I'm still doing it

[mkultra]

My first instinct was to accept his gift, his time, his kindness. Try not to reject what he want sto give to you because that may be his way of showing love. Maybe his love language is service. I do not know because I have not read that book, but what if it is true? Isn't that what you want? On the other hand, DR says to make yourself less available. If he does show you the PC, then let him teach you stuff about it. Again, that could be another part of his love language. Keep love and communication alive, Neph. It is such a good sign especially if his self esteem is torn up.

[nephartiti]

So you think I should just suck it up and let him come over tomorrow? Let him come and go as he pleases? Take whatever I can get? I did originally tell him T, Th, and Fri mornings for visits with the kids. I guess I should keep my word.

I haven't sent that TM yet. Still thinking about it. I don't want to act out of fear and insecurity.

[mkultra]

Yes, I don't know why but I think the Last Resort and Going Dark is really for the LAST RESORT! You still have time to act AS IF, really, you do. Stay positive. Reward positive behavior. Keep the path home a safe one. Don't give a mixed signal now. If he flakes then that is when you put him on a schedule. Don't even think about the OW or her schedule. I know that sucks and I do it too. Hell, I wanted him to take the kids on Mondays and Tuesdays cuz that is when the credit vard bills showed he was going out to dinner!! Silly and contrived. Take the PC and be grateful. Empathy. Be beautiful.

[nephartiti]

I just don't want him to buy himself out of his guilt. I feel like he may be thinking "I feel really guilty because I screwed up and abandoned my family and responsibilities. If I buy these things and thereby take care of them financially, I will not feel so guilty. Then I can continue being selfish and have my A without guilt."

I don't know how a WAS thinks, but this is what I am afraid he is thinking... subconciously of course.

[nephartiti]

You are right MK. Acting As If has gotten positive results. Why stop that which is working? Also, It us not my place to sabotage their plans. That will only make me look bad and cause resentment. I will be wonderful so that my H can't resist me. I'll let her make HERself look bad when she starts to get uncomfortable and show her true colors.

Thanks for the support MK. I needed that.

[mkultra]

FROM HOMER

3. Act As If Everything Is Perfect
The wife is hostile. “You can’t see the kids except once a month. That’s all I want. You’re
not good for them. I just want you to see them once a month.” So the father is threatening
court action and he’s all upset. He doesn’t have the money to pay to attorneys for all this, but
he’s torn between being depressed and being angry. I said, “I want you to act as if seeing the
kids once a month is perfect. That it gives you more privacy and more freedom to do other
things.”

The wife in this kind of situation always wants the opposite of what she thinks the husband
wants. So then when he acts like he’s perfectly happy, all of a sudden she begins pushing the
kids on him. This is what psychologists have called “negative suggestibility.”
I remember using hypnosis years ago. A woman’s lying on the couch and I’m suggesting,
“Your right hand and right arm are getting light like a feather.” And after about 5 minutes of
that, the hand usually floats up, and her hand’s not moving at all. So I say, “Are you feeling
anything in your right hand and right arm?” She says in kind of a sleepy voice, “My hand’s
getting heavier.” The very opposite from what I’m suggesting. I said, “Good. Your right
hand and your right arm are getting heavier and heavier,” and her hand floated up.
I use this technique with husbands, because people tend to value independence — the idea of
independence. They don’t know what the hell it is, but they want it. So they define
independence the way a maladjusted 15-year-old does. “If I can spit at the principal or the
teacher or my parents, that proves how independent I am.” So they define independence as
rebellion.
Now this takes advantage of the wife’s urge to rebel, and it frustrates her neurosis. It
frustrates her desire to fight, because the husband takes away some of her excuses for fighting
with him.
I remember the man that started “Dare To Be Great.” A long time before he became a multimillionaire,
he was going through bankruptcy and they were picking up his furniture because
he couldn’t make the payments on it. Well, he used this technique of acting as if everything is
perfect. “Isn’t this great?” he said. “I don’t have to make any more payments on that
furniture.” And it worked for him.
This acting like everything is perfect forces the husband, in this case, to act rationally,
maturely, and forces him to stop exaggerating. We normally exaggerate the bad and we
normally exaggerate how desirable our mate is if we’re losing our mate. We act as if she’s a
goddess and is perfect and so forth. I don’t care if the man’s in Connecticut or California, it
doesn’t make any difference, when he’s being divorced, he fills the session with complaints
about his wife. Everything is “she” from the moment the conversation starts. He says, “Well,
she…” I’m supposed to know who that is. “Nothing is happening because she hasn’t called.
Nothing is happening.” And when he talks about her, every single thing is bad.
He doesn’t talk about how sweet she is or how logical or what a good mother she is. He’s just
constantly talking about how bad she is. She’s so unfair. She’s so illogical. She’s so selfish.
She won’t communicate. And at the same time, he’s feeling depressed.
So I say to him, “Here you are standing in this big supermarket, and you’re holding an apple.
And you’re telling me over and over that three-fourths of the apple, if not more, is totally
rotten. And you’re going to have to put it down and pick up another apple that might be good.
And you’re crying? What kind of sense does that make?” And he sees it.

