"But I have to warn you: my outings have taken a turn towards the immature. I tend to prefer more drinking, more social scenes, more music, more bodies, etc. No more quiet sushi dinners for me - it's now off to mixers at wine bars, mud wrestling, that sort of stuff. "
Nomo,
Trust me when you read this. I am not judging you at all so try not to get defensive...
This second-adolescence stuff is VERY standard. BTDT. Fun time, some excellent memories, some regrets -- pretty much like any time of major transition in one's life. Anyway, you'll see DBers going through this over and over and over again. Perhaps now you'll start to get an inkling of the WAS mindframe. They got to the same place, just sooner, and via a different path. But, the place is pretty similar -- a second-adolescence filled with excess, trying new things, reinventing one's self, some lapses in responsibility, and so on... So, rest assured that what you are experiencing is VERY normal, a healthy stage of growing and becoming a new improved Nomo. But, also, rest assured, it will pass. You will turn into an adult again. Probably a much freer, less judgmental, more compassionate adult who appreciates joy and fun much more than the old Nomo. But, yes, adulthood will descend upon you again.
When it does, you'll have serious regrets about your physical/emotional involvement with women right now. You are using your new R as a drug just as much as any WAS does. This is not a general claim about new Rs. I have no problem with people dating after they have chosen to D (which it seems to me you have not committed to a D yet.) This is not a general claim about waiting to be the perfectly happy independent individual before you begin dating that many make. Yes, that is ideal. But, I'd say the vast majority of successful relationships in the world begin between imperfect individuals with issues. Different Rs help us through different times. Rebound Rs can evolve into solid Rs. Even Rs that begin as As can turn into solid Rs. As can Rs that recover from betrayal.
But you are at a place where no matter what happens with your current love interest long term, at some point you will both recognize that you are using her right now, using her as a drug. The R lacks authenticity. It is a means to your current strength. You are all over the place in your posts. You sound like are in a full all-out run into fantasy land to avoid reality via your romantic exploits.
For your own sake and your date(s)'s sake, back off dating for awhile, including both emotional/sexual romantic entanglements. Really, treat you and her(s) with a bit more respect.
Right now, you are polluting your sitch with very confusing stuff while you are still confused yourself. Just give yourself a bit more time to get a bit of stability and clarity.
So, again, I am not cautioning you about rebound Rs. Rebound Rs are a very normal thing and MOST Rs people have fail (thus the need for dating). I am not chastising you for dating while M. I am not telling you to quit having a second wild and crazy second-adolescence during which you reinvent yourself. Rather, my concern is that you really just are not ready for this and your current dating behavior reeks of self-destructiveness and treating others poorly. It isn't good for you now. It is going to be sad for you in the future.
Recognize your fragility. Recognize your self-medicating dating behavior. Find a healthier way to self-medicate.
And, because I don't have the patience to edit to make the above filled with the usual disclaimers, I'll add a general disclaimer here. No, I don't know you. I don't know your sitch. I don't know your love interest. I don't know the future. I could be totally wrong about all this. What I do know is what my very strong impression is based on this thread, my own history, and my knowledge of very many many stiches of DBers who have gone through the dating thing and what happened in those sitches. I've watched a lot of them and I'm generally pretty darn good at understanding the pros and cons of dating in a particular sitch. And, I don't think I have EVER made a strong recommendation that someone stop dating. So, FWIW, I don't do that here lightly.
I KNOW you are a good person trying to treat yourself and others well. Your perception is just off-kilter right now... Really.
But if you ignore me, everything will eventually be OK anyway, there will just be more healing to do for more people. And, your R will be whatever it will become, amicably ended, a pit of despair, a partnership of growth, a new M, enemies, friends. It will play out one way or another. But, if you give yourself a bit more time now, however it plays out in future, it will play out better.
Yikes! OT, don't even bother reading my stuff, I'm a mess!
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I should have also said there was lots in there that makes sense. I will not ignore what you wrote. I will digest it honestly and respond fully later thanks again.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
How are your non-partying GAL activities going? Are you still working out? Life is all about balance. Make sure you have the right balance in yours!
I have been trying to mix in tequila shots at trendy downtown bars with my workout regimen, Yoga, reading Dalai Lama, playing violin, etc. I guess I probably could do a bit more of the former!
Anyway, don't overanalyze the whole experience either!
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
If you recall, we were just talking about this the other night. It's just that OT has a way of presenting it that is perhaps more laser sharp & direct.
Quote:
Perhaps now you'll start to get an inkling of the WAS mindframe
That thought came to me the other day, as I too am wanting to "expand my social life" by doing things differently, much the same as our WAS's. Personally, from knowing you, I don't think your life is as wild as it may sound on your thread & I know that you have an enormous amount of respect & compassion for others. You have expressed concern about the possibility that someone may get hurt if you R with your W. If I remember correctly, we both thought that if we were honest about our sitch from the start, that potential hurt would be minimized &, rightly or wrongly, it would be a smaller ouch than the ending of a M or long term R.
Quote:
But you are at a place where no matter what happens with your current love interest long term, at some point you will both recognize that you are using her right now, using her as a drug
.
I think we decided it was definitely a drug & like "crack" to us LBS's, so this is true enough, in fact, the bulk of OT's post has been discussed at one time or another during one of our conversations. I think you've had similiar talks with your current love interest who is D'd herself & prolly aware of the dangers in starting a R with someone in your sitch. Course, as I said, that usually doesn't mean she'll remember or believe that it won't work out differently for her.
You've said yourself, that you've slowed down on making changes and charging ahead in the last few days, and that's always a good thing to do, yes?
I have no doubt that you'll come to a nice balance in whatever path you choose next.
"It's just that OT has a way of presenting it that is perhaps more laser sharp & direct."
Lol, a sweet way of putting it. Thanks
But it truly is out of compassion and not judgment. Things will be fine in the long run. But it is always nice, for instance, to avoid breaking one's leg when one can.
Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "Another relationship is like Novocain for the heart. It is the easiest, quickest, slickest way to do away with the pain. But it's sort of like having a broken foot. You can take a shot of Novocain in your foot after you break it, and you can still walk. You can keep right on walking. You can look around and say, 'I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.'
"One day you look down, and you see these white bones sticking through the skin of your foot, and you realize that you've done a lot more damage to yourself with the Novocain than if you had put a cast around it, protected it, and put some structure to it."
You need to protect your heart and you need structure so that your heart is supported and strong on its own. Getting involved in a new relationship will only damage a heart that is not fully healed.
Embrace Your Singleness Day 16
A person helped get you into this situation. Do not think that another person will help get you out—no matter how right he or she may seem for you.
"After people get divorced, they rush into a new relationship because they hurt," explains Dr. Myles Munroe. "They believe the secret to relieving the hurt is a new relationship, which is the worst thing a person can do. If you get remarried and you're still hurting, you are taking your hurt into another relationship, and that is going to become the foundation of the relationship, which is faulty."
When you are making decisions regarding a new relationship, do not make any decisions based on your feelings. Feelings are temporal and not always rational, no matter how strongly you may feel them. Be wise and take the time to grow and to build your life on a strong foundation.
"You must gain custody of yourself," continues Dr. Munroe. "You must begin to rebuild your life and embrace your singleness again. Use that experience to analyze your own weaknesses, the areas in your life where you were not able to cope in the first relationship. Then strengthen those areas, get knowledge, get teaching, and get information. Rebuild yourself first because your future relationship is only as good as what you bring to it."
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
