There and Back, #8

[Dom R]

not sure I can handle having him come here to actually see the kids, though. I'm not. I will lose it if I see him, and that is NOT a good idea, right?

I would suggest not writing off the whole day, just because of a "what if".

you probably wont. but even if you do.. it's not the end of the world.
If you were a GUY, it would be sad. But one of the last vestiges of the old gender doublestandard is: if a woman breaks down into a teary mess, either at a wedding, or on an anniversary date:
A guy will think, "oh well, she's just being a woman"

aint nothing wrong with that.

[LL44]

morgan, how are you tonight?

[SallyM]

hey all!

back from a night at S5's school. H watched the kids while I went (he didn't want to, since it wasn't actual teacher/parent conferences). when he got here I was really worried...he had that look on his face. no, not that look. I didn't have to fight him off or anything. instead, it was the "my life is a mess, I'm so sad, everything is against me, I think I'll eat worms" look. I called my sister after I left the house and said I was starting to wonder if I should put him on a suicide watch, he looked so sad. seriously. which just hurts my heart because my instinct is to make it all better.

I did not comment on it, and wondered as I headed to S5's school whether or not I should...and if so, what I should say. I am amazed at how affected I am by his sadness, and how nurturing I want to be, even though he has been callous when I have been hurting. such is the difference between us, I suppose.

anyway, I went to the school night and did a lot of thinking during the presentations. my H is missing out on so much. and I started getting angry...its all stuff he has brought on himself. he has to be the one to dig out of it, I can't do it for him. He needs to do it, and needs to want to do it. and he may never...he may really like his life, just get sad about certain aspects of it. who knows. I stopped myself there...stopped trying to figure out why he is sad, why he is preoccupied, why he looks so depressed tonight.

when I got home, I pretty much avoided looking at him. I know that isn't very kind, but I can't handle an emotional breakdown from him right now. maybe that's wrong, I don't know. maybe I should be there to just listen and such. but I honestly think he needs more than me for this.

I just don't know what to do. I suppose because the reality is there is nothing for me to do here. any thoughts?

so that's my night. I have to say, I did not have one single breakdown today...so maybe 2 tomorrow! lol.

[Dom R]

when I got home, I pretty much avoided looking at him. I know that isn't very kind, but I can't handle an emotional breakdown from him right now. maybe that's wrong, I don't know. maybe I should be there to just listen and such. but I honestly think he needs more than me for this.

I just don't know what to do. I suppose because the reality is there is nothing for me to do here. any thoughts?

My thoughts are: he does need you.
except if you "cant handle an emotional breakdown from him".

Advance warning: I'm going to be pushy with you.



What's the deal here?
Do you want to be his wife, or not?
Are you willing to live up to the job description?

What if there was no bomb, no separation...and he was "going to have an emotional breakdown" ? Could you handle him then?

If you want to be a true wife, then you need to pull yourself together, and be there for your husband, when he needs you. Is that not true?


thats the most important part of marriage: sticking together, supporting each other, when things are rough! emotionally rough most of all.

here's the thing: you actually have it easy. because odds are, he wont want to talk to you.
All you have to say, is something like, "you look really sad. if you want someone to talk to, i'll listen to you".

and then, just listen, if he choses to.

The toughest part, will probably be to just keep your mouth closed, and keep listening

Seems to me, like you are avoiding some major potential positives in your marital relationship, just because of fear.
First, the potential anniversary date. and now, the possibility of him opening up to you.

Maybe it's a good time for you to change that about yourself.
To stop hiding out of fear.

[LL44]

Holy toledo. I had a whole other thought process about this, but I think Dom is right on. Its really not hard on your side, since all you will have to do is say something like he suggested and let it lie.

I can totally see where the anger comes from, but maybe Dom is right, to put it to the side and try to care for your hurting husband. Even though he has hurt you beyond belief.

I am thinking about you. When do you see him next? Do you know for sure he is at his mom's tonight without OW? I guess you could call him and say "I noticed you seemed a bit down tonight. Let me know if you want to talk about anything, I'm here".