So we are normally and naturally masochistic. We’re normally and naturally focusing on the
bad and exaggerating the bad. That’s not unusual. That’s popular. That’s what people do.
This idea of acting as if every detail in the situation is perfect goes against the habits. A
person really has to use their head to do this.
Did you ever stop to think that in everything that works, we use our head? Our outer space
program is working, because we use the scientific method. We use our head. People are
living longer and healthier than ever before, because of the medical profession and nutrition.
Half of the marriages are ending in divorce, and most of the rest of them just don’t have the
guts or the money to get out. So we’re failing all over the place. Most love relationships are
short-term. They burn out. Why? Because we’re following our feelings, not using our head.
If you want something to work, use your head. But our feelings are spoiled brats. They want
to choose the goal and the method. They want to go to London, England by horseback. And
they insist on London, England. They say, “No, no, I don’t want to change my goal. I want
this particular one back. She’s selfish as hell, but I’ve got to have her.” And they want to
achieve the goal by criticizing or complaining or arguing, in spite of the evidence that that
always pushes them further and further away. So we’re not using our head.
So this is a brand new idea. Use your head in your personal life? Oh my goodness, that will
make me an unfeeling person. No, it will make you a feeling person with happy feelings,
rather than depressed feelings or hurt feelings. And it works. It works over and over and over

[mkultra]

Now if I could only take my own advice!! I am also second guessing myself. I bet they are too! Ugh, Mars and Venus.

[nephartiti]

Thanks again, MK. What book is that from?

[nephartiti]

My H has passive aggressive tendencies. I think the As If approach has diffused a lot of his aggressive energy. I stopped reacting to the spending and late arrivals. I just stopped reacting, period. He has not once been here on time, when he said he will be here. He has not really given me notice of when he is coming. Tomorrow is the second time I supposedly know he is coming. Again he says early. We'll see. It hasn't happened yet.

Before I would get PO'd and respond by retaliation or throwing all the evidence my snooping dug up in his face just to prove what a liar he was. Guess what good that did. Just pushed him farther. I had to back way off, now he's coming around. I'm just trying to stay consistent. I don't want to backslide. When I feel weak, I want to just go a little dark so I don't mess up.

Today's visit was hard. I was unprepared. I feel like I don't know him. It is like having a stranger in my home that I am attracted to. I feel awkward. Speach is difficult let alone just sitting in his presence. I'm sure he must see through me.

[nephartiti]

H is supposedly going to be here within the next half hour. However, I have a feeling, he will stay with her for her first period conference, go to his optomotrist appt, then show up later and not have enough time to finish what he was going to do.

I'm such a schmuck sitting here waiting for him. Talk about pathetic. He must relish in his knowledge that I am sitting here awaiting his arrival. He has way too much power/control.

How can I set a boundary without pushing? If I don't even get a "I'm running late call" by 9, should I just take the kids and go somewhere? Then I can say, well I expected you at such and such a time. I didn't hear from you. I had some things to do.

Any feedback? This communication/visist territory is new for me. I was just getting the hang of darkness, now I'm spinning a little with all this contact. I want to make sure I don't screw up.