My need to control actually has helped me be a better teacher in the classroom management sense--I have to manipulate kids all the time to get them to do what has to be done to keep them on task, and to keep the classroom a condusive work environment. Not so great when it goes on autopilot with everyone else, though. One of my new goals is to be aware of that in myself, and stop.
(if he's done this multiple times POST separation, however... now would seem like the time to let him clean up his own mess)
This might be the key.
I just don't know what you should do! Have you ever talked to your therapist about it? What would your sister have done if her H approached her to offer to help? I am so sorry I am at a loss.
(if he's done this multiple times POST separation, however... now would seem like the time to let him clean up his own mess)
only once or twice pre-separation, many years ago. most of what I am refering to is that he has done it several times post separation, the last time being 2 weeks ago (if I remember correctly) and it was particularly bad. I talked to my therapist and to my best friend that night (a therapist, not my therapist) about what I should do. at this point, the both told me he needs to do this on his own. I can be there to listen, but really, he needs someone else to do this with. I can't be this person for him right now. not meaning wife, meaning person who can help him deal with his issues. I can help him find someone to talk to if he wants me to, but as my friend put it, I need to hand him back his pain and let him deal with it.
I am going to talk to my friend about this tomorrow. she had a late client and I didn't want to call her tonight, figuring she was probably already fried after a long day.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
That was what I seem to have remembered. What happened as far as his interactions with you after your support? Did it bring him closer, do nothing, or push him more away?
thanks, donna. my not approaching him/trying to make it better/even just to listen/nurture is a huge 180. I don't know what is right or wrong, just going with my gut tonight...as much as my heart wanted to open my arms and let him pour his heart out.
it did help that he didn't look quite so depressed when I got home tonight. the kids were in bed, and he was out on the porch smoking. he took up smoking (which I can't stand) when he started the affair with ow, btw. anyway, I don't know for sure that he would have poured his heart out by this time. likely he would have, but maybe not. and for all I know its not for the reasons I think it is (missing the kids, feeling messed up, etc). it could just be that he was hungover from too much beer at the sox game, not enough sleep from being out/up late, missing ow because he's been over here so many nights this week, and having to face the weekend without her.
again, I'm not going to speculate (although I suppose I just did, lol).
I love him. he knows I do. hell, I just told him so 2 weeks ago during his breakdown then. he knows I am here for him and will help him if he wants me to. the problem is he has to want me to, and he can't quite accept that he does want me to, or else he really doesn't want me to.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
That was what I seem to have remembered. What happened as far as his interactions with you after your support? Did it bring him closer, do nothing, or push him more away?
the next day he fell apart again, and I did what my friend and therapist both recommended. which was listen, but let him have his pain, not try to fix it myself. I asked him (exactly how they told me to) if it would help talking to an IC again. he just left his, but never really did anything with it...spent his sessions bitching about me I think, did no work, had a bad fit for a therapist on top of it. so he hasn't had the same therapy I have had, to say the least. anyway, he said no, he didn't want to talk to anyone, that he'd done therapy and it was a waste of time. I let that be...he has to want it on his own. I told him if he changed his mind, i'd be happy to help him find someone new. I told him to take care of himself.
and that was that. he went away to vegas, came back with a different mindset...a weekend away with your ow will do that I suppose. he got a bit pissy/annoying with me last week about me not telling him everything about my private life, and re-set the original bounderies of not talking about social lives and such, that I needed that to try to detach from him, etc, etc.
these breakdowns do not bring him closer to me, I'm discovering. but at least the time I'm talking about here was better, because I didn't try to fix things for him. and now, I'm stepping back even further. who knows, maybe tomorrow when I see him I'll ask how he is doing. we shall see. like I said, I'll talk to my friend.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
His happiness or his depression is not your responsibility. You are not his mother. If he is acting like a child, he does not need any further enabling. You can show him unconditional love. But do not pursue any further contact. Let him initiate positive interaction. Of course he will realize how he threw away a lot. It is very sad. But it is his issue and he needs to take accountability for his own mental health. Your positive loving nature can be a model but don't get sucked into his issues. Ugh. I hate to see any mother of twins go through this. I have already witnessed this twice, once across the street and once in my own extended family. It was never written in the Twin Handbook that the Dads would bail like this!!!
mk, that is what I am thinking, that i am enabling him to a huge degree. everything you wrote here is what I think is dead on.
its sad when any mother (or father) goes thru this, not just parents of multiples. hell, I figured if we survived the first year of their life, everything else would be cake. guess I was wrong.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hi Morgan. Personally, I do not think you should offer your H help. However, I don't think you should avoid him either. If you can, you should remain open so that you are approachable so that he can come to you if he chooses to. Detavh so that his actions, comments,, moods do not create such a response from you. However, ideally, you do not want to withdraw so that there is no chance for connection. However, again, you must take care of you first. So, if you are burned out and can not be there for him without compromising your well being, then creating a boundary is healthy and appropriate. Hope this makes sense.
Take care. I think a call or e-mail at this point would be pursuing, btw. A non-expecting comment in the moment might have been courteous, but by know means required. The way I see it, your H is in an R with someone else at the moment, even if it is temporary like I believe it is, it is not your place at this time unless he asks you for it. Even then you are not obligated. Remember, when the ow is responsible to fulfill all his needs, it puts strain on the A. You want to give a taste of what you have to offer, but leave him wanting more, still hungry. I bet OW isn't baking those apple pies...
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Empathy is a huge thing, Morgan. It shows unconditional love. You already have that in you. You have been there with open arms. Let him come to you. Don't push him away. Just don't offer anything. Let him make the move to getting closer to you. Not physically, neccessarily. Agree, without expectations. Remember your goal is for him to come home so you can start Piecing, right? Is that still your goal? What a roller coaster. Maybe the fog is clearing and reality is opening him up to his consequences. Tread carefully.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
