Stories don't always end

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Beingme,

just caught up some on your thread as I've been seeing your posts for awhile now. I'm in piecing and have a 26 y/marriage. I've related to some of your sitch, particularly the focus on H's career and in many ways probably allowed it too great a role in the family's happiness. You know, despite my h's schooling/training/profession, in the end it IS just a job. Seriously. And I noticed that many of your activities for GAL are solitary. I wondered if you could add one that involves meeting more people? Have you noticed whether the reading and writing you do also revolves around your H or the M itself? See, that may come off as a bit smothering, or at least not true GAL since it is still all about him/his feelings/the M.

Does this make sense? I don't mean to carp but in this regard you remind me of my younger sister and when her M did end, (and yours may not, by any means) my sister was empty. She had no identity outside her relationships with her family. Thus, when a relationship ended, part of her died and not much was left behind.

Remember that we are models for our children. No matter what a man (spouse etc) does to us, or when he is away, we still live. We can't let other's choices ruin OUR lives. IF we do, we have zero control over our happiness and that can't be God's will.


We cannot let our pain become emotionally fatal nor allow it to go on indefinitely. Our pain must end and we have to end it. I say this b/c I have 3 kids including a 10 year old and because of her, there were days I had to really pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward.....forward motion....maintain forward motion....etc.
Someday each of our children will face a setback or betrayal, and they'll recall seeing the way we handled our body blows.

They watch us more than we realize, no matter what their age. I also agree that for many men, and maybe women too, "working on the M" means not filing for divorce or leaving. But in some ways I think that's because they want US (the LBSer) to "do" the action, to take responsibility for the M or its' demise. That way they "didn't do anything wrong....". It's cowardly and passive aggressive, or they're totally clueless. I doubt the cause makes much difference. The question is, are YOU alright in this M without effort from him? You cannot assume effort that you don't see. In fact, all you can assume is that you'll get more of the same, UNLESS you do see change.

Can you handle more of the same? What can YOU do for your life? What if your h died and the grief period had subsided? What would you be doing with your time if you weren't spending it thinking about him? Can you do any of those things now? Just asking. Take care, and congrats on the new baby!
j-