My "This is under newcomers" is locked - URGENT

[saffie]

I think it's her.

Stop spinning. Something is going on in her head. Give her space otherwise you will push her into something she doesn't want.

You cannot control her. Look at yourself. Did the Dr. give you anything for panic attacks?

I think she most probably feels guilty for the hurt she is causing you and so to interact with you is hard. She is indecisive herself. You MUST give her space to draw her own conclusions.

STOP beating yourself up about last night. What is done is done..

Maybe OM has blown her out for tonight; maybe she is rushed off her feet at work; maybe she has a bad headache. Do you see what I am saying? You don't know what her problem is, (if there is one at all). You cannot keep up with this continual speculation - it is making you ill and you have a son to think about.

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.

Look forward to an evening with your son. Try and think about happy thoughts.

Saffie

[Yoyowife]

GISH,
You have got to calm down. No one wants a needy person. Be strong. I know you can do it!

Quit showing her so much concern when you talk to her. Just be nice. Don't analyze her thoughts or ask too many questions.

[goinginsanehere]

Please any advice on A MAJOR CRISIS LAST NIGHT. My wife called me at work last night. I cold barely understand her because she was crying hysterically. She said she was at our house with our son cleaning, and it just hit her how miserable she was by herself. She said she hated living by herself at her apartment and missed living in our home. She said she is so confused and doesn't know what to do but she just can't take it anymore. She said she feels so foolish and she can't believe how depressed and sad she is after only being out for 2 weeks. She said she doesn't know what to do because she has a lease and wouldn't probably be able to get out of it. She said maybe she isn't giving the move long enough but knew she hated it at this moment. I was very sympathetic and told her it was alright and I told her that she does NOT have to feel foolish. I said being on your own was something you wanted to try. I said you are NOT a fool, you don't know how you would feel until you tried it. I said if you are that miserable, sad, and depressed about moving out, then it would be ok to move back home. I said it doesn't matter if it's two weeks or two years, if you are upset about being away, then it's ok to move back. It doesn't make you weak or a failure just because you didnt like it. I said you shouldn't put yourself through all the hurt, just to wait 2 month, 3 months to see if you like it better. If you are unhappy by yourself then it's ok to come back. We all miss you. She said she wanted to spend the night back home because she was so upset.
We went to bed and she told me the same things on the phone and just kept saying she didn't know what to do. I never mentioned the OM or begged her to come, I just made sure she knew she could come back and we would work on building a new relationship going forward. She confided in me that the OM said he loves her but she says he just has so much stuff in his own life and she is feeling rejected by him and she said he is blaming her for wanting more right now. She said he thinks she blames him for moving out and she said he gets defensive when she says she hates being alone because he thinks she wants him to move in and he can't. I cried very slightly and as soon as I did, she hugged me and hugged me for the first time in a few months. She said we both need hugs right now. We hugged and squeezed for about 5 minutes and then did some more small talk and then she went to sleep. I did hug her the whole night even though I couldn't sleep the entire night. SHe got up this morning and then left for work. She said goodbye and said thanks for letting me stay but no hug or kiss. WHAT DOES ANYTHING THINK ABOUT THIS AND HOW MUCH DID I GO AGAINST DBUST PRINCIPLES. DID I MAKE THINGS WORSE.
PLEASE HELP

[Dr LOve]

GGH,

YOU DID GREAT, as good as I have it I wish I had a breck through like you just had.
don't mention to her anymore things like "It doesn't make you weak or a failure just because you didnt like it."
Let her say these things if she wants and then just say sorry she feels that way. You can't tell her she should n0ot feel that way becase NOBODY can tell anybody how the should feel.

Doing good big guy

Husband

[goinginsanehere]

I do need to mention she did say she couldn't move back now anyways because she still has feelings for the OM and it wouldn't be fair to me to move back in while she still has feelings for him :-(

[Evie]

husband - sorry to butt in.

Saffie has recommended that i read your stich as similiar to what i'm going through.

Could you post me your thread?

X D

[LL44]

Wow gish, you did amazingly well.

Keep this up, the open door, the warm environment, and I bet things keep going well. I know how hard this is on you, but if you think about it, its great that she is confused!!

[saffie]

GISH
It is great that she is confused but NOW is the time to set boundaries.

If she wants to come gome then say to her NO OM.

She cannot keep dumping on you about OM. It's fine if she has finished with him but it is not fine if she is just using you to prop her up when she waivers and then she goes back to seeing him.

Her having her own place has scared OM off. He is no threat to you. Control your emotions. If she comes back because she wants you and loves you that is good. If she is coming back because she feels rejected by OM and OM is unfinished business then that is NOT good. You know which it is. Be realistic and be truthful with yourself.

(((((HUGS))))))

Saffie

[goinginsanehere]

Saffie,
She already set the boundary I think. She said it isn't fair to me to come home right now because she still does have feelings for OM. She wants to see if they go away with him or will she continue to love him. Do you still think they will dwindle with him? And I am NOT complaining but why did she hug me so much last night but now this morning nothing again? And you still think OM is NO THREAT when he did tell her he loves her?

[saffie]

I truly think Om is no threat. I think her moving out from your home into an apartment has scared her.

GISH last night she USED you for comfort. You have GOT to stop her doing that. The sooner you do the sooner she is likely to come home to you. OM has proved he cannot be there for her full time. At the moment you fill in the gaps for her and prop her up. You must stop so she sees just how lonely it will be if she chooses OM. Can you understand what I am saying. She uses you as and whan it suits her and you let her and each time it hurts you more.

Saffie