So, here's the idea for karen, along with the "why":

Karen, your husband ostensibly cares about you. He does caring things for you (to some degree). However, for whatever reason, he does not currently include sex in that category of things.

You could spend a whoole lot of time and effort trying to figure out "why"... or you could focus on encouraging him to change it.
The "Solution Based" option, would be focusing him on encouraging him to change it.
So, here's my idea, along those lines.

he is apparently sex phobic, or sex resistant (except once a year, on vacation, when "he wants sex now ;\) ) so.... see how wide this resistant area is.
Then see if it can be gradually shrunk.

Ask him for a fixed amount of time, for a massage.
Pick some part of your body, that you would enjoy getting attention on, that is NON-sexual. back, neck, shoulders, whatever.
Then, ask him very nicely, "Honey, would you rub my neck for about 15 minutes? I'd really appreciate it".

a few days later, ask for the same thing. or maybe another area.
same amount of time, just something else nice for you.

Nothing too long... long enough to make it enjoyable for you, but short enough that he will willingly do it.


If he is repeatedly grudging even about a simple massage, then the general concept fails.
Ideally, if he is kinda reluctant the first time... the non-sexualness of it.. and the fact that you do NOT ask him for sex at any point, may help him be relaxed for the next time.

If he's resentful and reluctant every time, for 4 separate times when you try it in a non-demanding non-sexual way... then go see a sex therapist :-P


But otherwise... hopefully, he should get to the point where he is willingly, and unreservedly giving you "physical attention".
Your responsability will be to be appreciative of him, without being seductive.

After MANY of these (probably at least 4, that he has shown no signs of reluctance or reservation whatsoever...possibly more, if you think it is a good idea) ask him for 15 minutes of attention, but this time, for your "chest". Specifically ask him to rub you there.
If he agrees.. do NOT ask him for anything further during that session. you might show him a LITTLE vocal sexual appreciation (since you'll probably be indicating that you are "happy" one way or another ;\) )
but in no way indicate that you are wanting or expecting intercourse from this.
Just enjoy exactly what he is giving you, and no more.
This should encourage him to give in "limited" amounts, without feeling resentful about you expecting more from him than he feels like giving.

It would actually be a GOOD thing, if he suddenly makes a sulky remark about "i guess you're expecting sex now...". To which the appropriate reply is, "nope! I'm just really enjoying what you are doing, dear"


Do you understand why I'm suggesting this?
It's to draw out his "giver", very very gently, and make him feel comfortable, and happy, about giving to you.

If he keeps doing this sort of thing for you, then;

best case: he stops being so selfish, and starts actually enjoying giving to you physically
worst case: he at least gets retrained to being physically nice to you, without the "suffering" attitude.

If he starts getting resentful about rubbing your "chest" the first time, you might choose to respond with, "oh well, if you're going to be all sulky about it, then rub my feet for me instead" or something like that.

Then ask for it again, another time. maybe with an upfront declaration of "I'm not looking for sex. I'd just like you to rub my chest.

The long-term goal is:

Either he gets attuned to "Yes, giving positive physical attention to Karen is something that I can and should give to her without being sulky"
OR
you then get to confront him directly about, "you were perfectly happy and comfortable giving my physical attention on my ..... so why do you get all resentful and nasty if I ask you to rub my boobies instead??"



In other words:

If he's just selfish and lazy, this should retrain him
If he's got serious issues around physical intimacy with you that he cant get over, this will give you the foundation you need, to make him admit that he has a problem that is specifically sexual in nature, and possibly go to counselling for it.
He could still refuse, of course. But at minimum, you then have a much clearer picture about "lazy, or 'issues'?"

Right now, i think you can only guess as to which one it is.

Last edited by Dom R; 10/04/07 09:46 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle