There and Back, #8

[SallyM]

hey all!

back from a night at S5's school. H watched the kids while I went (he didn't want to, since it wasn't actual teacher/parent conferences). when he got here I was really worried...he had that look on his face. no, not that look. I didn't have to fight him off or anything. instead, it was the "my life is a mess, I'm so sad, everything is against me, I think I'll eat worms" look. I called my sister after I left the house and said I was starting to wonder if I should put him on a suicide watch, he looked so sad. seriously. which just hurts my heart because my instinct is to make it all better.

I did not comment on it, and wondered as I headed to S5's school whether or not I should...and if so, what I should say. I am amazed at how affected I am by his sadness, and how nurturing I want to be, even though he has been callous when I have been hurting. such is the difference between us, I suppose.

anyway, I went to the school night and did a lot of thinking during the presentations. my H is missing out on so much. and I started getting angry...its all stuff he has brought on himself. he has to be the one to dig out of it, I can't do it for him. He needs to do it, and needs to want to do it. and he may never...he may really like his life, just get sad about certain aspects of it. who knows. I stopped myself there...stopped trying to figure out why he is sad, why he is preoccupied, why he looks so depressed tonight.

when I got home, I pretty much avoided looking at him. I know that isn't very kind, but I can't handle an emotional breakdown from him right now. maybe that's wrong, I don't know. maybe I should be there to just listen and such. but I honestly think he needs more than me for this.

I just don't know what to do. I suppose because the reality is there is nothing for me to do here. any thoughts?

so that's my night. I have to say, I did not have one single breakdown today...so maybe 2 tomorrow! lol.