[SallyM]

so you both think I should have gone ahead and asked how he was/what was wrong?

I'm trying my hardest to detach from this man, and damn, this kind of stuff keeps me so roped in. I'm not sure its healthy for me, hence the avoidance.

tonight he went home to OW's. tomorrow I will see him when he takes the kids for the weekend. I suppose I could call him now. or better, maybe should e-mail him?

do you really think this is wise at all? I just went thru the "I don't want to know about your personal life/ don't ask about mine" conversation again. will that cross on my own boundery?

eta, dom, not sure how much you know of my story, but trust me, I have been there for each and every emotional breakdown this man has had. I have been there, I have listened/supported/tried to help with each and every one.

you are dead right, btw, that the hardest part for me will be to shut up and just listen. I am getting better at it, but wow, is it hard.

[mkultra]

His happiness or his depression is not your responsibility. You are not his mother. If he is acting like a child, he does not need any further enabling. You can show him unconditional love. But do not pursue any further contact. Let him initiate positive interaction. Of course he will realize how he threw away a lot. It is very sad. But it is his issue and he needs to take accountability for his own mental health. Your positive loving nature can be a model but don't get sucked into his issues. Ugh. I hate to see any mother of twins go through this. I have already witnessed this twice, once across the street and once in my own extended family. It was never written in the Twin Handbook that the Dads would bail like this!!!

[Dom R]

I'm trying my hardest to detach from this man, and damn, this kind of stuff keeps me so roped in. I'm not sure its healthy for me, hence the avoidance.

here's the thing: detaching, is not the same as not caring.
That's why it's tricky.
"not caring" == "giving up"


"detaching" [in the i actually want my marriage back sense] == overlooking, or "forgiving without being asked", the bad stuff.
[as well as dropping expectations, or neediness, that he "must come back"]

to put it at its utmost.. you might say that detaching, is actually pure selfless love. To be willing to act lovingly, without getting ANYTHING back.. and even worse, getting treated like #### in return.

That's why it is so hard.

That is also why "detaching" is not the same thing as "going dark".

in contrast, "going dark", is getting nothing, and GIVING nothing either.

I suppose I could call him now. or better, maybe should e-mail him?

do you really think this is wise at all?

i dont think so..
i think the moment has probably passed. but that being said.. i dont know your husband. you would ideally be the best judge about it.

I have been there for each and every emotional breakdown this man has had. I have been there, I have listened/supported/tried to help with each and every one.

ah. interesting.
pre or post separation?

if pre-separation.... maybe he is looking to lean on you again.
Which, in my opinion, could be a positive thing.

it could be the first brick, in building a bridge between you again.


(if he's done this multiple times POST separation, however... now would seem like the time to let him clean up his own mess)

[Dom R]

It was never written in the Twin Handbook that the Dads would bail like this!!!

Actually, it is. although it's not always the dads that "bail".

divorce rate for parents of "multiple", is much, much higher, than the already abysmal national divorce rate.

[Reincarnated]

morgan--

This is hard to answer...I think you should look it up in DB/DR again, just to be sure.

One thing--

You have been supportive of him when he has had these breakdowns. Looking at it systematically, has it gotten you any closer to your goals? Has it changed the way he treats you at other times? Does it bring him any closer? Or does he pull away more? I can't recall, but I am sure you know...

If things stay the same, you may want to stick with it for a while and see if change eventually happens, one way or another. If they worsen, do a 180 and change your response--if you were nurturing, stop. See if he starts to pout around you even more, or changes tactics (hopefully to a more positive one around you...?)

I know kids that seek attention, ANY attention, even negative attention. If he changes tactics on you (from pouting to anger toward you, etc.), he may be seeking more attention from you...
but I wouldn't give it to him when he is being negative--that reinforces that behavior. Try to give more attention when he is acting like you would hope to see--normal, or cordial, or friendly, etc.

Anyway, that is child-behavior management from an elem teacher standpoint--not sure if you can apply any of that to your H. At least another viewpoint to think about.