The Good, the Bad, and the Funny 4

[LL44]

mk, yes, deep holes. I hope your H can reclaim his daddyhood. I also tell my girls how much their Daddy loves them too. Always the better people, aren't we?

[Reincarnated]

{{{mk}}} hearing stories like that makes us worry because we still care, someplace deep inside of us. That is ok, and ok that you are recognizing that we can have a level of caring without letting WAS's actions and emotions pull us down with them.

[nephartiti]

Infedelity is so rampant it is disgusting. It is so hard to hear all these stories. It is just so sad, and here we are living through them. In a few years we will be looking back remembering these times as possibly some of the hardest we will ever experience. We will all get through this. No matter what, we will thrive because we have decided to thrive. As for our spouses, we all know they have to live their lives. All we can do is set good examples, be loving and understanding, and carry on. At least we have each other

"Things are getting desperate
when all the boys can't be men
everybody knows I'm her friend
everbody knows I'm her man" -- Tori Amos (Rasberry Swirl)

[mkultra]

I know. I remember the first time my Abuelita told me and my mother about how she was alone raising three boys in Mexico. My Grandfather left after their daughter died as a toddler. He later secretly married a younger mistress and had a secret family and named the new baby with the same name as the daughter who died to my Grandmother. My father found that sister recently, about the same time I got married. Secret life, secret family. Missing love child.
This MLC stuff is ancient.
It is mammalian.
We need to evolve, man.
Should we just train ourselves to be part of a pride of lions and share males? This is ridiculous.

[SallyM]

wow, mk. wow.

I don't have a history of infidelity in my family. my sister had an affair 5 years ago, but was able to come out of her fog and save her marriage and they are stronger than ever. I don't know anyone else who has. the closest would be my grandfather, who didn't have an affair per se, rather fathered a child out of wedlock before meeting my grandmother. this was a deep dark secret until after his death about 12 years ago when it came out. my mom is one of 6 kids, half wanted to meet their half sister, half didn't. the half that did eventually tracked her down, and 2 were able to even meet her before her death last year.

my own H used to be so scandalized by the people in his company who had affairs. he knew them all, it all worked its way around the gossip mill, which is why I was so suprised that he thinks his is a big dark secret. guessing more people knew than he realized.

[mkultra]

Thatresult of your sister's reconciliation is probably a good source of positivity for you . No wonder you are so good at this.

[SallyM]

actually, mk, I'm not sure it was good for me. I think I expected everything in my marriage to be repaired like it was in hers...it was almost like I had a checklist of what worked to get hers back on track, and when H didn't act just like my sister did, it shocked me.

my friend had an EA and ended up leaving her H and is very, very happily married to her current H. her current one is the one she had her child with, and who I see her with for life. she tried to work things out with her ex, but he was in no way willing to listen/change/address any issues they had. finally she just checked out. I think I need to accept that H is more like her. even though I'm not like her ex, I think he really is that far gone.

[mkultra]

I wish DB was actually more prominent in our society. I think most people root for marriages to work out but also most people give wives the advice to kick cheating husbands to the curb and upgrade. I get a lot of messages to find a better, richer, more handsome man. I rarely get the message to wait for my H to come back home. I knew this would be the case so I tried to keep my sitch private but it eventually got out that I was "available". Which in my heart, I am not. I also see that many men that are dating at my age have already been married and the same issues seem to arise. The issues of parenting, sex starved Rs, lack of communication, etc. What makes peopele think they can start over without the same issues?

I honestly do think I could more successful with my H than with someone new and that really saddens me because he is so rude to me. He crossed the line a looongtime ago. My BFF was shocked that a man would call me a B. She said a man has never called her that. I have never been struck by a man, and she acted like it was that shocking. As strong women, we just are not familiar with battered wives. I felt like crap admitting it, even now.

[Reincarnated]

I think the thing we have to be careful of is how much we are willing to put up with. This came up in my IC this week. In his frustration of my not letting go, H has cursed at me and hurt me like I have never imagined him treating ANYone, let alone me! I was the one he loved and protected most in the world, right? It is so shocking to me when it happens, I often freeze like a deer caught in headlights--and am that passive to what abuse I would be willing to take at that moment. I have actually had flashes of thought that if he would just beat me, get all of the anger out over how he felt I treated him, then he could finally forgive me and come back.

That is a VERY dangerous and self-damaging mindset to find yourself in. And I don't ever want to be there again. There was literally nothing that I didn't consider in my trying to get H to consider me again. Unhealthy.

At some point, we have to realize that throwing away your worth and self-esteem, or letting them strip you of it, will not bring them home--it makes you appear weak, dependent, needy, and pathetic. It grosses them out.

And this is coming from someone who most likely did all of that and more, sealing it in H's heart that he would never come back to that. He TOLD me that he found it unattractive, that my needing him was so unfair to him.

My impulsiveness screwed me--consider this a caution, and DON'T go there!

[nephartiti]

I wish DB was actually more prominent in our society. I think most people root for marriages to work out but also most people give wives the advice to kick cheating husbands to the curb and upgrade. I get a lot of messages to find a better, richer, more handsome man. I rarely get the message to wait for my H to come back home.

Yes, I know what you mean, MK. I am so sick of hearing how "resilient" kids are and how I can do better. Sorry, but I know from experience (being a kid from a broken home and S9 with H as stepdad) that kids do best with their biological parents. No one is going to love my kids like their father. Unfortunately, these same people will condone the A and accept that if H was no longer in love then it is understandable to want to be with this new person and be happy. I can hear H's brother and sister saying that they support his decision. It's not good for the kids to be in a home where the parents are unhappy. H has to take care of himself and make himself happy.

Can you believe that blended families are now the norm? I hate that I am being pushed toward this against my will. If H and I D, I am not planning on looking for someone else. I will raise my kids and look for companionship when they are grown. I'm not complicating things any more. BTDT.

Sorry for the high jack, MK.