Divorced, but still hoping for a miracle

[azhira]

Hey Possible. I don't always have a ton of time to post. Keep writing...others will chime in, too.

I'd say stop trying to contact your WAW right now. She sounds pretty closed off. Your best bet is to let her cool off first. It may take awhile. Sooner or later, she'll peak out to test the waters.

Also, no more contacting OM. No more discussing OM with her. That's just pressure, and will make her run like crazy.

At this point, remember, she is essentially single. If you act like you still have some relationship with her, she will run fast and far. It's time for you to focus on yourself, and let her figure out her own head. At the moment, you can't help her.

Yes, affairs are usually intense, but brief. When left alone, they will generally run their course. Your best best it to just stay out of the trainwreck.

I've observed, as well, that those in walk-away mode shun anyone who doesn't further their fantasy. Family, old friends, whatever... That will pass, too, eventually.

Actually, DR does discuss affairs. There's a lot of good advice in there.

[Possible42]

Thank you Ashira. What is DR?

[azhira]

Sorry. DR is short for 'Divorce Remedy', Michele's book.

[Just_Me]

Possible42,

You asked me to look at your sitch, so here I am. You won't like what I have to say, but it is my honest opinion.

Your marriage is over. You probably know that, but you should probably hear it. That's hard to hear and harder to actually acknowledge as true, isn't it? I lived in the denial of it for quite a while until I realized that I was actually divorced and that more than likely I would never be with my wife/XW again. I reconciled my second marriage, but my first ended and their wasn't even one time where regret was expressed or even alluded to. That's what happens with most divorces....they happen and the relationship (as husband and wife) is truly over.

You can't personally change that possible42. You can't control what she does or who she sees. You can't write letters telling her how it hurts that she's seeing someone else. Of course she was cheating on you...but you can't do anything about it now. You are divorced. That means she doesn't care if her dating hurts you.

There is something you can do. They say that living well is the best revenge. Well you can do that, for yourself and for your kids. You can be the best single dad around. You can work to improve on your faults and try to open up your life to new things. You can learn to be happy with what you do have and not sad about what you don't have. It really doesn't do you any good to perseverate on your XW. It doesn't increase your odds of someday reconciling. What will increase your chances? Being complete, confident, happy, put together, fun, friendly. She'll either be drawn to it or some other lucky woman will. But, in the end, it's her decision what she does. She may fall in love with this other guy and marry him. She may break it off and run back to you. She may jump from guy to guy without ever feeling completely happy because there is something wrong with her. Who knows? You can only look after yourself. Can you do that? You actually have to let her go. Work on the relationship with your kids, family, and friends, and stop worrying about the one with her.

Hope that helps. It wouldn't do you any good to read my sitch. It was not the same. We were still friends and hung out quite a bit and that isn't going to happen for you. It was when my wife was ready to try again that we did. That's the same with you...it has to come from your wife...notes and feeling bad won't advance your cause.

Me

[Possible42]

Thanks Just_Me. I know the truth is a better pill to swallow. It takes some time to get over the grief of the loss. I have been going to the gym again and trying to get my thoughts away from XW. It has only been a week, so I know that things will get better. We have a lifetime connection through our kids. Only time will tell what will happen.

Thanks,

Possible42

[Possible42]

Re-evaluation:

I have spent a lot of time reading other's posts on this board over the weekend. It has been inspirational. I just started reading frank_D's story and it has given me a great deal of encouragement. I find it amazing how similar all of the given situations are. Mine not much different: I suffered from depression, and drank a lot. I didn't drink all the time, but when I did, it was always too much. I'm still trying to get all the DBing lingo down, so please excuse me if I don't get the acronyms correct.

I went to a party at the neighbor's last night. They are people that my XW used to hang out with when we were still married. Now , XW never talks to them. In fact, she is extremely mean to friend's wife. I can't tell you how much pain I'm in right now, but the whole time last night, I thought about how much pain my XW must be in. She basically doesn't have any friends anymore. I know a lot of them have tried to convince her to work out our marriage. She doesn't want to hear it. We live in a small town. She started seeing OM. She has been extremely secretive about this - not even saying much to her family. I saw him putting a new front door on the house (which she got in settlement) last weekend and mentioned this to a few friends. We live in a small town, so the cat is basically out of the bag. Even though we are divorced, I felt really hurt and angry. From what I have been able to put together, their relationship has been going on for at least 5 months.

