I am sure that it will! I don't want to discount all the positive gains that we have made, H has talked to me about things that I know took alot of courage, however does really say much about the actual affair, but more about what he was dealing with...so I know that he is feeling safer. I know that it will take time, I have put up with all the bad so far, so I plan to stick with it now when the good is starting!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
I have read enough to get an idea of your stitch. Even though I am on the other side of the fence, my heart goes out to you. I think so many men just don't get it when it comes to understanding the feelings and emotions of us women. He thinks everything is "fixed" now and he should be able to return to the very.......what word to use here?......atmosphere and schedule that help to assist him into an A. If I read enough to get that right.
I gather that he thought the M workshop and the good long talk you both had when you got home......fixed the problem. As women, we understand that it takes much more than that. If he had been trapped in a burning building coming down on top of him....I bet he would be leary of fires after that experience. Just seeing a burning building would remind him of how painful it was and bring back all that memory of the burn. He can't understand why you can't just forgive.....forget....and move on. He probably thinks....or will think....that you are "hanging on" to the problem that should be over by now.
Gee, I hope I'm not making things worse for you by saying these negative things. I'm sorry sweetie. Sometimes in my compassion I don't always say the correct things people need to hear. I guess what I am saying is that that is part of the differences in the sexes and how we think so differently from each other. Not all men are that way, I don't think, after reading a lot of their threads here on the board I have changed my mind about that. But, a lot of men still think like that. They are "fixers" and they want it done yesterday and move on and forget it all ever happened. Part of women's therapy is to talk about it and "work" through it. He thought you two did that when you had that talk the other day. Now, it should be completed.
If you have ever read any of Gary Smalley's books, then you know what he says about "word pictures" and how we have to use that with men sometimes. Have you ever tried that with your H? I tried it once with mine, but I don't know if he "got it" or not...lol.
I'm not being helpful here, so I'll hush. I just wanted you to know that another woman was here for you if you want to vent. My H has never talked to me and that was the beginning of our breakdown in the M. I needed it so badly and he just did not even try, so then I couldn't respond to him sexually. So, after many years a lot of resentment has built up and very high walls built around both of us. I hope that won't happen with the two of you.
I'm here every day or night.....so drop in and see me whenever you need to.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You definately didn't make things worse, and everything you said was true!! He truly does believe that things are all better, and even if he says he understands, he doesn't really, how could they, how could they truly understand the pain and hurt that they caused? Because we at no time treated them with anything but love, I know through the worst of our mess I never called him names, made comments about how good or not they were in bed, and never acted evil and childish! So how could they know. I think that he has written alot of to his depression, using that in his mind to excuse or justify or deal with his actions.
I am not out to point all of this out to him in detail, I don't want to rub his nose in it, as I don't feel that will help anything in the long run, but I do want him to realize that there is damage and its going to take awhile! I was looking through my Retrouvaille work book last night and it looks like we are coming up to the hard stuff, dealing with whats happened alittle more, so hopefully this will give me the vehicle to get some of these feelings out to him in away that is safe, and in away that I know he is hearing me!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
For some unknown reason I am feeling incredibly low today, and I really don't know why! Things are going well at home, better then they have in a year, I just feel low to the point where i keep wanting to tell H I am done, I feel so incredibly tired! I am tired of this being who I am about now, that even though we are moving forward, all of the baggage is still there never far away. We have made great strides, and I am happy for that, I don't really know why I feel like this, I don't know what more I could want. Just needed to get that out!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
did you ever read the mars-venus books? Women are like waves, they go up and down and up and down, and now and then, they need to hit rock bottom and let it ALLLL out (just crawling up from my 'rock bottom' stage)
It is normal to feel this way, you are emotionally cleansing yourself. At least here, in the east coast, it is a beautiful day, go out and have yourself a manicure, a cup of mocha with a friend or something to pull your mind out of a negative path. It's ok to feel tired, take a well deserved break, go catch a chick flick and tell H to cook up a pizza for the kids, relax
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
These feelings are all the result of the emotional beating you have been through! What your H doesn't do....you do to yourself. Hey, I've beat myself up a lot more than my H has.....and deserved every bit of it, but the point is that you are exhausted right now. You two have climbed a very high hill and you are tired. Now, after saying that, I would like to warn you about being tired and "pushing forward" at this time. Perhaps you both need to try to just relax through the weekend and not do any serious R talk. Trust me when I say that timing is everything! You need to get rested and some energy restored and then talk. That's not to mean that you loose what you've gained.....ok? But, just don't "push it" for a couple of days or more.
At least over the weekend, try talking about anything other than the M. Do relaxing things. If he doesn't want to join you, then don't fret and come unglued over it.......go do somehting for you! You need it and you deserve it. Besides, then you will be able to go back and approach him a better woman....lol.
Hope you do have a good weekend and I'll check back with you Monday.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Limbo - I hear what you are saying. I know how you feel. My H left, again last night - ugh. I am so very tired of working at this. Even before he left I have felt that way. Retrouvaille is great, but it is a lot of work when done properly. Not to mention that you are stirring up emotions that you may not have expressed before. Dialoguing in and of itself is exhausting, especially when two people are working so hard at it. I also think that you may be worried/stressed out by H working with OW. I know first hand the toll that can take on you. The worry alone is enough to make your head spin and cause exhaustion. I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom of how to overcome it all. I myself am struggling right now, I just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. ((((LIMBO))))
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
My H recommitted to our M over 14 months ago. I still have many times when I want to walk away and that is even though he has never wavered in his recommitment. Even though we know they want to be with us and work at things we still have Believe me it will get easier with time. That might be a long time, but it will get easier.
keep posting, let out all your hurt and anger on here. It is natural to feel like this - don't feel bad at all for feeling like this. I have gotten so close to being a WAS after what's happened and I think in some ways emotionally I am similar to a WAS.
Just keep moving on, taking small steps at a time. At some point you were going to come down from the euphoria of the Retro weekend. Sometimes I even wondered if I 'won' him back to show him I could and to make him want me so that I could then stick my two fingers up to him and then walk away and say "here, you see what it feels like"!! I know that's not what I want in the long run but sometimes I think it would feel so good!!!!!
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Sandi, its funny lying in bed last night I thought to myself the same thing I feel emotionally battered! Last night I had a phone convo with my Mum, about some family issues that she gets herself all worked up over, and because I wouldn't agree with what she was saying she get mad and when she ended the call says give her love to the family, but never said I love you to me, which she does at the end of every call. So someone else that like to pull this kind of s**t! I thought I just want to go away, by myself and recharge! but financially its just not something we can do!
The work for Retro is hard Eadie, didn't do it last night, just didn't have the energy for it! I am sorry things have taken the turn that they have...I am here for you if you want to talk!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
For some unknown reason I am feeling incredibly low today, and I really don't know why! Things are going well at home, better then they have in a year, I just feel low to the point where i keep wanting to tell H I am done, I feel so incredibly tired!
Limbo, I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. I've had that feeling all week now. I agree with the other comments here. Use the weekend to relax and decompress. I think we all need it.
