Great to hear from you. It really does feel good to help others, to be more mindful of doing so. I am keeping in touch with several people I met at the retreat a few weeks ago, and they are already dear friends. I've opened up more to them than to many people I've known for a lot longer, and it feels great to do so.
Those new hobbies/activities you are contemplating sound wonderful. We create our own realities in many ways; obviously we cannot control all of what we experience, but to recognize the power we do have day to day is liberating. We do not just exist; we make our own realities. I feel the same way; just have to decide what to plunge myself into. I'm getting into outdoor activities a bit more--feels great to be in nature. Nothing deeply serious yet, but just moving in that direction. For the past three weeks, I've been traveling a lot and tied up with the little stuff in the move.
Went out and bought a new dish set last night. So small an act, yet so meaningful. Time to imprint my own style on this new place, rather than live off scraps I grabbed out of the house when I moved out in June. I have slowly been accumulating a few new things--new towels, comforter and sheets for the bed. The thing is, I've deliberately kept them wrapped up until I move. Emotionally, the move will be like a new beginning. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas--don't want to open the new stuff too soon.
I'm also looking at several volunteer possibilities. Never made the time for that in the past, except for a few small things once or twice a year. Now, I am elevating that type of giving as a priority in my life.
Wife called me this morning to see if I am OK. I didn't respond to an email she sent yesterday about some minor thing at the house. I read it, but as I am weighing with detaching even further I decided not to respond until today. She called before I could respond. No relationship talk, just a quick check at 6:30am to see that I am fine. Hard to know what that means. I won't over-analyze it. She won't say a thing about the relationship one way or another. No talk of divorce; no talk of reconciliation. So, I live day to day looking to create my own joy and meaning. I still believe we could be wonderful for each other--we could have a terrific new marriage with the changes each of us seem to be making. But, I know that it may be too late as far as she is concerned and if that's the case I take what I've learned about myself, love, and relationships and look for someone else at some point. I have come to see this separation as one of the best things that has ever happened to me. When the bomb dropped back in June, I never in a million years thought I'd say that. I am living more from my heart, less from my head. This is what Terrence Real, O'Connor, and others write about, and I feel it.
I suppose I should take the no talk of divorce as some small positive sign. Maybe time is on my side???? Then again, maybe not. I am not going to get hung up on answering that, because really I know that I cannot. People keep telling me to up the pressure on her, that I'm being too patient, a doormat. I still believe, though, that if I'm correct about MLC there is not much at all I can do to force this issue. My choices are to wait it out and work on my own happiness, or walk away from the marriage. For now, I'm still standing for the marriage.
