All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

Thanks for replying your support is a life line atm.

I txted my best friend last night and she hasn't got back to me. Maybe i've burnt that bridge, but at least folks here are sympathtic and want to help each other. My only frustration is the time difference, I wait hours for a reply and panic in between LOL...

Grace - I would LOVE to know what you have said to H about living as friends.

I know I should stop the spin cycle, this life is not just about the kids though, how much harm is been to them by them not seeing affection and parents been loving to 1 another?

If my LL is 'words of affirmation' and i'm not getting that, how can I ever be truely happy?

I go to yoga twice a week and i'm quite socialable so that isn't an issue, I do enjoy to read and watch DVD's. H is always restless in the house and works late most evenings. My argument has always been that his work come before me and the boys. That nag i've stopped now.

I'm working on things that I think were my part in the downfall in this M:

a)I had become quite negative & defensive - working on that.
b)Stopped REALLY listening - although we are not talking R atm, i'm trying to analise what he has said in the past.
c)Never spend much money - working on that, but harder to change as it is an issue from childhood.

One issue from b) was that he said I stopped him with his lifetime ambition to trek in the Himalayas or Heli-ski in Canada. Both cost thousands and both would take him away for 2/3 weeks at a time. I recently said to him that his timing was off before and that he should now consider booking it. I think he is in the process of booking the trekking, but hasn't said anything to me. I have to say i'm not that happy, but if it brings him back to me, then i'm happy to grant him his wish (not that he will ask).

The thing is I don't feel that good anymore, I thought that all the improvements were because he was happier not because he is out of la la land and planning trips. I want him to see the improvements in me. Maybe he is and he feels happier because he can book this trip because he knows I am happy about it? Maybe he is in a good place right now and he may turn the corner soon and feel more connected?

Any thoughts appreciated.

XD