Just wanted to tell you I'm thinking about you and glad to see you're staying focused. When I get more time I'll post you some more thoughts -- for now just wanted you to know that I'm still here and following you.
[ramble-tastic! i know i might go over stuff that i've already said, but in these long hours of work I need to find some comfort!]
I know there's some stuff in Divorce Remedy, but are there any good threads here on the "how the heck to survive what seems like a 99.999% probablility your marriage is over, but still hold onto that little bit of hope, without driving yourself totally nuts" topic?
I ask, because while I know there's the Get A Life approach - I unfortunately work too much to apply that very well. My work schedule and my jobs are part of what led me to being self-loathing and thus unloading on my wife and friends. Even though I'm all well-educated and such, I'm stuck in two jobs I hate just to bring in the money. Sun,Tues, Wed, Thurs are typically 12 hour days.
Getting home at 9pm and having to get up at 7am leaves me with little ambition/ability to get out and do stuff. I usually end up spending 2 hours on the couch, talking with my roommates, catching the Daily Show, then going to sleep.
So I have alot of time to think (even when I make myself stop, it comes back) about things. Like that she's looking at apartments and has said that "it broke" - meaning her desire to make the relationship work.
That mostly came from the concern that my anger issues would never be fully resolved and that they might come back when we have kids. That, and she was very wounded when I didn't trust her, until she told me she wasn't having a PA.
My only real goal is to persuade her (through actions, mostly - words sometimes) that our marriage CAN be saved and worked on. If we were just dating/engaged, I would give up easier. But those vows I took were me saying I'd walk through Hell for her and for this marriage.
Her willingness to work on this "broke" on 9/14/07. I need to coax it back. To do that, I need to be in a good place - which means Getting A Life.
I think I'm doing OK on working on my anger/self-worth issues. It's the marriage thing I'm so in limbo on.
I think I'm doing OK on working on my anger/self-worth issues. It's the marriage thing I'm so in limbo on.
I went e-book crazy over the summer and I've been reskimming them recently. Almost all have the same basic approach and they ALL say some variation of:
Here it is -- the number one marriage-saving secret you absolutely must know: You Have to Have Respect for Yourself Before Your Marriage Can Blossom and Flourish.
That's from Nancy Wasson. Again, everything I've read has said some variation of that, but that's my favorite way that it's been said.
At any rate, my point -- working on you IS working on your M.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Not sure "coax" is the operative word. It makes me wonder whether you can somehow talk her into trying again. She wasn't really trying before-just going through the motions. She has to come to you of her own initiative and say, "I'd like to give it another shot". The kicker is that you can't talk her into this...you can only hope she sees your changes and likes what she sees.
About your GAL question. One problem, and probably one that will persist in your marriage if you don't do something about it, is that you work too much. I understand the need, but if you are unhappy with your work situation, have no kids, and at least for the moment have no wife (and thus no responsibility to help her get into a house....I suggest opening your own account with your pay in it...she shouldn't continue to have access to it), now is the perfect time to look at what else is out there that may be more fulfilling and give you less of a strenuous work schedule.
As I mentioned above, she's insistent on getting a divorce. There is no reason that you need to keep a joint banking account with her. If you don't have kids together, then there is no reason to give her money. You are just two single people and she's going to have to make it on her own since she wants out so bad.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Right now, I do have my own account. Our paychecks are deposited into our respective personal accounts, and we would transfer over all of our joint expenses (rent, food, gas, utilities, car payment) into the joint account, and have a little personal money for stuff like DVD's and whatever. We were just starting to combine finances more, too. @_@
As for my GAL - I'm really searching for another job that'll get me the cash I need to make my expenses, but not make me work 12 hour days. Especailly if it's in education. That'd rock.
I'm going to try and show her through my actions that I've changed. But I also think I might have to end up talking to her about her will to work on the relationship breaking, and let her know that while I understand it's scary, I think we can make it.
You won't have to "end up talking to her about her will to work on the relationship". She doesn't care if you think it will work. She knows you think that already...you mentioned that above. Repeating it over and over isn't going to help. You can state your personal opinion once or twice, but after that, you are going to have to assume she knows your thoughts on that. As I keep saying, you CAN NOT talk her into it...even if you acknowledge it's scary.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
As I keep saying, you CAN NOT talk her into it...even if you acknowledge it's scary.
Me
*sigh* I know. And I won't actually try and talk to her about "it working" - at least not for quite awhile (couple months).
But the near-total lack of communication makes her seeing the GAL changes hard. We see eachother at work for 1 hour on Sunday, and 4.5 on Tuesday, and that's it. While there, since we work with children, we have to have "professional mode" on. So there's not a chance for her to see the "GAL Me".