I find it amazing (especially after reading other posts) that our WAWs are able to find people like this. My XW has dated (before our marriage), but only been involved in a few serious relationships. This one seems to have come out of nowhere. Similar situation to others, though, that he lives about about 1.5 hours away, so I would consider this a long distance relationship. We share custody of our daughters: D11, D9 and D5. I'm assuming that she talks to him or sees him whenever I have our girls. He seems to fill every void that I couldn't. My wife has gotten into running over the last year. I believe she met him through the local running group or, who knows, actively sought him out. She must feel somewhat guilty about this relationship, because it would always get back to me about her telling people that we were divorced, when we weren't. Our divorce wasn't final until August, 24th. I'm sure OM is probably a nice guy. After reading frank_D's post about the emotional predator, he would seem to fit this description perfectly. The reason I say this is that the door that he put in our house was something my XW and I always talked about. We could never agree on a style. The one he put in was exactly what my wife always wanted. One more reason for me to feel really miserable.

Like I said, reading these posts this weekend has been really helpful. Without trying to be too analytical, I find it amazing how predictable human behavior really is - the inputs will give the same outputs most of the time. I've been controlling and still trying to interfere with XW's life. I'm sure that this has only strengthened her resolve and pushed her further into relationship with OM. She also seems to exhibit all the signs of MLC. I never thought about this until reading posts on this site. Her brother mentioned to me that she likes to wear clothes that a 20-year-old would wear. She's 41. Said the same thing about her behavior.

Another thing I noticed is that everyone going through these WAW issues wants to know what they're thinking and how long it will take to reconcile? I realize now, more than ever, that it mostly matters what is in my mind and what I'm doing and thinking. I have to concentrate on myself, being a dad, keeping busy and letting go. Hardest thing has been letting go of the anger and hard feelings - especially for XW and OM, also her parents, who I've never gotten along with. They've been steadfast supporters of her through this entire ordeal. They don't, however, seem to be supportive of her new relationship.

So, for now, looks like I'm "going dark". Since letting XW know how hurt I was after finding out about new relationship with OM, there has been no contact - not even by email. This marks a new low in our interactions since the bomb was dropped. Makes raising children very difficult. As others have said, I love her unconditionally - no matter what happens. I'm keeping busy, getting back to the gym on a regular basis, which really helps with the sleeplessness. Seems the best thing to do is wait for her to contact me and keep things very light - something, which I'm not very good at.

_________

Me: 42
XW: 41
Three Daughters: D11, D9, D5
Separated: End of July, '06
Dropped Bomb: Nov 21st, '06
Divorced: Aug 24th, '07
Started honestly DBing: Today (10/7/07)

[about2bdvorced]

p42, I am in the same boat you are in, and in fact I thought I was reading MY sitch a few times...it sucks and there's a great deal of hurt to be had. Time will heal you, and letting go. Before you met your ex you were okay; you'll get through this.

Leave her alone...no contact unless it's a dire emergency with the kids. My ex has one of my cell phone #'s; I changed my landline to an unlisted # and changed my email address...my ex has neither one.

Go to the gym, get new clothes, swear off booze, get a haircut, and start smiling at pretty girls at the mall. Life's too short to sit by the phone and wait for Suzy Two-Timer to have an epiphany...go get laid.

[JMC]

Life's too short to sit by the phone and wait for Suzy Two-Timer to have an epiphany...go get laid.

That is classic!!

[Possible42]

Been dark. No contact with XW for over a week. Seems that OM drives over (2 hours) to stay with XW whenever the kids are with me. I'm not spying. We only live a few blocks away from each other and it is hard to miss his pickup when he at her place. This really sucks. I'm doing all I can to detach. I don't know if I'll follow all of about2bdivorced's advice, but most of it looks pretty good.

I'm sure this will be a long haul. It's already been 13 mos since the initial separation. I will wait for her to make contact. Any bets?

P42

[azhira]

A week is a short amount of time.

Sooner or later, she'll talk to you. After all, you have kids.

In the meantime, you need to think about something else. Pick up a new hobby. Get some new clothes. Work out. Have something different about you the next time you come into (kid-necessary) contact with her.