new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

K...So I got to his house and he was stripping the stairs. Hardwood but some genius painted them. He is ambitious. He was surprised to see me but did not seem upset. i asked if I coudl talk to him outside and he looked worried. I had a really rough day. He asked if i was OK and I said I did not know yet. Here is waht I said. I asked him to wait until I was totally done to comment. He said ok and sat down.

I talked to my counsellor today and my life coach and here is what we discussed. I know it does not necessarily jive with all of your philosophies but we are each individuals.

Insert: we have talked about he board before and how we are in control of the advice we take and the advice we dont take and that all the guidelines are good...but have to tailored by each individual to meet needs. we are in agreement about this

back to what I said:

Insert the previous post about what was discussed with C and coach. Then I said...I am about to tell you something that I am very ashamed of. Something I did that i should not have done. You may or may not forgive me but I cannot carry the guilt around anymore. It is making me crazy, behave in ways I do not want to behave and form opionions I do not want to have. He softly told me to go ahead. At this point I have to admit my whole body started to shake. I first said I am so sorry for breaking your trust but......insert the call, the breach of trust, what I heard, what I had thought about our seperation, how I felt so sick, how I panicked, and ensuing odd behavior. Isaid again that I was ashamed and sorry and that I had only done it once.

His reponse:

I understand I have been there.....(thank god)
I forgive you..(and he hugged me)
That explains alot of what has been going on.

I told him I wanted to be totally honest and to build some trust and that I could not live with carrying that anymore. He said while we were being honest he was going to tell me something.

One time she touched his chest and said something like she would 'do' someone who looked as good as him...(insertmore tears here)
That there was nothing going on and he had told her from the start that this was not what he was looking for. Things apparently went along smoothly until last week. She gave him an ultimatum....she wanted to move to the next level and date or that they need to stop bein garound him. He said I told her that it was over then. I told you from the beginning this was not what I was looking for. She overstepped the boundaries and broke his trust. he said he would not be hanging wth her anymore and that tyler would not be talking about her D anymore.

I am glad that he told me but I knew even if he was telling the truth that she as a woman would see things differently (DW?!!!) I said that sleeping in a tent with her, though (maybe) innocent on his part is an intimate thing for a woman.

I told him then thank you for telling me that our being honest was a baby step to us being friends and starting over...fresh slate.

I did then take the opportunity to tell him how proud I was of who he was and who he was becoming. He smiled. I said that I would not push for a reconcilliation now, tomorrow or the next week but that eventually he would have to decide if it was somwthing he wanted to work on. I would love for all of my days but the pain was something I would have to get over and if it took getting over him and the marriage and moving on that is what I would do. Being his friend is the ultimate goal for me now and I am OK with that. He smiled

Then he asked if i still wanted to take the kids apple picking Monday and I said yes, I thought that would be great, and fun. He siad he appreciated all my honesty. There I was standing 'naked in the rain' vulnerable. He knew taht too. We hugged again. It felt soooo good.

I said I had to go get the kids from my moms and got in my car. I have to add that through all this there was some laughter and joking in amongst the seriousness. Thats just who I am.

As I was about to pull away he said 'hey er'....'I'm really proud of you too' booooo-ya!!!!

So that was my night. I have no great expectations...I have hopes...they may be crushed they may come to fruition. I am prepared either way. I dont pretend that it wont hurt or I wont be crushed but I am realistic about hte situation.

And that my friends is ...well....the start of closure!!! (and if not closure but the start of something new ...then...