When I read the post of your first page, I thought you said you were new and, so, I was just trying to take up for you. I had just seen another WAW leave before she could get the "tools" b/c of some spiteful LBS attiutde toward another WAW. I saw the hurt in that one sentece she left with....and yes, it bothered me a lot. I misunderstood and thought Forrest was being to rough on you, but obviously you two have had an ongoing conversation and you apparently like it and can take up for yourself.
Next time, I will do more research to make sure there are post in other forums or whatever before I jump in to try to halp anyone. Sorry I interfered.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
For Christmas just about every year I would go to Victoria Secret and get my wife a gift card. My being the physical person her being heartfelt gifts. What was I doing wrong in buying this gift?
Short answer. There was a part of me in that gift. My being the physical guy I wanted to see her in something sexy. What she saw is he is giving me a gift so I can perform for him.
Perceptions.
Now what I want you to do is think back on something your husband did for you but you likely did not respond or appreciate the way he thought you should. Use your new tools and post it here. Yes I am going somewhere with this. It has to be something HE did FOR you and you are really gonna have to think about what was going on in his mind that he missed what you were really looking for. That is the hard part. Good Luck.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I am new to this board....I am about 2 months into the principals of saving my marriage and I am 6 months separated. Sorry the post was confusing and I do appreciate your efforts. I am a tough bird...bartender for long enought to have taken enough sh*t to make me almost bullet proof!!!....but that does not mean that all newcomers are and sorry to say gump, you are derinitely intimadating as would any other LBS that decided not to be overly welcoming to someone new.
FOrrest: I iwll post to you soon here.....big developments and for the better...I think
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
What a night...I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders.
Here is how it all came to be.
Got a new life counsellor today. He called and we talked. He said that I have imporved in leaps and bounds and that I shoudl be very proud of myself. i conquered my greatest fear...that of being alone. From the minute I moved out I was by myself. I worked through being afraid, being lonely, being regretful, learning to cook (aaron always did that [:p] ) getting myself and the kids up in the morning.(some will understanmd the alarm clock reference, others won't!!!) i problem soved, I laughed and cried!!! I am very proud of myself as well. I worked through panic attacks by myself and did alot of soul searching.
THEN I went to see my C..... yeah apparently I need alot of help! LOL! There I talked about the same things. She and I delved into my childhood again and found nothing there that would have caused me to be so fearful...I had a great upbringing. Lots of love, enoght money, food etc.... dont get me wrong, everything I had I worked for (for my dad in a lumber store..so I am familiar with a 2x4!!! LOL again!!)
Aaron and you folks here feel that all the changes I make should be for me! I agree but some people just arent' wired taht way. My C felt it was unrealistic not to acknowledge that the changes for a big part are for my family and that includes aaron. The bettering of myself for me in the process is a bonus. In the end, no matter how I get there or what started my journey I WILL be a better person for it. My life coach said that I am not going to be a better person, I am going to be who I REALLY am...the last 34 years have just been my journey there!!!! My hurting is all apart of my growing.
My C and I talked about what I felt I needed from any future relationship, that I needed to acknowledge this. I told her I needed someone to listen to me when I talk and who will know that I iwll listen when they talk. Someone who will support my emotionally as well as physically (intimacy) and someone who will accept those things from me. someone who will respect my prsonal space and I theirs. someone who cares about me and wants to be cared about by me. Someone who will talk if something is wrong and will listen when I feel there is something wrong and will put in the effort to making things right or better.
My C and I talked about the fact taht the sepe4ration had to happen for the growth we have had to occur but that in seperating mistakes were made. I acknowledge these things.
here comes a big nono.
The second week of July I heard a message. I had never snooped before but I did this nite. I will never forget it. I was lying in bed with tyler and we called her dad to say goodnite. he did not answer. On a whim I entered hiw old bank card pin and it worked. What I heard next made me sick. First there was a saved message from me...I was crying and telling him that he was to have a good weekend and that he knew how nervous I got when he drives on the highway ( I Know I am over that fear now) The next message?:
'hey aaron its me. I cant believe it is only thursday and I miss you already. I love you so much and care about you so much. I had a great time last night and will miss you over the weekend. Have a great time and i'll see you when you get back. Love you'
I almost threw up right then and there. I had been working on myself and never at any time thought that we would not get back together. Then it hit me. I was really losing him and my journey was taking too long.
I told him I heard he was seeing someone and he said where did you hear that. I said throught the grapevine. Well he said there was a girl he was hanging with but that she was just a friend. That was all. I did not believe him. who leaves a msg like that to a friend. She was single and has 2 children. this was DANA.
Fast forward...then he takes his vacation in august..his solo journey for self discovery he takes her. Again, devastated. Hearing about her from my daughter...devastating. Knowing he was over there all the time and did not want to work on us....devastating. So to explain my absolute breakdown in Aug...hearing about her going with. Make sense now. He told me that she was just a friend and that he had made it clear to her that this was the case at the very beginning. He was not interested in relationships other than friendships right now. I tried so hard to believe but what I had heard? He could not understand why I did not trust him. he had never broken my trust before.
