Well, the thing is, xh is always playing rescuer...often to the detriment of our M in the past. (Well, when there was one.) At first I was like, ok, he's just helping a friend. But he has this need to do it with new friends, or wants to seek out and make friends with all of these 'women in need'. He has a history of dating them afterwards, and then getting irritated because they're needy and insecure. It drives me crazy. A childhood friend or a relative in need...those are things I understand. But, more often than not, these are women he's 'picking up' via chance encounters or from a single conversation. (I'm sure it's about making himself feel strong in comparison...)
He literally jumped on a plane and flew across the country right before Thanksgiving a couple of years ago because one of his coworkers 'needed' him. Again...not a long-term friend or anything. We had plans for me to cook at his family's house, and he completely disregarded that to go flying off to help her. His response was the holiday 'wasn't important to him', so it didn't matter what I thought. Do they talk now? No.
And, he gets more emotionally 'hooked' than just a concerned friend. The few pieces I've snooped or encountered between xh and JD are ILY's and other such nonsense.
More often than not, six months or so down the road, he's not even talking to these people anymore. Like I said, it's not a long-term, deep friendship where the crisis is immediate and usually short-term. It's like he's looking for the drama.
Okay...rant over...
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Maybe if you let your defenses down and let H nearer you may have a pleasant surprise? Still keeping expectations to 0 but hopes high?
I think I've been doing better at this. Yesterday I was pretty weepy (monthly hormone fairy), and he proceeded to call me several random times during the day to cheer me up. It was very sweet. I made sure to thank him.
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Can you not talk to H about resentment?
I don't think I do a very good job of it. I suspect I come across as angry and accusatory, so I tend to kick it around in my head until I can find an appropriate time and way to say it.
I think the biggest thing for me isn't just that he was emotionally unavailable during my pregnancy. I actually kind of figured he would be...he doesn't always handle medical stuff so well. It's that he left the marriage completely and proceeded to hang around some little self-centered 21-year-old all the time.
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But I have had to let go of that because I can't change it. We reacted at the time, rightly or wrongly, blame hormones.
I know this. I really do. But it's good to be reminded of it.
