new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

What a night...I feel as though the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders.

Here is how it all came to be.

Got a new life counsellor today. He called and we talked. He said that I have imporved in leaps and bounds and that I shoudl be very proud of myself. i conquered my greatest fear...that of being alone. From the minute I moved out I was by myself. I worked through being afraid, being lonely, being regretful, learning to cook (aaron always did that [:p] ) getting myself and the kids up in the morning.(some will understanmd the alarm clock reference, others won't!!!) i problem soved, I laughed and cried!!! I am very proud of myself as well. I worked through panic attacks by myself and did alot of soul searching.

THEN I went to see my C..... yeah apparently I need alot of help! LOL!
There I talked about the same things. She and I delved into my childhood again and found nothing there that would have caused me to be so fearful...I had a great upbringing. Lots of love, enoght money, food etc.... dont get me wrong, everything I had I worked for (for my dad in a lumber store..so I am familiar with a 2x4!!! LOL again!!)

Aaron and you folks here feel that all the changes I make should be for me! I agree but some people just arent' wired taht way. My C felt it was unrealistic not to acknowledge that the changes for a big part are for my family and that includes aaron. The bettering of myself for me in the process is a bonus. In the end, no matter how I get there or what started my journey I WILL be a better person for it. My life coach said that I am not going to be a better person, I am going to be who I REALLY am...the last 34 years have just been my journey there!!!! My hurting is all apart of my growing.

My C and I talked about what I felt I needed from any future relationship, that I needed to acknowledge this. I told her I needed someone to listen to me when I talk and who will know that I iwll listen when they talk. Someone who will support my emotionally as well as physically (intimacy) and someone who will accept those things from me. someone who will respect my prsonal space and I theirs. someone who cares about me and wants to be cared about by me. Someone who will talk if something is wrong and will listen when I feel there is something wrong and will put in the effort to making things right or better.

My C and I talked about the fact taht the sepe4ration had to happen for the growth we have had to occur but that in seperating mistakes were made. I acknowledge these things.

here comes a big nono.

The second week of July I heard a message. I had never snooped before but I did this nite. I will never forget it. I was lying in bed with tyler and we called her dad to say goodnite. he did not answer. On a whim I entered hiw old bank card pin and it worked. What I heard next made me sick. First there was a saved message from me...I was crying and telling him that he was to have a good weekend and that he knew how nervous I got when he drives on the highway ( I Know I am over that fear now) The next message?:

'hey aaron its me. I cant believe it is only thursday and I miss you already. I love you so much and care about you so much. I had a great time last night and will miss you over the weekend. Have a great time and i'll see you when you get back. Love you'

I almost threw up right then and there. I had been working on myself and never at any time thought that we would not get back together. Then it hit me. I was really losing him and my journey was taking too long.

I told him I heard he was seeing someone and he said where did you hear that. I said throught the grapevine. Well he said there was a girl he was hanging with but that she was just a friend. That was all. I did not believe him. who leaves a msg like that to a friend. She was single and has 2 children. this was DANA.

Fast forward...then he takes his vacation in august..his solo journey for self discovery he takes her. Again, devastated. Hearing about her from my daughter...devastating. Knowing he was over there all the time and did not want to work on us....devastating. So to explain my absolute breakdown in Aug...hearing about her going with. Make sense now. He told me that she was just a friend and that he had made it clear to her that this was the case at the very beginning. He was not interested in relationships other than friendships right now. I tried so hard to believe but what I had heard? He could not understand why I did not trust him. he had never broken my trust before.

At C we talked about this...please note it happened THAT ONCE and not again as the devastation (love that word) was too much and I did not want to know more. I kept throwing it up in the air about telling him what I had done. It might make some of my behaviour more sensical. We went over what could happen on the positive side and what might happen in the negative. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I had broken trust once again and he already has trust issues with me

I did neglect to post that we were on the phone today for 2 hours talking and it was good.

I willpost what happened when I went to his house, unannounced after C......stay tuned

Sorry for the long post...so much to tell...