At C we talked about this...please note it happened THAT ONCE and not again as the devastation (love that word) was too much and I did not want to know more. I kept throwing it up in the air about telling him what I had done. It might make some of my behaviour more sensical. We went over what could happen on the positive side and what might happen in the negative. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I had broken trust once again and he already has trust issues with me
I did neglect to post that we were on the phone today for 2 hours talking and it was good.
I willpost what happened when I went to his house, unannounced after C......stay tuned
Sorry for the long post...so much to tell...
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
K...So I got to his house and he was stripping the stairs. Hardwood but some genius painted them. He is ambitious. He was surprised to see me but did not seem upset. i asked if I coudl talk to him outside and he looked worried. I had a really rough day. He asked if i was OK and I said I did not know yet. Here is waht I said. I asked him to wait until I was totally done to comment. He said ok and sat down.
I talked to my counsellor today and my life coach and here is what we discussed. I know it does not necessarily jive with all of your philosophies but we are each individuals.
Insert: we have talked about he board before and how we are in control of the advice we take and the advice we dont take and that all the guidelines are good...but have to tailored by each individual to meet needs. we are in agreement about this
back to what I said:
Insert the previous post about what was discussed with C and coach. Then I said...I am about to tell you something that I am very ashamed of. Something I did that i should not have done. You may or may not forgive me but I cannot carry the guilt around anymore. It is making me crazy, behave in ways I do not want to behave and form opionions I do not want to have. He softly told me to go ahead. At this point I have to admit my whole body started to shake. I first said I am so sorry for breaking your trust but......insert the call, the breach of trust, what I heard, what I had thought about our seperation, how I felt so sick, how I panicked, and ensuing odd behavior. Isaid again that I was ashamed and sorry and that I had only done it once.
His reponse:
I understand I have been there.....(thank god) I forgive you..(and he hugged me) That explains alot of what has been going on.
I told him I wanted to be totally honest and to build some trust and that I could not live with carrying that anymore. He said while we were being honest he was going to tell me something.
One time she touched his chest and said something like she would 'do' someone who looked as good as him...(insertmore tears here) That there was nothing going on and he had told her from the start that this was not what he was looking for. Things apparently went along smoothly until last week. She gave him an ultimatum....she wanted to move to the next level and date or that they need to stop bein garound him. He said I told her that it was over then. I told you from the beginning this was not what I was looking for. She overstepped the boundaries and broke his trust. he said he would not be hanging wth her anymore and that tyler would not be talking about her D anymore.
I am glad that he told me but I knew even if he was telling the truth that she as a woman would see things differently (DW?!!!) I said that sleeping in a tent with her, though (maybe) innocent on his part is an intimate thing for a woman.
I told him then thank you for telling me that our being honest was a baby step to us being friends and starting over...fresh slate.
I did then take the opportunity to tell him how proud I was of who he was and who he was becoming. He smiled. I said that I would not push for a reconcilliation now, tomorrow or the next week but that eventually he would have to decide if it was somwthing he wanted to work on. I would love for all of my days but the pain was something I would have to get over and if it took getting over him and the marriage and moving on that is what I would do. Being his friend is the ultimate goal for me now and I am OK with that. He smiled
Then he asked if i still wanted to take the kids apple picking Monday and I said yes, I thought that would be great, and fun. He siad he appreciated all my honesty. There I was standing 'naked in the rain' vulnerable. He knew taht too. We hugged again. It felt soooo good.
I said I had to go get the kids from my moms and got in my car. I have to add that through all this there was some laughter and joking in amongst the seriousness. Thats just who I am.
As I was about to pull away he said 'hey er'....'I'm really proud of you too' booooo-ya!!!!
So that was my night. I have no great expectations...I have hopes...they may be crushed they may come to fruition. I am prepared either way. I dont pretend that it wont hurt or I wont be crushed but I am realistic about hte situation.
And that my friends is ...well....the start of closure!!! (and if not closure but the start of something new ...then...
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
Sandi I hope that you did not take my post personally. I do appreciate your effort. i couldnt tell if the "sorry i interfered" was sarcastic or not. I hope it wasnt. i do appreciate you and am grateful there are people like you out there.
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
Ok I am not really over myself yet. I called it out.. I was missing something. You can read it. It is right here!!!
Somebody learned a lesson here. Now maybe it is my green glasses but I think that the lesson learned was that physical love language. Call me crazy.
Erin slow down a Littlebit. Hold onto that confidence. You still have some walking to do. Answer my question I posted earlier. I was going somewhere with that.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
One night I came home and my H had said theres something upstairs for you. When I got up stairs there wa a trail of fresh rose petals that led to our ensuite bathroom, a tub of hot water with oils and fresh rose petals, candles all around it and soft music playing. Looking back now I know it was just something nice he did but then because of sitch and the fact that there had been no intimacy for quite some time, I felt it was an attempt to seduce me and my bath lasted about 10 mins. I think he was probably VERY hurt with that and it sucks....
that what you were looking for?
M: 34 H: 32 M: almost 6 years S: 2 yrs D: 4 yrs Together: 8 Known him: 15 years I walked away: April 1st Wanted back: May 1st!!!!!
