I think the thing we have to be careful of is how much we are willing to put up with. This came up in my IC this week. In his frustration of my not letting go, H has cursed at me and hurt me like I have never imagined him treating ANYone, let alone me! I was the one he loved and protected most in the world, right? It is so shocking to me when it happens, I often freeze like a deer caught in headlights--and am that passive to what abuse I would be willing to take at that moment. I have actually had flashes of thought that if he would just beat me, get all of the anger out over how he felt I treated him, then he could finally forgive me and come back.
That is a VERY dangerous and self-damaging mindset to find yourself in. And I don't ever want to be there again. There was literally nothing that I didn't consider in my trying to get H to consider me again. Unhealthy.
At some point, we have to realize that throwing away your worth and self-esteem, or letting them strip you of it, will not bring them home--it makes you appear weak, dependent, needy, and pathetic. It grosses them out.
And this is coming from someone who most likely did all of that and more, sealing it in H's heart that he would never come back to that. He TOLD me that he found it unattractive, that my needing him was so unfair to him.
My impulsiveness screwed me--consider this a caution, and DON'T go there!
