just like their mom ) and know where your H's head is at..I am so sorry to hear about your son't panic attacks. I had issues with my kids concerning the stress the D had on their lives but mostly with their R with wacko Jacko Daddo.
As for my new R, it all takes work. I know how you feel when you want to stand for M but find out a few years later it isn't going to work. Just shows how much dedication and love you have to stand for a M that you know will take a ton of work. Realizing that your H is truly out there isn't easy, either. When I accepted that my XH is not really MLC but alot more issues I was sad. Then, I had to regroup and say ENOUGH..He has held me emotionally hostage for three years and I was DONE!
New Guy isn't a control freak..He is patient.He has to be because I have ALOT of emotional baggage that creeps up every now and then..However, this R is different because we appreciate the little things at this point in our lives. And we tell each other so..because of what we have went through..
So, Angelica, keep your chin up and keep being the amazing person you are..It all works out for the best in the end..
Kiki..
Thanks..after reading Angelica's post which got me all choked up I read yours and that made me even more choked up!!
THANK YOU!!
It's been a long haul but it has taught me soo much..
Uh Oh..D needs me..she is trying to get out of going to dance..
MTN - thanks for this reply: you have been through all of this, and are not jaded or hardened by the experience That takes very special qualities. I think some people get through it by hardening their hearts, which is understandable.
It must have taken great courage to embark on another r . . . as you say, not easy, bu he does sound nice.
nice isn't something that MLCers do is it? Not to their families anyway. I do think Althea's h' [Mothermovingon] has some pretty special qualities in that department, but that self serving bs is someting we all recognise.
I would actually like to write a book with a character based on that guy. Trust me, he would get his come uppance!
was LBS at first. His XW cheated on him with a guy from work. He found out, she moved out, they tried to reconcile, then he realized he had changed..She was not remorseful about what she had done and thought it would just be forgotten and he was not in love with her anymore due to alot of reasons. So he filed, she didn't seem surprised..it was amicable.
), alot less sleepless nights worrying about the kids and alot less stress for the children if the OW was as nice as my New Guy..
) and know where your H's head is at..I am so sorry to hear about your son't panic attacks. I had issues with my kids concerning the stress the D had on their lives but mostly with their R with wacko Jacko Daddo.